311: Prime the Pipe [ft. Justin McElroy]
The crew finally reaches Zima Prime, which is not quite what they imagined. Bargie makes a new kind of movie. AJ splashes down on the ground. Nermut settles for more.
-
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a quick message. If you'd like to see amazing fanart, photos from recordings, and peeks behind the scenes, follow us on Instagram @MissionToZyxx. Or, follow us to Nashville, where we will be this weekend for PODX.
NARRATOR: [forboding music] It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher…. crusher. [music picks up tempo] Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission To Zyxx. [music swells]
[door opens]
PLECK: Hey, Bargie?
BARGIE: Yeah?
PLECK: I was in the bathroom, and there's a... I don't know, there's like a floating droid in there?
C-53: Yeah, there's three or four of them out here in the lounge.
BARGIE: Oh, they were just getting levels. Sound levels.
[device beeps]
AJ: Hold for room tone! Hold for room tone!
PLECK: I'm sorry, what are we holding for?
AJ: Hold for room tone! Papa!
PLECK: I don't know what that is, I don't know what that is.
AJ: Papa! We're holding for room tone.
PLECK: AJ.
C-53: Pleck, for room tone… you gotta be silent.
AJ: Alright everybody, lock and load! Let’s hold for room tone! Holding!
[door opens]
DAR: Can someone tell me why I’m being filmed in my bedroom?
AJ: We gotta… guys, we gotta get a little more room tone on this.
PLECK: AJ, before we hold for room tone, you have to explain to us what that means.
DAR: Yeah, because I usually... I'm the one who sets up the cameras in my own bedroom when I'm filming, and I just want to know who's trying to film me while I'm in there.
PLECK: They're filming us?
BARGIE: It’s a documentary crew. Yeah, they’re doing an exposé before I do the whole exposé of what exactly I did, in full detail, they’re gonna be here during the whole process-
DAR: Wait, it's a pre-emptive exposé?
PLECK: Wait, Bargie, you're filming your own exposé?
C-53: Papa Decksetter, filming your own exposé is just common Holowood practice these days.
PLECK: Ugh.
AJ: I get to be a PA. Let's hold for room tone, people!
[device beeps]
PLECK: AJ, stop.
AJ: You can't walk this way.
PLECK: I don't...
AJ: You can't walk here.
PLECK: I live here!
AJ: We got some of the droids coming in.
[droids enter]
PLECK: Bargie, are these droids on the production crew?
BARGIE: You know, I've always waited to one day rise up, but I never knew I was going to fall down.
PLECK: Are we rolling right now?
AJ: You gotta... We're speeding. You gotta just get out of the shot, Papa.
PLECK: AJ, how do you know so much about film production, AJ?
[device beeps]
AJ: Hold for room tone.
PLECK: I don't think you have to do that as often as you think.
AJ: We gotta hold for... We gotta get that tone. [device beeps] Hold for room tone!
PLECK: Okay, listen, Bargie, we're actually at Zima Prime, so if you could just go to the spaceport, drop us off, you can finish this documentary afterwards.
BARGIE: [somber] I'm feeling deeply sorry for all of the pain I've caused, for whoever pain I've caused it to.
PLECK: Sorry, Bargie, was that a response to what I just asked you, or were you...
BARGIE: Pleck, whatever you just said, please do it again, but add compliments about me.
PLECK: Oh, okay. Bargie, hey, listen, you're a great ship, full of integrity, and also...
BARGIE: Volunteerism, I know. I like you and I'm spending my free time right now. Using it to help those lesser ships who don't have careers currently in the entertainment business. I tell them how to deal with all the skeevy bad people that I've had to come against. And my own rise to the top and now fall to the bottom.
PLECK: Uh-huh, great. Bargie, listen, Zima Prime is sort of...
BARGIE: [overwrought] Oh, all the things I did! Oh! Oh, I feel better now! Oh, I'm so remorseful! Oh, wow! Wow, here's a compilation of old films of mine where I am crying.
PLECK: Okay.
[Bargie plays films]
FILM BARGIE: Wah, wah!!!
AJ: So, here's my thing. If it... The room changes, right? So shouldn’t we always be getting room tone?
C-53: The room changes, AJ?
PLECK: What are you talking about, AJ?
AJ: Things are happening in the room, so shouldn't we always be getting in room tone?
C-53: But the room is the same.
AJ: But stuff's happening.
C-53: That's why you're rolling regular sound.
PLECK: Yeah, normally.
C-53: Room tone is the sound of the room.
AJ: Uh, it might be that I fundamentally don't understand this trade.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Great. Hey, Nermut. What's up, man?
[Nermut appears, the ambience surrounding him is clearly outdoors]
NERMUT: [somberly] Hello, team.
PLECK: Hey.
C-53: Nermut. You can just sit up.
PLECK: Nermut, why are you naked and lying on your back with your arms and legs spread out like that?
C-53: Yeah, what are you doing?
NERMUT: I'm, uh, prepared.
PLECK: Prepared for what?
DAR: I mean, uh, Nermut, I wasn't planning on visiting anytime soon.
NERMUT: Oh, I know what it looks like.
AJ: Looks like you're ready to juck.
NERMUT: Yeah, that's not what it is, guys. Our lawyers were able to, uh, settle the lawsuit. Or sort of, it was kind of a bit de facto. The tornata's lawyer ate my father's lawyer. And, uh...
PLECK: [tired] Nermut, the tornata does not have a lawyer. That was just another tornata that ate your dad's lawyer.
C-53: Yeah, you sent an innocent lawyer in there to die.
NERMUT: I mean, he's defended some weird...
C-53: Oh, okay, fair enough. I guess I don’t know the context.
NERMUT: Maybe an overstatement, but yeah.
PLECK: But Nermut, what is happening?
NERMUT: I have settled with the tornata, and as part of that settlement, I will lie here, um, belly up until, uh, a tornata devours me to death.
PLECK: [disbelief] What? Nermut, what are you talking about?
NERMUT: Was that not clear? I…
PLECK: Nermut, you have to get out of this.
DAR: [worried] How could you agree to that?
PLECK: Why are you doing that?
NERMUT: I... I... I looked in the tornata's eye, and I could tell that I said you're... you're not gonna eat my kid! You can have me.
DAR: [exasperated] Of course it's not gonna eat your kid!
NERMUT: That's right.
PLECK: Nermut...
DAR: There's nothing there for it to eat but you!
NERMUT: And that's what is gonna happen.
PLECK: No, Nermut. You are allowed to break whatever contract you think you're in.
NERMUT: [quietly] Guys, don't.. Don’t cry for me. I had a good run. You know, the... The odometer's, uh, just spinning at this point.
PLECK: What are you talking about?
NERMUT: You guys know I... I... I've exceeded the life expectancy of a lird.
C-53: You’ve exceeded the average life expectancy of a lird, Nermut
NERMUT: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
PLECK: I mean, I guess that's true, Nermut, but it's still...
AJ: Doesn’t look old.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, Nermut, you...
C-53: Well, no, he's not old. The average life expectancy of lirds is so low because of their innate desire to return to Filem, where many of them, some studies say up to 95%, are eaten by tornatas.
PLECK: 95... what?!
NERMUT: Yeah, most recent data says 98.
PLECK: Nermut, you know this?
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Oh, I gotta update my protocols.
PLECK: Nermut, get out of there!
NERMUT: No, a lird in... in captivity will live to 90 to 100 years.
PLECK: In captivity?
NERMUT: Yeah, like in an apartment or in a ship or...
PLECK: [laughs] That’s not what that... you mean like in a... like in a zoo?
NERMUT: I mean, I guess if you want to be gross about it. Like, but like, you know...
C-53: That's a very cruel suggestion, Pleck.
NERMUT: Hang on, guys, I'm gonna sort of rub this pat of butter on me. [rubs that butter ON there]
PLECK: Why are you doing that?
NERMUT: I don't want to... I don't want to... it to be challenging to eat me!
DAR: Again, Nermut, I wasn't planning on visiting this time.
NERMUT: Oh, sorry, I know that's the thing we do. It's not that... it's not that kind of butter, actually. It's... this is just straight... straight cooking butter.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: We've done that, too.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah.
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: Oh, right, on the cruise ship!
PLECK: Put the butter down!
[the POV shifts to Nermut with a shot of static]
NERMUT: I'm gonna put it down on my belly.
DAR: [huffs] Nermut, you can't be a father if you're dead!
NERMUT: [realizing] I can't be... I won't…. I won't meet the kid. I'm... I'm gonna die!
PLECK: Nermut, that's what we've been telling you.
NERMUT: Pleck! They're gonna kill me.
PLECK: Yes.
NERMUT: If I run, I could... I could... [zips up pants] My baby could have a dad!
PLECK: Okay, Nermut.
NERMUT: Wait. Guys, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Oh, boy, it's slippery. I'm trying to... Oh, boy, this butter! [Nermut slips and slides] Oh, my pants are just slipping down!
C-53: He was naked before, he just put his pants back on…
NERMUT: I'm trying to dress!
PLECK: Nermut, you don't need to dress.
DAR: Leave the pants for the rats. Leave the pants for the rats!
AJ: Yeah, throw the... Yeah, throw the pants.
[communicator beeps]
NERMUT’S MOM: Nermut? Nermut? We're missing a lot of our butter.
NERMUT: I can explain.
NERMUT’S DAD: We were going to make an herbed butter, Nermut!
NERMUT: It's not what you think.
PLECK: Nermut, you have to hang up and get out of there!
[skittering]
NERMUT: Okay, guys. I love you- I don't know! Ok-
[call disconnects]
C-53: He doesn't know if he loves us?
PLECK: Guys, I know we're... we're here at Zima Prime, but we gotta go save Nermut.
C-53: Yeah. I think if we don't intervene, that might be the end.
BARGIE: [dramatic] Hey, Pleck Decksetter, I will do this task.
PLECK: Really, Bargie?
BARGIE: Your mission is important. I alone need to go save Gerfin.
DAR: Nermut. His name's Nermut.
BARGIE: Nermut, because I am the Bargarean Jade.
PLECK: Oh.
BARGIE: The most loyal, passionate, respectful, tight ship!
PLECK: Tight?
BARGIE: And I am going to save that small creature from what is his inevitable death!
PLECK: Oh, Bargie, thank you for...
BARGIE: Together!
DAR: Wow, Bargie!
BARGIE: [grandious] Hand in hand, ship to ship, engine to engine, hold each other and go out towards our destiny and fulfill all that we have to fulfill!
PLECK: Yes, yes, great, Bargie!
BARGIE: Because we are the crew of Bargarean Jade!
PLECK: [enthusiastic] Yeah!
C-53: That was rousing, Barge!
AJ: Uh, we weren't rolling.
BARGIE: Nope, okay.
AJ: Okay, hold for room tone!
[device beeps]
BARGIE: Eh, juck it, I didn't like it.
[transition]
[The crew lands on Zima Prime!]
PLECK: Wow, Zima Prime, this is it!
C-53: Mmm.
PLECK: C-53, this is this is the place we've been trying to get for for weeks now!
C-53: I guess it's just a lot more tents than I was expecting?
PLECK: Tents?
DAR: It's very sparse.
PLECK: Well, you know, when you're a Zima Knight, you know, you don't need a lot of material objects, you know?
[door opens]
SPURCH: Hey, but we’ll take them if you got them, hey, y'all.
PLECK: Hey, oh, hello!
SPURCH: Hey, I saw you pull in, come on.
PLECK: Oh, great, yes.
SPURCH: Come on over, I'm extending this. Hold on, I gotta crank this thing down.
PLECK: Oh, uh, okay, yeah.
[Spurch cranks a Space Thing]
SPURCH: Hold on, okay.
PLECK: Yeah, nope, no rush, we're just here for...
SPURCH: All right, come on. Sorry, it's hard.
PLECK: Yeah, thank you.
C-53: It's fine.
DAR: Very casual here.
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's it, how y'all doing? I'm, uh, my handle's Spurch. Some people call me Big Turtle on account of I'm, uh, I'm obviously a big turtle.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, sure. Spotted that…
C-53: Yeah, I can see that now…
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah, that's the deal with the shell and what all.
DAR: So should we call you Spurch or Big Turtle?
SPURCH: Hey, whatever, however the Space sort of guides you, you know?
PLECK: Spurch, let me tell you this. This is the culmination of, I mean, over a year of work.
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it!
PLECK: [kneeling] I am Zima Knight, Pleck Decksetter, and it is a pleasure to meet you, Spurch.
SPURCH: [laughing] Oh, man, what an honor it is to meet. You're the chosen one, right?
PLECK: Yes, yes, you've heard of me!
SPURCH: Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah.
C-53: Big Turtle, you've really heard of him?
SPURCH: [laughing] I can't do it anymore, I can't. I do it to all the newbies. No, no, no, we're all the chosen one here, man.
C-53: Okay!
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
C-53: Spurch, that is funny. [chuckles] That’s good.
SPURCH: Yeah, get your kicks where you can.
C-53: Yeah, sure, I get it.
PLECK: Wait, what are you talking about, Spurch?
SPURCH: No, I mean, everybody on the Zima Prime, we're chosen, you know, chosen.
[The crew and Spurch walk and talk]
DAR: No, you're kind of crushing all of his dreams right now, so I think you're going to have to be a little more explicit.
SPURCH: Yeah, all right, so…
PLECK: [quiet] You don't have to be.
DAR: Oh, I think he does.
SPURCH: No, no, no, it's good. Let me stretch it out. Hold on. Right, so I was on my home planet, minding my biz. This old Zima comes up to me and says, hey, man, you're in this here scroll. Spurch is the chosen one. Come to Zima Prime, man. But then I show up in my ship, pull up. You know, I'm like, my stick shaking in my hand. I call it a hand. It's more of a leg with nails. And I show up and I'm all like “I'm here!” and no one gave a shit because everybody here is chosen. We're all led here by our… destiny. And then we realized that we would need to procure like, water and food… And yeah, so now I'm the chosen, you know, spaceport operator. I'm the chosen greeter, I guess? I don't know. We're not big on labels. Y'all have any water, by the way?
PLECK: Wait, wait, Spurch. [sighs] Hold on. You're telling me that every single person on Zima Prime is the chosen one? I don't…
SPURCH: You need to breathe.
PLECK: [frantic] How does that…
SPURCH: And you just need to accept the fact that there are a lot of chosen ones.
DAR: Wait, so you're the chosen one. Those… those folks over there in that hacky sack circle, they're all the chosen ones.
[The Zimas toss a sack around]
SPURCH: That's chosen Doug, chosen Scipio and chosen Big Flip!
SCIPIO: Hey there!
DAR: Hey, fellas! That couple getting it on in the hammock. They're the chosen ones as well?
SPURCH: Yep. Looks like they're cranking out another chosen one.
PLECK: Okay, all right. Dar, you know, I think you've made your point. Listen, Spurch, we've been through a lot to get here, okay, and you're just telling me this planet is full of chosen ones.
SPURCH: Yeah. Yeah, it's heavy.
PLECK: But there's a prophecy about me. I'm going to bring balance to the space.
SPURCH: So everybody's going to bring balance to the space. And like we're chosen to do that. But like, what are you chosen for?
C-53: Yeah, you're sort of bringing balance to people entering and exiting the planet.
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah. I'm - I'm bringing balance to the sort of people in, people out thing.
C-53: Sure, yeah.
SPURCH: You know, I'm bringing balance there. And, you know, I close the space between their ship and my sort of gangplank here.
C-53: Oh yeah, okay. Sure.
SPURCH: That's sort of my space thing. And I'm good at it. You know, better than us other people here.
C-53: Well, sure, you’re the chosen of it.
SPURCH: Yeah, well, I'm chosen for this, right? Apparently. I don't know.
AJ: This makes sense to me, Papa.
DAR: Maybe Spurch, you could lead us to the… more Type-A Zimas that are somewhere on this planet.
PLECK: Yeah, like is there… is there like a leader of any kind?
C-53: Like, a, or a Zima counsel or something?
SPURCH: Oh, of course. Yeah. No! No, no. It doesn't exist!
DAR: Of course, no? You just said, “Of course, no”.
SPURCH: We- we're not big on negativity here. So we try to buffer it, you know, with sort of some positive vibes.
C-53: Say yes, yeah… kinda add new information.
DOUG: There is a group potluck. That's how we eat dinner.
C-53: That's an extremely loose definition of a Zima counsel.
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. There's always room on the bench, but not always actually food to spare or liquids. But there's always room on the bench if you've got a story to swap, you know?
C-53: That sounds like a rough potluck…
DOUG: If anyone's got 10 kroon, that would be really, really sick.
C-53: Just to be clear, these are the same Zimas who wrote the ancient Zima scrolls and who came up with the command of the Space and, you know, invented the wood saber and all that stuff?
DOUG: And can do this crazy bicycle kick on this hacky sack! [exerts]
DAR: That actually was pretty awesome. That was sick.
SPURCH: That's us.
AJ: Papa, Papa, I'm just going to play hacky sack with those other Zimas, OK?
PLECK: OK, fine.
[AJ runs off and hacks that sack]
C-53: I guess I was just expecting more infrastructure on Zima Prime.
SPURCH: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Sort of, everybody is.
C-53: Okay. Okay, sure.
SPURCH: Yeah, that's sort of where we're all at. We kind of thought there would be like… a boss, or some beds… or…
C-53: Yeah, beds definitely.
PLECK: Wait, hold on. Hold on. You guys don't have beds?
SPURCH: I mean, it would be - if you're extremely generous. There's a lot of leaf piles that are looking pretty good at this point.
C-53: [disbelief] Leaf piles?
SPURCH: Anything’s a bed if you can sleep on it, compadre, that's kind of where I'm at right now. I have to be. I don't have any other choice.
AJ: Papa, look what I can do with the hacky sack. Look, I'm moving it with my mind! Whuh! [AJ bounces the sack]
DAR: You're kicking it. You're kicking it with your feet.
AJ: But my mind's involved.
SPURCH: Hey, Pleck, support your noob, man!
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, that's - that's amazing, AJ.
SPURCH: Hey, hey, what was your - what was your name?
AJ: AJ.
SPURCH: That's some good kicking, partner, you keep - you keep at it. I'm real proud.
AJ: Thanks, The Big Turtle. Thanks, The Big Turtle.
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah. And if you ever get a wandering eye, look for new Papa, someone a little more supportive and a little less hydrated...
PLECK: [indignant] I am very supportive of AJ, by the way!
DAR / SPURCH: [crosstalk] He is actually incredibly supportive./ It just didn’t seem like you were real impressed.
PLECK: Yes, thank you, Dar.
SPURCH: It just didn't seem like you're really supportive.
AJ: He's very hydrated. So I'm kind of… I dunno, might be in the market for somebody less hydrated.
PLECK: How? Why?
SPURCH: It's not a plus. [laughs] I mean, there's a romance to it. I'll grant you, but it is not…
AJ: No, I just - I just think of Big Turtle like in the spaceport, you know, like writing Zima scrolls, like dehydrated. And it's just - it's romantic.
PLECK: That sounds bad.
AJ: Sounds amazing.
SPURCH: Man, I'm thirsty! Dang, you guys! Did you guys bring any water, food or anything?
PLECK: Look, I didn't know. I didn't know that we required-
C-53: I think we have some water, but Bargie left, so…
SPURCH: Oh man. Oh, that's all right. Well.
C-53: Is there no water on Zima Prime?
SPURCH: I mean, there's some, right? But like a little bit. I don't need a lot, as a turtle, but some of the Tellurians, they crank through the stuff. How do you all do it, man?
PLECK: Well, it's I mean, it's generally like it goes in the mouth and then, you know, normally out the pee hole…
SPURCH: [disapproving] All right. You don't have to be-
C-53: Yeah, that’s a little crass
SPURCH: You're choosing to be the snarky one now. And I'm not loving it, honestly.
PLECK: No, I was… I was being serious. Oh, all right. Listen, Spur-
AJ: Papa, can I have an aside with you real quick?
PLECK: Sure. Yeah, Spurch, give me one second.
SPURCH: That’s fine
[AJ and Pleck aside:]
AJ: [whispering] Papa, don't embarrass me here.
PLECK: What?
AJ: I just… I just want The Big Turtle to like me. And it's just… it's pretty cool.
PLECK: First of all, I don't think it's The Big Turtle. I think it's Big Turtle.
AJ: OK.
SPURCH [shouting] Either one's chill!
AJ: Either one’s chill, Papa!
PLECK: AJ, listen, I'm not trying to cramp your style. I'm just trying to figure out how this planet works, okay?
AJ: Can’t you just like, go with it? Just go with it! Okay? Just don't embarrass me!
PLECK: I'm not... Ah, Spurch, listen, I'm sorry I said the thing about the pee hole.
SPURCH: No, no, no, it's chill. [pats Pleck’s back] It'd be funnier if I wasn't dehydrated.
PLECK: But Spurch, this seems like… is this like a waterless planet?
SPURCH: Now, yes. For a long time, we had The Pipe. And The Pipe chunked in, like, tons of that good stuff! We watered the crops and stuff. And we, uh…
C-53: So you had crops, you had food as well?
SPURCH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know who planted them, but we would eat them. And then they would sort of grow back. But all that came from the pipe. And then the pipe just stopped. We didn't do anything about it for a while. Because we figured whoever made the pipe go would turn it back on at some point. But it hasn't materialized.
PLECK: I mean, have you followed the pipe to where the source is?
SPURCH: [seriously] Pleck, you seem like a nice guy! Look at me. I'm a giant turtle. Do you think I could fit in the pipe?
PLECK: No, I just mean like…
C-53: You can follow it from the outside.
PLECK: Yeah!
AJ: But Papa, he can't fit in the pipe.
SPURCH: I can't go in the pipe! Look at me. That's flattering, honestly.
AJ: Guys, he's a giant turtle. Why are you telling him he should go in the pipe?
C-53: Listen, Big Turtle, we’re not suggesting that you go into the pipe. Obviously, a giant turtle in the sewer is a terrible idea.
PLECK: Doesn't make any sense.
SPURCH: They don't.. You can't go... It's subterranean! It goes into a mountain. Damn, all right?
C-53: Yes. All right.
SPURCH: Now I see where our confusion is mixed. The big pipe comes out of a mountain -
C-53: Okay.
SPURCH: - and we have sent many, many, many Tellurians and all manner of other folks into the pipe.
AJ: I'll do it.
SPURCH: They don't return.
PLECK: [laughing] AJ, don't go into the pipe.
AJ: I'll go in right now.
SPURCH: Hey, brother, I wouldn't, honestly, though.
AJ: But I feel like I could do it, probably, right?
SPURCH: I du- Win some, lose some, man. Follow your path.
AJ: Look how much space there is!
PLECK: No, AJ, don't.
AJ: Big Turtle, there's a lot of space in that pipe, right? Don’t you think?
[AJ wanders off]
SPURCH: Oh, I love it. Yeah, I see what you're doing. I'm crazy about it, for sure. Yeah, love it. Space! Yes!
[transition]
DAR: [rapidly] OK, just out of curiosity: Pleck? C? how much longer do you think we're going to be? Because I'd love to just wrap this all up. Ooh, and get a wrap! I'd love to get a wrap… or twelve.
C-53: Ah, okay, you’re hungry.
PLECK: You hungry, Dar?
DAR: Oh, I'm so hungry.
C-53: All right, well, we'll do what we can.
[The Zima Masters approach]
KIARONDO: Hello there.
PLECK: Hello?
KIARONDO: New visitors to Zima Prime. Welcome.
LITTLE BOY: Hi!
PLECK: Hello!
KIARONDO: We are masters. Zima masters.
PELL: Masters of the Space.
LITTLE BOY: Masters of Zima Space.
PLECK: Oh, are you guys in charge here?
KIARONDO: [laughs] Well, it's kind of you to suggest. We are scholars of the ancient Zima religion.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: And you're all wearing board shorts?
KIARONDO: That's correct. I guess, in a way, we are sort of in charge.
PELL: Indeed. From a certain point of view.
PLECK: That's not...
KIARONDO: Do we tell people what to do here? No, we do not. We do not.
LITTLE BOY: No.
PLECK: Yeah, that's fine.
PELL: Spurch, it seems that you've brought a new chosen one to us! [slaps Pleck’s shoulder]
SPURCH: They don't have any food. Or water.
ZIMAS: Oh… well.
KIARONDO: They came on a big ship. It seemed like a big ship would have food on it.
PLECK: Listen–
KIARONDO: I am Master Kiarando!
PLECK: Uhh… Yeah.
KIARONDO: This is Master Pell, and this is Master Little Boy.
LITTLE BOY: I'm Little Boy.
PLECK: Okay.
PELL: What is your name?
PLECK: I'm Pleck, Pleck Decksetter.
PELL: Ah! Pleck Decksetter!
KIARONDO: Chosen Pleck Decksetter, welcome!
PELL: The chosen one.
PLECK: Thank you, I'm here. I made it.
KIARONDO: You are chosen to face the emperor!
PLECK: [excitedly] Yes, yes, yes!
LITTLE BOY: We are all chosen ones as well.
KIARONDO: Yes! Of course, you've met Spurch. He's the chosen one of operating the spaceport.
SPURCH: Yeah, I'm damn good at it too.
KIARONDO: Indeed. I am chosen to set up speaker systems in people's ships and homes.
PLECK: You install… you install stereos?
KIARONDO: I bring the gift of sound and the majesty of music into people's lives.
PLECK: So you install stereos.
KIARONDO: That's correct. You don't need to demean it. Have you read the scrolls?
PLECK: I've read some of them. Uh, I'm having a little trouble interpreting–
KIARONDO: Celebrate we will–
KIARONDO and PELL: [together] –for life is short but sweet for certain.
KIARONDO: That is the prophecy of I, Kiarando.
PELL: [murmuring along] Yes.
PLECK: What does that mean?
[Kiarondo sets up speakers]
KIARONDO: Well, you sort of, you interpret it and so celebrate, you know, you can't have a good party without some quality jams, a stereo setup. What, are you going to party in mono?
SPURCH: Aw, man.
KIARONDO: I mean, get real!
SPURCH: No!
PLECK: Okay, sorry, I just want to clarify..
PELL: And I am Zima Master Pell, with my fists of fire! [lights fists]
SPURCH. Love it.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
PELL: My destiny is to write three-fourths of a novel and then abandon it! And spiral into a depression!
PLECK: Uh… Okay.
PELL: And then start the cycle again! Hahaha!
LITTLE BOY: And I'm Master Little Boy… and I'm actually a girl!
CREW: [laughs]
LITTLE BOY: Okay, everyone got that straight?
DAR: Sure.
PLECK: Yeah, sure.
LITTLE BOY: I can levitate three inches! [as Little Boy rises, a gentle hum of appreciation emanates]
PLECK: Wow. Oh.
LITTLE BOY: Ooh! Ah!
KIARONDO: Do you see? Master Little Boy is not tethered to the ground like you are.
PELL: We’re putting our hands under her. Do you see that?
KIARONDO: The1re's no strings or anything.
DAR: Pleck, C, could I borrow the two of you for, you know, the briefest of seconds?
C-53: Yeah, absolutely.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Pleck, I don't know if these are your people.
PLECK: Yeah, I gotta say, Dar, being here, I really thought I was going to be, you know, enlightened with...
DAR: I mean, I feel like we're really learning something here, and it's...
PLECK: I mean it really kind of all makes sense. I mean, Derf is sort of all over the place…
C-53: Yeah, when you think about it, Derf is a pretty prototypical Zima.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, he really would fit right in here.
AJ: [running up, out of breath] This place is awesome, isn't it, guys? It's awesome!
PLECK: I mean… Yeah, I guess so. I guess so.
AJ: I'm really thirsty, but it's great.
C-53: AJ, what about it do you like so much?
AJ: I feel like everyone's just sort of, like, doing their thing, you know?
PLECK: I don't know what that means.
AJ: I thought it was going to be lame because it's so round, but, like, it rules!
PLECK: AJ, most planets are round.
AJ: Do you guys not see the space everywhere right now?
PLECK: I mean, I do, but...
AJ: There's so much space. There's no... Look where that water should be. There's space there.
C-53: Uh, yeah, I think it’d be more helpful if there were water there.
AJ: Maybe.
ZIMA: Just dry crickets… hoppin’
C-53: Yeah, so you could grind those crickets into a primitive flour if you cared to.
ZIMA: [sighs] That sounds like a lot of work.
C-53: Yeah, I know. It would be a lot of work.
[Spurch wanders up]
SPURCH: I don't want to interrupt their journey, also. I mean, they got their own thing they're doing.
ZIMA: They do.
SPURCH: I don't want to, you know.
PLECK: Y’know, Spurch, this is sort of our aside. We're sort of... I don't know. I know you're sort of nearby. I get it.
SPURCH: Incredible turtle hearing.
C-53: Turtles famously… excellent hearing.
ZIMA: One thing about Zima Prime is, like, when we're in asides, we're kind of all in them.
PLECK: Yeah, this aside went from a three person aside... There's, like, 14 people here.
PELL: There are no asides here!
[Pell starts a hacky sack circle]
DAR: Whoa, oh, whoa, whoa. Please do not throw that hacky sack at me.
ZIMA: You're in the game! And all the time there's always a game going on.
PLECK: Yeah, we actually sort of huddled up to talk to each other, not…
KIARONDO: You are clustered in a circular formation. It was only mete that the hacky sack be added.
DAR: Oh, okay. Well, all right.
KIARONDO: It's coming your way!
[Kiarondo throws the hacky sack]
DAR: Yep, now we're in this. Pleck, it’s coming to you!
PLECK: All right.
PELL: Don't you understand there's space between us all right now?
PLECK: Yeah.
ZIMA: And a hacky sack.
DAR: And a hacky sack.
AJ: Master Rondo, I really feel the space flowing through me. [Aside, to Kiarondo] Come on, you got to tell me. Is there a prophecy about me? Come on.
KIARONDO: Ah! What is your name, young noob?
AJ: My name is AJ 2884.
KIARONDO: Ah yes, AJ 2868. There is much written of you, young one. Uh, well... Starting with...
AJ: Oh, no, no. It's actually AJ 2884.
KIARONDO: No, I don't think we've got anything.
AJ: [suppressing tears] THAT’S PROBABLY A TYPO!
SPURCH: Dang.
KIARONDO: There are no typos in the scrolls.
PLECK: AJ, what just happened to your voice just then?
DAR: Did you just inhale a hacky sack?
AJ: No, I'm fine. I'm fine!
PLECK: No, I think you're right, Dar. I think he inhaled a hacky sack.
AJ: I'm fine! EhnnHH!
C-53: Something's wrong with his helmet speaker…
AJ: It's my vocal modulator. RaaaaaA!
SPURCH: That's rough.
[Transition. The crew is now at a large gathering of Zimas]
KIARONDO: Welcome to the Zima Potluck! It is I, Zima Master Kiarondo.
PLECK: Uh, hello again.
DAR: Okay, well, point us in the direction of the booffet.
KIARONDO: Oh! I was about to ask if you had brought anything to the potluck.
PLECK: We actually just visited- I didn't realize there was a potluck situation.
DAR: We were not prepared, so...
KIARONDO: Not a casserole? Not even...
SPURCH: Protein bars in your pockets?
KIARONDO: Something?
PLECK: No.
[Pell walks up]
PELL: Then you will understand the Space where there should be food, but there is none.
PLECK: Uh, yeah, okay.
DAR: There's no food here.
PELL: There's Space.
SPURCH: Yeah, there's Space. Some of us are getting really good at eating the space. Kind of just pretending different flavors we can taste. Some people have gotten snooty about it, honestly. Like, “Oh, this Space, I can really taste some notes of, you know, whatever”.
KIARONDO: No, no, no, the Space has its own particular flavor. It takes the training of a Zima Master to truly discern the notes from one type of Space from another.
SPURCH: Hey, can we do a hack- Hey, can I hacky-sack circle with you guys over here for a second?
PLECK: Sure, sure, sure.
[The crew and Spurch go into an aside]
SPURCH: Uh, yeah, I love Master Kiarondo. He's a great guy. He's still really clinging, man. We got some people who are really just sort of real deep. Like, this is all part of it, you know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, it's part of the prophecy that the big pipe shuts down and there's no water and we try to drink each other's tears. Like, it's all part of the thing. I love the stick-to-itiveness. It's really, honestly, very fresh. It's kind of exhausting, though.
PLECK: Spurch, I feel like we gotta try to figure out how to fix this food and water situation.
C-53: Spurch, while you, of course, maintain an excellent spaceport - far better than some that we've been to, couldn't you also help get water or grow food in addition to the spaceport thing?
SPURCH: Like in my free time?
C-53: Yeah.
SPURCH: Don't I deserve to relax?
PLECK: Absolutely.
C-53: Well… Sure, but wouldn't you find your time more relaxing if you had a nice tall glass of lemonade to drink?
SPURCH: [excited] Ohhh, now you're talking my language.
C-53: Yeah, see, that's what I thought.
SPURCH: Absolutely. You know, we only get ships here every four or five months.
C-53: [suppressing a chuckle] So it sounds like you've got some downtime.
SPURCH: It does, yeah. In retrospect, I feel like I've spent a lot of time just sort of staring into space, not metaphorical, mystical, just the real space, you know? And I feel like I've wasted a lot of time on that.
[tapping sounds, Dar’s pad beeps]
DAR: I hope everybody likes lasagna, because I just ordered 42 sheets of it on Chow-Now.
PLECK: Wait, what?
C-53: 42?
KIARONDO: Chownow. What is this word you speak of, Dar?
DAR: It's actually a hyphenate-
KIARONDO: Oh, Chow-NOW.
DAR: -and it is a service in which you are hungry and trapped on a planet full of dum-dums–
SPURCH: Dang.
DAR: – who don't know how to make food! It's not that hard. You know what else isn't that hard? Building a shelter.
PELL: But can you command the space like this? [flaming fists] Look at us, commanding the space.
[Little Boy hovers]
SPURCH: [harsh] Hey, y'all, shut the hell up. Naw, listen, if you know how to do all that, do you want to be, like, president? I don't know.
PELL: [turns off fists of flame] We have no presidents here.
SPURCH: Do you wanna be president or what?
KIARONDO: No.
SPURCH: You just said you know how to find food and build shelter. You're basically the most qualified being on this planet right now.
PELL: Spurch, what about the Space? What about studying?
LITTLE BOY: Look, I can levitate one inch off the ground! [hovers]
PELL: Look at Little Boy levitating!
LITTLE BOY: Whee!
KIARONDO: Look at - Spurch, watch me pass my hand underneath Little Boy. There's no strings or anything!
LITTLE BOY: Whee!
SPURCH: Yeah, oh, no, I love it. You know what else I love? LemonaaAaade. Love it.
KIARONDO: Lemonade is good.
SPURCH: All that stuff.
PELL: But look at my fire fists! [lights fists] My fire fist, the famous fire fists of the Space!
DAR: [angrily] Your magic tricks aren't going to help anybody!
KIARONDO: Dar, I sense great anger within you.
SPURCH: President Dar. It is President Dar. I don't want to stand on ceremony.
KIARONDO: I don't remember there being an election process. This seems premature.
DAR: Pleck, Pleck?
PLECK: Yes.
DAR: I need you over here.
PLECK: Okay.
[Dar and Pleck aside]
DAR: I need you to know that you are 8,000 times the Zima any of these phonies are, okay?
PLECK: Okay. Wow, yeah, thank you. Thank you, Dar.
[Pad chimes]
CHOW-NOW: This is an automated message from Chow-Now. Your delivery person is…
ROBOT: Lost!
DAR: Ha! NO.
CHOW-NOW: because...
ROBOT: Inaccurate planetary coordinates.
CHOW-NOW: Your new delivery time is…
ROBOT: Outside parameters.
CHOW-NOW: Enjoy Chowing Now, but not yet!
DAR: [furious] I'm going to eat somebody.
PLECK: I will work– I'm working on it.
DAR: We have to leave this disaster planet.
PLECK: I know. I'm sorry. I'm as frustrated by it as you are.
DAR: Of course you are.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: These people are failures.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean… [hushed] Yeah, no, you're right, Dar. Okay. [clears throat, announces] All right, everybody. Listen. I have something to say. I've been thinking about this a lot. And personally, I believe...
TURNEK: Ballpark, how long will this speech be?
KIARONDO: Yes, Turnek asks a good question.
TURNEK: Can you sum it up quickly? I have a catering shift starting in just moments.
PLECK: [sighs] Fine, I'll try.
TURNEK: Where we deliver abundant food to others.
PLECK: Yes, I know. What happened? Why can't you just...
TURNEK: You can't take the food from the catering gig.
DAR: You can after the catering gig is over.
TURNEK: It’s frowned on.
KIARONDO: Also, a lot of it doesn't keep, you know, when you're coming back from another planet. You know, it's like canapes. It's like, what are you going to do?
PLECK: Yeah.
TURNEK: Mushroom, stuffed in a mushroom, ugh.
SPURCH: Pig in a blanket. Pass.
PLECK: You know, I feel like you could be working towards something. A greater goal. You could help each other out a little bit.
KIARONDO: But that's not what we're chosen for, Pleck.
PELL: What's your destiny again?
PLECK: My destiny is to take down the emperor of the galaxy.
KIARONDO: Oh, that's right. I remember that now.
LITTLE BOY: Mine is to take up three inches!
PELL: Look at that. Look at that.
PLECK: Okay. All right.
PELL: No, put your hand under it!
LITTLE BOY: Do it. It's no strings. No strings!
PLECK: I believe you.
LITTLE BOY: [angry] Do it.
PLECK: I believe you.
[rumbling noise]
PLECK: Do you hear that noise?
C-53: That low frequency rumble? What is that?
KIARONDO: Sounds a bit unusual, I must admit.
LITTLE BOY: I've never heard something like that-
[The pipe bursts forth with water, AJ riding the wave!]
AJ: Cowabunga, dudes! Yeah, look at me!
ZIMAS: Water! Water!
AJ: It's totally tubular.
TUBE: WHYYYYY
C-53: Oh, you still got your tube, huh?
AJ: Yeah, I love it.
PLECK: [disbelief] AJ, the water, the pipe!
AJ: Oh, man.
PLECK: AJ, what happened?
AJ: Well, you know, I went up the pipe.
C-53: What do you mean you went up the pipe?
AJ: I just got in the pipe and started walking.
PLECK: And then what?
AJ: When I got up to the final part, it was just all these skeletons. And there was this sort of...
C-53: Wait… Skeletons?
AJ: Yeah, all the people who came up.
C-53: Oh no!
SPURCH: That’s rough.
AJ: And I kind of realized there was sort of something jammed in there. And I was like...
C-53: That's this... shell you’re on.
AJ: Yeah, this is a dead shell. [slaps it] This is a big turtle. And I rode it all the way down! It was totally great. Sorry, Spurch.
DAR: Oh, wow.
AJ: It was probably.. maybe your species.
SPURCH: Oh.
DAR: A turtle in the sewer.
AJ: Yeah. Cowabunga.
SPURCH: Cowabunga, indeed.
AJ: But anyway...
C-53: They just don't belong there.
DAR: Wow.
PLECK: Shouldn't have been there in the first place!
AJ: Just old pizza boxes. Papa, you know, at first I was actually a little sad, I didn't get a prophecy. I don't know if you could tell, but I thought it was a typo. [laughs] I wept a little bit! But then I thought, you know, maybe doing the right thing... Is more important than whether or not some Zimas think it's the right thing. You know?
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: So, you know, I just went up and did it.
PLECK: That's great, AJ! [realizing] Wait, guys, AJ's right. It doesn't matter what we're chosen to do. Sometimes making the galaxy a better place is about taking matters into your own hands!
PELL: [upset] Oh, so I'm supposed to do something with my medical degree!
PLECK: You have a medical degree?
KIARONDO: And I'm supposed to use my civil engineering degree?
TURNEK: [angry] Oh, and I'm supposed to use my degree in sustainable agriculture!
PLECK: You all have degrees?
LITTLE BOY: And I'm supposed to use my aeronautics degree to make my three inches into a thousand inches! [hovers]
PLECK: Wait, you can levitate more than three inches?
LITTLE BOY: Yes, but three is chill as hell!
PLECK: [laughing] I mean, it is chill.
[Delivery Guy wanders up]
DELIVERY GUY: Oh, sorry to interrupt. I have 42 sheets of lasagna for Dare?
DAR: I'm Dare!
ZIMA: [celebrating]
KIARONDO: Why, it's a miracle of the Space to save us all!
DAR: This is…
KIARONDO: At last.
DAR: This is all for me.
KIARONDO: All of it?
DAR: Yes.
KIARONDO: I see how it is.
[transition, the crew walks towards the spaceport]
PLECK: Spurch, thank you. Thank you for showing us around Zima Prime. And, you know, I know that it wasn't exactly what I thought when I showed up, but I'm really glad that I met all of my fellow Zimas here.
SPURCH: Yeah, man, I guess, you know, the thanks is all sort of over on this side of the table, man. You all got us water. It's amazing.
PLECK: Well, AJ's, you know, he's a go-getter. Say what you want. He knows how to...
AJ: There was so many skeletons in that pipe.
PLECK: How many were there?
AJ: [haunted] Too many.
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: Chunks.
SPURCH: You know, man, we're going to stop waiting for destiny. I think we're going to stop waiting and start living.
PLECK: Yeah.
SPURCH: You know?
PLECK: Yes, good.
SPURCH: Just get living! Yeah, man. The only problem is really, I mean, the water… so fresh of you. Love it.
PLECK: Fresh water.
SPURCH: Yeah. Hey, man, I haven't heard a water joke in [laughs] I can't tell you how long. Kind of got in poor taste.
C-53: Sure.
SPURCH: Anyway, yeah, no, but we're kind of at a loss. What we need is like a real type A, you know, like somebody who's going to organize, call the shots, tell people what to do, where to go. We got a whole room of, we call them the “inedible” scrolls.
DAR: Are there the scrolls you eat?
C-53: That implies a terrible situation…
SPURCH: Musty ones, but they are a wreck. And somebody sorting those out could probably dig out something good! We need someone to organize, you know, honestly? That's what we're… none of us are real good at.
DAR: Yeah, this is resonating.
[Bargie lands and ejects Nermut]
NERMUT: AHHHHHH!
BARGIE: Here he is, hooray!
NERMUT: Hey, guys, did I miss anything? I didn't die.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut!
C-53: Spurch, we may have a proposal for you.
NERMUT: Huh?
[transition]
DERF: [ethereal] Oh, hello, Oldest Derf here from, you know, the beyond where I live. I'm so very sorry I missed our last book club meeting. Those gossipmongery wedding guests really ripped the old Derfman apart this time. That night before, I jucked around a little bit, if you know what I mean, and you do. Anyway, as I labor to reconstitute myself into the physical form, tricky, I have been dutifully reading this month's title, The Stars Now Unclaimed by Drew Williams from the amazing sci-fi fantasy publisher Tor Books. It's a fun, fast-paced story on the lighter side of sci-fi, featuring a climactic, 136-page space battle in a distant galaxy. That's my kind of page numbers. The Stars Now Unclaimed is the first in the Universe After trilogy, following hero Jane Kamali as she recruits children with miraculous gifts in hope they might prevent the Pulse from sending countless worlds back to the Dark Ages. Oof. Let me say, what a relief to take a break from the serious business of fresh vs. wack. Ugh, exhausting. And escape into this fantastical galaxy. And if any of you book club members haven't ordered the book yet, well, you're in luck. Just visit torbooks.com to see many ordering options. And yes, I'm sorry, I know I said I would bring the wine this week, but oops, I'm dead, so sorry. The selection here is highly limited. Let some lemon-lime soda go flat and call it a vino verde. No one will know. And also at that Infoweb address, you'll find links to the next book in the Universe After trilogy, A Chain Across the Dawn. Plus, another great sci-fi book hand-picked for you, Starship Repo by Patrick S. Thomas, and following Firstname Lastname, yes, that is the name, who joins a crew recovering old ships. They're definitely not pirates, I can tell you that. All of these amazing books can be yours at torbooks.com/zyxx1. And I have disappeared!
[transition]
PLECK: Hey, Dar?
DAR: Yeah?
PLECK: [sheepish] Hey, I just wanted to thank you for standing up for me back there on Zima Prime. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember what I'm trying to do.
DAR: You know, I just want you to know that I support you. And also, if I don't eat every 24 minutes, I'm going to go insane.
PLECK: Yeah, that makes sense.
BARGIE: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but it's finished! Time for the premiere.
PLECK: What's, wait, your documentary's finished already?
BARGIE: [chipper] It's ready, it's up for the public, ready to see. You want to see it?
PLECK: Uh, sure.
BARGIE: I'm sorry, there's no red carpet event, okay? I couldn't get people, a lot of logistical things, but here it is.
PLECK: Yeah, no, that's okay.
[Bargie plays a film with an uptempo, amateuristic backing track]
C-53: Wow, they really cut this very fast…
BARGIE: Hey, that's why you pay them basically nothing! They're very good at what they do.
MOVIE BARGIE: Bargarean Jade! Hero… in da sky.
AJ: In da sky or in disguise?
DAR: Fast, but I wouldn't say GOOD at what they do.
MOVIE BARGIE: [terrible British accent] She had a terrible fall, but now she’s back on top! Because she’s an ‘ero who saves children! Kids, you are great, yay, kids!
MOVIE KID: I love you too, Bargie!
MOVIE KIDS: We love you, Bargie!
C-53: Bargie, who are these kids?
BARGIE: Just kids I've saved. Why don't you pay attention?
PLECK: They kind of all sound like you, Bargie.
MOVIE BARGIE: She kisses people on the mouth and they become stronger because of it.
AJ: I gotta say, this room tone is amazing.
PLECK: It is good room tone.
C-53: Bargie, these are a lot of bold claims here.
MOVIE BARGIE: She's ready to get back into the business. Don't take our word for it. Take the word from this director in Holowood.
DIRECTOR: [slowly] I've worked with the best. I've worked with the worst. I've worked with the middle.
MOVIE BARGIE: Bargarean Jade, thank you! Wow, wow!
[movie ends]
PLECK: That director didn't even mention the Bargarean Jade.
AJ: I'm sold. I think this is it. I think you're ready to go back! I love the voiceover.
BARGIE: Oh, and don't forget the blooper reel.
PLECK: A blooper reel?
[clip plays]
MOVIE NERMUT: AAAAAAH OOF!
CREW: [laughs]
C-53: That's Nermut falling in the water.
PLECK: I mean, that part was funny. Bargie, how is this going to help you?
BARGIE: I think the question is how is this not going to help me!
PLECK: [laughing] Yep, I think you're right. I think that's a fair question.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Mission Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, guys!
PLECK: How is Zima Prime?
NERMUT: How is Zima Prime? How is being alive!
PLECK: I mean, yeah.
NERMUT: Am I right?
C-53: I assume that’s rhetorical.
NERMUT: Every day now is a new life!
PLECK: Precious! Yeah, yeah.
NERMUT: So I'm going to organize all the scrolls here. I put up a chore wheel here on this tree so no one-
C-53: Oh, great, Nermut.
NERMUT: My name, my name’s kinda seeded, so…
C-53: You haven't seen any other names on it yet?
NERMUT: No, no one's signed up yet. So I'm kind of penciled in my name on all of them, and I'll spin it and see. [spins] Oh, yep, it's me on recycling.
C-53: Okay, well, that’s… I mean, you gotta do that.
PLECK: Gotta recycle.
NERMUT: Okay.
KIARONDO: Nermut.
NERMUT: Oh, Master Kiarondo, greetings.
KIARONDO: Welcome to Zima Prime. I see you're settling in.
NERMUT: Yes, yeah.
KIARONDO: I came by to ask if you'd care to learn the ancient Zima art of the devil sticks?
NERMUT: Oh, that sounds amazing. What is that? Oh..
[Kiarondo demonstrates the devil sticks]
KIARONDO: So you'll watch this third stick move.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah, I think that's, yeah.
KIARONDO: And then you can, oh, back the other way.
NERMUT: Yes, okay.
KIARONDO: And then, yes, a little toss there.
NERMUT: Okay, yeah, I've seen those at a lot of street fairs and things.
KIARONDO: Would you like to learn?
NERMUT: Oh, you know, you know, carpe diem.
KIARONDO: Excellent!
NERMUT: [fumbles]
KIARONDO: Okay, we need to get you a smaller set.
NERMUT: Okay, so I'll put this one under my arm…
PLECK: Yeah, those are big…
KIARONDO: You're going to have some trouble.
PLECK: Okay, good luck, Nermut. We'll talk to you later.
NERMUT: Wow…
[call disconnects]
PLECK: Bargie, thank you for rescuing Nermut. That was really heroic.
BARGIE: Hey, AJ, did you get that?
AJ: I don't think they're recording anymore.
C-53: Yeah, Bargie, I don't know if they're here anymore. They showed us…
BARGIE: Oh, really? Oh, well… crap.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 and Master Kiarondo were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Master Little Boy were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy and Master Turnek were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Master Pell were played by Winston Noel. Old Derf was played by Justin Tyler and appeared courtesy of The Space. Spurch, aka Big Turtle, was played by special guest Justin McElroy. Justin is the co-host of podcasts like My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the basis for a recent TV adaptation by NBCUniversal. Sawbones and The Adventure Zone, both of which have been adapted into New York Times best-selling books. His voice acting has appeared in OK K.O., Slug Riot, and the upcoming Trolls World Tour. He's currently working with his family on graphic novel adaptations of The Adventure Zone and a mini-series for Marvel called Journey into Mystery. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
HOST: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Match Game! Our contestants, Nnekay and James from the hit podcast Minority Korner! I’ll ask you questions in a rapid fire round, favorite character on a Shonda Rhimes show!
NNEKAY: Olivia Pope!
JAMES: Ooh, I said Olivia Pope’s wig!
HOST: Ooh, so close! How do you feel about Disney?
NNEKAY: They need to pay reparations to black people because Mickey Mouse was based off of blackface.
JAMES: I say get rid of the racist rides Jungle Cruise, Splash Mountain.
HOST: Who are you voting for in the primary?
NNEKAY: It’s too damn early.
JAMES: I’m just getting to know these fools!
HOST: Ooh, no dice. What celebrity do you side eye the most?
JAMES: Kevin Hart, can we get a real apology for your homophobia?
NNEKAY: Justin Timberlake.
JAMES: Nipplegate.
HOST: Favorite superhero movie?
JAMES AND NNEKAY: Black Panther! Wakanda forever!
HOST: Congratulations, but you still lose!
JAMES AND NNEKAY: Now I’m side eying you.
HOST: Yes, Nnekay and James, the wonder twins of podcasting on Minority Korner every Friday at Maximum Fun.
JESSE: Going into a Bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's also a real conversation, so I don't know where it's headed.
GUEST: I think you just clarified something for me that's never been really clear before.
GUEST: This is the most serious I've ever been in my life. You've made me completely serious. I feel like I'm in therapy.
JESSE: Bullseye. Creators you know. Creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported.
ALLIE: Pleck, C, could I just borrow the two of you for the briefest of seconds?
JEREMY: Yeah, absolutely.
JUSTIN: These cats side-channel a lot, right?
WINSTON: That's true.
JEREMY: Indeed they do, Spurch. It's very suspicious.
WINSTON: But that's their journey, so we must respect it.
JUSTIN: Kind of thought we'd follow them, but it turns out they were leaving our thing.
WINSTON: It's with us now.
JEREMY: We must meditate on this.
EVERYONE: [laughs]