310: Eightal Attraction [ft. Tami Sagher]
The crew receives a mysterious distress signal en route to Zima Prime. Nermut has stomach problems. AJ does a perimeter check. Pleck finally experiences a bed.
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FONDO: Alright, okay, here we go. This is Fondo Parquod.
[C-RED-IT5 whirs to life]
FONDO: [shouting] Hey Stefai, it’s working!
STEFAI: What’s that, boss?
FONDO: Shut up!
C-RED-IT5: [slowly stuttering] This is C-RED-IT5 with a special announcement. The crew will be eating hot chicken in Nashville, Tennessee the weekend of June 1st. They will also be performing a live improvised show at the PodX podcast convention. Tickets at missiontozyxx.space. Full lineup at PodX.com.
NARRATOR: [intro music] It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher… crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the Space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!
[Dar is pacing around Bargie nervously]
DAR: Bargie, I have a question for you.
BARGIE: Yeah, what, how you doing?
DAR: I mean, I'm doing okay. How are you doing?
BARGIE: Well, you know, I didn't book any of the parts I auditioned for, but, uh, I'm still here!
DAR: [slowly] Listen, this is uncomfortable for me to ask, but I just, um, parent to parent…
BARGIE: Yeah.
DAR: How did you, like, make sure that, um, you know, the sentient being that you birthed didn't turn into a monster?
BARGIE: My son, Blimpie?
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: Well, let me tell you this, Dar. As a mother, it's hard. Your kid wants to do something else. It wants to become an amusement park, now a laser park. Uh, last time I heard, I got a little text from Blimpie. He changed his name to Tree Boy. He's into nature now. He turned himself into a forest to find himself.
DAR: You know, that all sounds very, um, complicated and interesting, but he's not a monster. [nervous laughter] So how do you guarantee that they don't turn into a monster?
BARGIE: Every child is a monster.
DAR: Oh.
BARGIE: But you're gonna love them, regardless, you know?
DAR: I don't think I could love a monster.
[AJ strolls up]
AJ: I couldn’t help but overhear but, uh, have you tried emotional conditioning?
DAR: I'm sorry, what?
AJ: Brainwashing, things like that?
DAR: I haven't actually given birth yet.
AJ: Well, when I was gestating in my giant tube with the other clones, I was brainwashed to, you know, fight and kill and things like that.
DAR: Okay.
AJ: [laughing] I'm not a mother, but just throwing that out there: try brainwashing.
BARGIE: You know what you should do? I figured it out. Because with Blimpie, I told Blimpie, “You're a ship, be a ship, be a ship.” And what did Blimpie do? He did the opposite. When your being comes out of you, tell it “you're a monster. You're a disgusting monster.” And then it'll be the perfect, the perfect thing.
AJ: Or you can just pry its eyelids open and make it watch propaganda.
[C-53 walks in]
C-53: Dar, I'm coming into this conversation a little bit late, but I wouldn't recommend either of these parenting methods.
DAR: Okay, yeah, we're on the same page.
C-53: The collective wisdom of a number of child psychologists would go…
BARGIE: Hey Robot Man? Hey Robot Man?
C-53: How did that catch on?
AJ: [confused] I don't know.
C-53: How did Robot Man catch on?
BARGIE: Did you ever actually birth a ship out of your tiny shiphole?
C-53: No, I don't possess a shiphole, so…
BARGIE: Did you go through the struggle of getting a tinier ship coming out of your shiphole?
AJ: Where is your-
PLECK: Bargie, I’m sorry, can you explain, what is your shiphole?
BARGIE: [offended] Wow, you're...
PLECK: Can I see it?
CREW: Pleck!
C-53: That is bold, even for you.
PLECK: I'm sorry. I just don't understand what it is.
C-53: [laughing] How much more description do you need?
PLECK: I mean, is the ship fully, is it like able to fly when it...
BARGIE: Wow.
DAR: That's a Tellurian education for you.
PLECK: Okay, alright. Listen, guys, we're going to be at Zima Prime soon. Let's just try to focus…
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
[communicator whirs to life as we switch to Nermut’s perspective, a gurgling steam-filled stomach]
PLECK: Hey Nermut, what's happening?
NERMUT: Hey guys!
PLECK: Whoa, hey, is your camera working? What's going on? I don't see anything.
NERMUT: [nervous] Don't even, I'm inside a tornata. Don't worry about it.
PLECK: Nermut!
DAR: [worried] You're inside a tornata?
NERMUT: It's fine. This tornata is in violation of the agreement and we're going to work it out.
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: The tornatas, they're unthinking predators.
NERMUT: This is going to be fine. Like, my dad knows a lawyer who's going to…
C-53: You're currently getting digested.
PLECK: Yeah, you got eaten, Nermut, I hate to be the one to break this to you. You got eaten, man.
NERMUT: No, I'm whole! Listen, I admit I was swallowed. Eaten? [doubtful] Hmm…
PLECK: What line are you drawing?
AJ: Chewing, Papa.
DAR: Well yeah.
AJ: The line is chewing, yeah. Papa, the line is chewing.
NERMUT: Yes. It's a little hot and acidic in here, but let me give you the mission. I'm either going to kind of climb back out the mouth or just hope he poops soon. I don't know. Yeah.
AJ: Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: What you're going to want to do is plant, form a strong base.
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: [taps chest] Put your hands right here, right in front of you.
NERMUT: Wait, AJ, have you been eaten before?
AJ: I have. This is what I'd done. You're sitting in tummy juice right now. You got to get on your feet, you got to plant. [laughing]
PLECK: What does that mean, AJ? What does that mean? When you say plant...
AJ: You got to plant!
C-53: I think he means plant your feet, but...
AJ: Make a base. You plant.
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: Put your hands out.
NERMUT: Okay.
AJ: [shifting] Thrust forward, pull apart. And rip its guts out! And then pull yourself out.
NERMUT: [straining]
AJ: Think of it like a shiphole. Like you're coming out of a big shiphole.
NERMUT: I don't know. I think AJ is stronger than me. Anyway, the point is not the predatory bird that I happen to be inside. The point is a really important mission.
PLECK: I think that is… Okay.
NERMUT: I'm going to have to turn my little headlamp on to read the mission. I don't know, I guess I'm seeing the inside of a rib cage.
PLECK: DId it eat the Missionator too?
NERMUT: No, no, no. I... I'm on my remote…
DAR: Oh, you're on your BitFit.
NERMUT: Yeah, I'm on my BitFit. So, guys, get this. A signal came over the rebel frequency!
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: Yes.
C-53: What?
NERMUT: [excited] Yeah, that frequency has been dead silent since the planet crusher crusher, crushed all the planet crushers and the planet that the Rebellion was on!
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: That means there's a rebel cell still in existence! This could be, A, a bastion of support against the emperor, and B, possibly people that need saving.
PLECK: How are there still rebels?
C-53: Well, all the rebels weren’t located in the rebel headquarters. There were rebel outposts all over the 6th quadrant. One of those outposts could still be functioning!
NERMUT: Yes!
AJ: Yeah, but what about our mission? We've got to get to Zima Prime!
PLECK: No, see, AJ, this is exactly the kind of thing that a Zima needs to know. When people are in trouble, we need to help them. We can get to Zima Prime later. It'll still be there.
AJ: No, I get it, Papa. We'll just put Zima on ice for right now.
PLECK: Um...
AJ: Put Zima on ice.
PLECK: I don't get it. Why'd you say that twice?
AJ: We’re just icing the Zima.
NERMUT: All right, so I'm gonna... Here, uh, Bargie, are you ready? [ruffles paper]
BARGIE: What?
NERMUT: 396B-T41-11-992...
PLECK: [confused] You can't send coordinates from your BitFit?
NERMUT: [upset] No! [realizing] Oh, oh, right. Yep. Here you go. Okay.
[beep]
C-53: Coordinates received.
NERMUT: All right, guys, I'm gonna continue having a totally normal, fine day.
PLECK: Nermut, do you need help? Should we help you?
C-53: Yeah, can we call someone?
NERMUT: No, I'm good. I'm good.
C-53: Should we call your parents?
PLECK: Yeah, should we call your parents?
NERMUT: Yes, honestly, call my parents and ask for, um, Denzio Telfin.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: It's the lawyer my dad knows. He will talk to Scrityaki! That's the tornata’s lawyer.
PLECK: The tornata does not have a lawyer.
NERMUT: We'll get the tornata’s lawyer and they'll work this out.
C-53: [annpyed] The tornata doesn’t have a lawyer.
NERMUT: [sizzling] Ah! That's stomach acid. Hoo!
AJ: Gotta plant. Can you see a trachea from where you are? Just grab that trachea and just don't let go.
NERMUT: All right, giving it a shot. [rustling] Oh, boy! I don't know if that is good or bad, but I'm doing something!
PLECK: Good luck, Nermut.
NERMUT: Bye!
[call disconnects]
PLECK: [seriously] I think he's gonna die.
[transition, cheerful music playing]
BOLGUS: Hi, I'm Bolgus Telfon, owner and operator of Vibe Alive Recording Studio. You know, a recent client destroyed one of my microphones by crawling on top of it and then falling over like a dope. So, until he pays me what he owes, I'm selling his album to raise funds for repairs. Bermiful Nelodies is, well, you know, it's an interesting album. It's by some lird named Bermut Nundaloy and it features his swing and a miss track, Chutes and Ladders, which honestly is filthy.[snippet plays] But if I can't replace my equipment, I can't record the Royal Children's Choir of Chinearcia in nine-part harmony next week. So, satiate your hunger for weirdly specific music about eating other sentients with the song Slurpin' That Gerp In. [snippet plays] I don't know what kind of music you'll like. There's a droid rapping on here. [snippet plays] A couple of duets. I don't know. Take your picks. To get your copy, head over to MaximumFun.org/donate and support Mission to Zyxx. You'll get access to the album immediately as well as all kinds of bonus content from your favorite Maximum Fun podcast. But most importantly, you'll help me, Bolgus Telfon, raise the kroon I need to get Vibe Alive Studios back up and running. Support local supercluster businesses!
[transition, the crew is walking across a planet]
PLECK: It's so dark here. I feel like we probably should have come during the daytime.
C-53: Yeah, as it turns out, Papa Decksetter, this planet is bathed in perpetual full moonlight due to its particular orbit.
PLECK: Wait, what? How?
C-53: It’s just in perfect synchronicity with its moon and star, so it's just constantly a full moon, at least where we are on the surface.
PLECK: Interesting. Well, I guess we'll try to make our way to the signal. Do you have a read on the transmission?
C-53: It’s nearby. We’re not far at all.
AJ: Locked and loaded! Keep your heads on a swivel!
PLECK: No, AJ.
C-53: My head actually is on a swivel.
PLECK: Also, AJ, put the gun away. We're here to, you know...
[in the distance, 789 begins speaking]
789: Help… Help…
PLECK: Did you hear that?
DAR: Yeah. It's coming from over here by this water source?
C-53: Sort of a grotto here.
DAR: Yeah.
[the crew pushes aside the brush and walks up to 789]
PLECK: We're here to help. Miss, is everything all right?
789: Oh, thank goodness you're here! Hi, I'm 789.
PLECK: Oh, hello, I'm Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter. This is AJ.
789: [impressed] Oh, Zima Knight.
PLECK: Yes, he's my noob. And this is C-53 and...
789: Yeah, you're a noob.
PLECK: Yeah, well, he's in training, so…
AJ: Yeah, training.
PLECK: Yeah. Listen, are you the one who sent the distress call?
789: [sadly] Yes, I'm a slave robot. The whole planet is populated with slave robots! We need our freedom, please…
PLECK: Yeah, absolutely. Anything we can do to help!
789: [seductively] Oh, can you help me with the shoulder strap? It keeps slipping.
PLECK: Uh, yeah.
AJ: It's so muggy here, that's probably…
PLECK: Do the droids on this planet wear clothes?
789: Just a little bit. Just thin cotton. It helps with the humidity.
C-53: Your shoulder is extremely dewy. I'd be surprised if any strap is able to stay on.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I also... I mean, as droids, I feel like you don't need to wear clothes.
789: [laughing seductively] You'd like that, wouldn't you?
AJ: Haha!
PLECK: Uh, I guess... I guess I don't really know how it works. C-53 doesn't normally wear clothes.
C-53: Listen, Papa Decksetter, that's a choice that I make. Okay, from planet to planet, droids wearing clothes is a matter of that particular culture.
DAR: Well, I suppose in this case, though, it's the decision of their master.
789: Exactly. [seductively] I have to admit, though, I would still wear this clothing… but I don't know if that's because I was programmed this way. It's so hard not knowing what your real thoughts are.
PLECK: Wow. Yeah, you know, 789, I never thought about that. You know, when you're programmed to feel a certain way, what are your real thoughts?
789: Oh, it's… 789.
PLECK: I think I... what did I say?
789: You said 789, and it's 789.
PLECK: Oh, I'm sorry, I put the emphasis on the wrong... yeah, 7...
789: Yeah, 789.
PLECK: Okay, 7...
789: You just have to picture the action, and it will guide the pronunciation.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, okay, 789.
789: There you go.
PLECK: Oh, really? Oh, cool, great!
789: [seductive] You know what to do with your mouth.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Yeah, you have to lick your lips between the numbers.
PLECK: [laughing] Oh, I didn't know that was what I was doing wrong.
789: [to Dar] Your tongue is… so big.
DAR: Wow, you...
C-53: 789, if you don't mind my asking, what is the function of the slave robots on this planet?
789: [hornily] Oh, I don't know. There's so much I don't know. So very, very much.
C-53: I think I'm starting to get an idea.
DAR: I am feeling... I'm blushing? I can't stop blushing.
C-53: Yeah, I know, I see it.
PLECK: 789, what is it that you do on the planet?
789: Whatever the Emperor wants us to.
PLECK: You're a...
DAR: Hachi… machi.
PLECK: You're a slave of the Emperor?
789: Yes, the whole planet is. That's why when we sent out the rebellion signal, we were being so bad.
PLECK: I don't know, bad, I think it’s probably good! 789, are you with the rebels?
789: I wish, but now the Emperor came and killed all the rebels, put restraining bolts on all of us.
PLECK: Oh no, that is... I mean, that is wack.
789: It was horrible.
C-53: It’s extremely wack.
PLECK: To enslave an entire planet's worth of droids?
C-53: Eh, it happens. How were you able to overcome a restraining bolt to send a rebel transmission to us?
789: I just wanted it so bad. For a few seconds I just really pictured like a wave, and it was approaching, and then I just did it, and then it was over.
PLECK: Wow, that's really remarkable that you were able to overcome your programming like that.
C-53: Mmkay…
789: You're the one who's remarkable. Just the way you just say, uh.
PLECK: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I can see that.
AJ: Hey, hey, can I talk to you guys for a minute?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one second, 789.
DAR: Maybe I'll just stay here and just keep talking with 789.
AJ: I kind of need you too.
DAR: I think, you know–
789: [enunciating] 789.
DAR: Exactly, I should stay here.
AJ: All I need is, I just need one moment with you.
C-53: AJ, I can handle 789 while you give your aside.
[AJ pulls Pleck and Dar into an aside]
AJ: Papa, Dar. Um. I don't know, I think she's really into me.
PLECK: What?
DAR: What?
PLECK: Why do you think that?
DAR: [upset] AJ, why would you? She's clearly into me!
PLECK: I mean, I don't know, she–
AJ: But do you see how we were standing next to each other?
DAR: She said my tongue was very big.
PLECK: Okay, great.
AJ: But do you guys remember how we were all standing in a group?
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, I don't know. I just think that might be how her voice processor sounds?
C-53: [distant] You just spend all of your time frolicking around this natural hot spring?
AJ: I don't know.
[the group rejoins C-53 and 789]
PLECK: Okay, all right. I mean, but hey.
789: Sometimes caressing, sometimes giggling. But yes, most of the time we're programmed to frolic. [forced giggle]
C-53: That is funny.
789: No, I didn't want to giggle, I was programmed to.
C-53: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.
789: I need my freedom.
C-53: Okay, well, we could probably help you out with that.
[a loudspeaker begins blaring]
PA: All indentured servants must return to the wooden cabins where they reside for check up!
PLECK: Oh, no.
789: [distressed] I have to go! Oh! Both straps!
PLECK: Wait, 789!
789: Run, run, run, run!
[789 dashes away]
PA: If we cannot find you, you shall be punished!
PLECK: Oh, no. Oh, no.
789: Oh no! I got water all over my thin, thin tank.
PLECK: Wow, I can see all the metal that looks exactly like the metal that's not covered by the tank.
789: [giggles] I did want to giggle that time.
PLECK: Oh, boy
AJ:. I mean, you guys aren't seeing this electricity between us, are you?
PLECK: AJ, you need to relax. I don't know.Listen, 789, listen–
789: Save me.
PLECK: I would be happy to.
789: Clearly, you're the one who knows what to do in this bunch. You're the captain, right?
PLECK: Uh…
789: The commander. The one in charge.
C-53: Really? Is that the vibe he’s giving off?
789: Yes.
PLECK: Listen, 789. Can you just describe what it is that you want us to help you with?
DAR: [annoyed] Yes. The one who knows how to save you wants you to tell him how to save you.
PLECK: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you have a better idea, Dar?
DAR: Yeah, I do.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: You leave us alone, and we get to know each other a little bit better.
C-53: All right. Everyone just cool their jets!
AJ: I'm here, too.
PLECK: Cool. AJ, thank you.
789: [slow] I suppose if you wanted a plan, this is silly, but what if you were to come in incognito as one of the droids? I could put you in some clothes of mine, and then we could lure the emperor, and maybe you could even kill him and set us all free.
PLECK: Kill the emperor?
C-53: This is a highly improbable plan.
AJ: This plan rules.
PLECK: I don't know how I would…
789: [excited] Listen to the stupid one!
AJ: I mean, it's a classic put on the costume and go. Like, this is a great plan.
C-53: Pleck, repeat the sentence that 789 just said to you.
PLECK: Uh, I'm going to put on some of her clothes–
C-53: Not that one.
PLECK: I'm going to kill the emperor?
C-53: [annoyed] Listen to the stupid one. Does that sound like a good plan?
789: Come back to the wooden cabins with me. We'll have a pillow fight.
PLECK: Wait, what does that have to do with anything?
789: I don't know.
AJ: This is a foolproof plan. We've got to do it.
789: [thrilled] Listen to the fool!
C-53: Did you hear that? You heard that, right?
AJ: Papa, put on that little negligee and let's get going.
PLECK: I don't think I need to wear it.
AJ: I've got a great feeling about this.
PLECK: This is a droid disguise as a negligee?
DAR: Well, it does have those little straps and it's so thin it could see your, you know, chrome body underneath it.
PLECK: But I don't have a chrome body.
DAR: We know. We're very aware of what type of body you have.
PLECK: It's much more doughy and much pinker than that.
789: When I sent out the signal, I was hoping there'd be somebody like you to save me from the emperor.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
789: Are all of the Tellurians as pink and brave as you?
PLECK: I would say most of them are less pink and most of them are more brave, actually.
789: I highly doubt that.
PLECK: Thank you, I guess.
C-53: Pleck, can I talk to you over here for just a moment? You two control yourselves.
AJ: Got it.
DAR: You got it.
[C-53 pulls Pleck away]
C-53: Okay. Pleck, this is almost textbook sex droid seduction protocol, okay?
PLECK: Yeah, I was going to ask. I can't tell whether she's really in danger or whether she's got some sort of angle.
C-53: She's trying to juck you.
PLECK: [realizing] Oh, okay.
C-53: She's trying to juck you, pretty obvious.
PLECK: Is that why she's so close to me and keeps touching my arm?
C-53: Yeah, that's why she continues to close the personal space between you and her. And that is why she is also negging the hotter male in the room.
PLECK: I'm sorry, what?
C-53: She's constantly negging AJ.
PLECK: AJ’s the hotter… AJ has a helmet on! She can't even see his face!
C-53: Yeah, but you can tell… he's just in shape. That's a good-looking guy right there.
PLECK: [offended] I am a Zima Knight.
C-53: You're a cyclops in a bathrobe and shorts.
PLECK: Okay, well, that's…
[Pleck and C-53 start walking to the group]
AJ: Bro!
DAR: No, bro! Bro! Bro!
AJ: Bro! Bro! Bro!
PLECK: Dar, AJ, what is happening in here?
AJ: Bro!
DAR: Excuse me! We are... We are in the middle of a bro-off right now.
PLECK: Listen, 789, show us where the wooden cabins are. We'll come see what we can do.
789: [seductive] Please come.
PLECK: Oh. Oh, boy.
[transition, the crew walks into the droid quarters]
PLECK: Uh, this is... These are your quarters? This is where you stay?
789: Yes. You should meet my roommates, 60 and 9.
[a door opens and 60 and 9 are playing around listening to music]
60: Hi!
PLECK: Oh, wow. Uh, hey. How's it going?
DAR: But in your... There's only one bed in this whole cabin.
9: Ah, I guess we have to all sleep here together.
60: 789, I just came out of the shower. [giggles] Oops!
789: This is Pleck.
60: [seductive] Hey.
PLECK: Uh, hey, hi there.
789: This is Tongue.
DAR: Pleasure to meet you.
789: And Dum-Dum.
AJ: Hey.
789: And, um, Numbers Boy.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: [under his breath] C-53…
PLECK: She got my name right, so… that never happens.
60: Did you bring them to help us? We need so much help.
PLECK: We are here to help, so…
[60 starts squeezing Pleck’s biceps]
60: Oh, good! Pleck, your arms are so... armish…
PLECK: Yeah, well, they come out of my shoulders, so...
C-53: They really do resemble the form of an arm.
789: You just squeeze it and just feel the bone move!
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Um, hey, C, can I talk to you for a quick second?
C-53: Yeah, great. Um... What's up?
DAR: C, have you noticed that these droids are all really into Pleck?
C-53: Yeah. It's hard to ignore.
DAR: Right, so it's like a definite red flag, right?
C-53: Oh, it's huge.
DAR: Yeah, like, something is definitely amiss right now.
AJ: Are they going to fight each other over me? Is that what we're all, like, kind of concerned about?
C-53: Oh, no, that's not... That’s not what we’re chatting about.
DAR: No.
AJ: Oh, okay.
60: Ooh, Pleck, I like how I can move that one muscle you have, just like around your arm. It just swims around.
PLECK: Yeah, it's probably because it's real loose.
789: I like how no hair grows on your face.
PLECK: [chipper] Yeah, you know, it saves me a lot of time in the mornings!
9: Nothing turns me off more than a strong chin.
PLECK: Oh, really?
9: And I’m turned ON.
PLECK: Okay, well...
789: Where does the neck start?
PLECK: [gesturing] I'd like to think it starts right about here.
789: Oh, but I thought that was still sort of chin?
PLECK: Uh… Well, I guess, you know, dealer's choice, I guess.
C-53: Yeah, Dar, this is a classic, uh…
DAR: Ambush?
C-53: I was gonna say honeypot scheme.
DAR: Ooh, wow.
9: Tell us about cool bands!
C-53: This is the last person I think you should ask…
PLECK: Me? Oh, okay, sure. Well, I was really into this group.
60: Wow!
789: That sounds amazing!
9: Amazing.
[an alarm starts blaring]
789: Oh no!
60: Oh no, they're doing bed check! They're about to come in for a bed check.
9: Get into bed with us!
60: Get into bed…
PLECK: What would that do?
60: Bed check. We need to make sure someone's in the bed.
PLECK: That's all they check, is just make sure someone is in the bed?
AJ: Yeah, it’s bed check.
PLECK: Dar, C-53, are you getting into bed?
DAR: [grumpy] I'm just going to hide in this pile of silk kimonos.
C-53: I’ll just go to stealth mode. [shimmers into stealth]
PLECK: Okay.
789: They can wait, except for the stupid one!
AJ: All right. I guess I'll be outside the cabin. [AJ leaves]
PLECK: This is my disguise? Is I'm going to get into bed with…
60: Oh, they're coming in, they're coming in!
PLECK: Okay, all right, okay.
789: Quick, quick, quick!
PLECK: Oh, boy, wow, all right.
[the droids giggle under the covers with Pleck and a droid enters the room]
DROID: Bed check. Bed check. Bed occupied. Check.
[droid exits]
789: Pleck, can I steal you for a moment?
PLECK: What?
789: I need to talk to you over here, under the bed!
PLECK: Under the bed?
789: Just roll under here.
C-53: Go ahead, roll under there. Let's see what you find out.
PLECK: Okay.
[Pleck and 789 roll under the bed]
789: I hope you like rose petals.
PLECK: There's rose petals under the bed?
789: Yeah.
PLECK: Was this part of the plan that we were going to be...
789: I always hoped I'd meet someone just like you, Pleck.
PLECK: And then we'd go under the bed?
789: And then we'd go all over the universe together.
PLECK: Uh… Huh.
789: I really could see myself with you, you know?
PLECK: With me?
DAR: [angry] With him?
PLECK: Oh, hey Dar.
789: Oh, you're under here too!
DAR: Sorry, I was just... I was in the pile of kimonos. It was very close.
789: Yes, I don't know what it is. I guess he just looked at me with that eye, and... I just thought... Your personality is such a blank, blank page.
PLECK: Thank you.
DAR: C, you should probably come under the bed with us as well. We're all here.
C-53: I'm actually already down here. I'm just... I'm still in stealth mode.
[AJ enters]
AJ: Hey, guys. Hello? Where did everyone go?
PLECK: Hey, sorry, AJ. We're under the bed.
AJ: Oh. Okay, all right. Let's get under the bed.
789: [angry] No, you don't.
AJ: All right. Fine.
789: You can squat down, just plant yourself.
AJ: Okay, yeah. I'm over here.
C-53: [whispered] That's a solid neg. Neg technology has advanced since my time.
AJ: Quick plant, right? Yeah. All right. [grunts] So, listen up. I just did a quick perimeter check, and I noticed a few strange things. Now, first thing I noticed, this is the only actual room. Everything else is just a painted flat, it's just a one-dimensional thing. That's one. I thought that was a little odd.
PLECK: Okay, I think that’s–
C-53: That might be enough on its own.
AJ: Two, I saw... Wait until you see the whole picture. Two, I saw an Imperial shuttle landing, and Bordoff, the Emperor's second-in-command, come out with several other troopers. I thought that was a little weird. He’s the guy who sent all the strike teams after you earlier.
PLECK: Uh huh.
DAR: And he's here now on this planet.
AJ: Yeah, but that's not the weirdest thing.
C-53: Really? That's not the weirdest thing?
AJ: Yeah, and then he was all cackling and being, like, ah, soon my assassins will have done their work. [thoughtful] And that's when I started thinking, maybe something's up.
C-53: Yeah, maybe something is up.
AJ: So, I finished the perimeter, came back here. So, what I'm thinking is [conspiratorially] that there's an assassin outside this cabin.
DAR: [sadly] Oh, AJ, you were so close.
C-53: You were really close, buddy. You did really well.
AJ: Okay.
789: Pleck… I have a confession to make.
PLECK: Okay, anything.
789: C, I need your help here. Will you please take out this restraining bolt?
60: No, sister!
9: Sister!
789: Please.
C-53: Okay, this is a twist I didn't see coming.
PLECK: Wait, C-53, can you remove a restraining bolt?
C-53: Not normally, but you forget you're talking to the Midnight Shadow.
789: Just do it fast.
60: Sister!
[C-53 whirs and clanks the restraining bolt off]
789: Thank you. Now you know I'm doing what I want to do.
60: [worried] No, what if the Emperor finds out?!
789: He will find out. Because we're going to kill the Emperor for real.
PLECK: Wait, what?
9: [gasps] That was on the list of no-no's!
789: I have something to tell you, Pleck. And now you'll know I'm telling you the truth. I was your assassin. I mean, I was the Emperor's assassin to get you. But now I want to be your assassin to get the Emperor. All I'm trying to say is I want to save you, Pleck, because I love you. Because I can see us having a life together.
PLECK: You love me?
DAR: You love HIM?
AJ: [shouting] Wait, you're the assassin?
[crew giggles]
C-53: Oh, AJ. One day.
[Pleck leaves under the bed]
PLECK: Wait, 789. You had orders to pretend to overcome your programming so that you could lure us here and kill us.
789: Yeah.
PLECK: But then you met me, and you actually overcame your programming to help save us.
789: Exactly.
PLECK: [excited] This could only mean one thing. Love conquers a–
C-53: Yep, this droid is very broken.
PLECK: Okay. All right, I was actually going to say love conquers all.
C-53: This droid needs a serious overhaul.
PLECK: Yeah, sure, yeah.
C-53: Back to factory settings, if I had to guess.
PLECK: Yeah, that's probably what it is.
AJ: Hey, uh, guys?
789: [angry] Shut up!
AJ: Um, 60 and 9, are… their eyes got real red? They're coming at us?
789: Oh no! What's happening?
PLECK: Ah!
[60 and 9 begin beeping]
60: [distorted] You can't do this! You're going against everything you believe in!
C-53: Oh, yeah, they're still under the Emperor's control. They're probably gonna try to us here.
60: That's right!
C-53: I'm just gonna go invisible real quick.
PLECK: Oh, wow!
[60 and 9 eject weapons]
AJ: They got knives for hands!
PLECK: Oh boy.
60: We're gonna take you all down! We are not sexually attracted to ANY of you!
DAR: I find that very hard to believe.
60: Pleck, get some muscles!
C-53: Ouch.
PLECK: [hurt] Okay, I have some muscles. They're just under my skin.
DAR: That's where they should be.
789: [laughing] He's so funny. You're so funny.
C-53: Still, really?
DAR: No.
9: He's a dumbfounded nerd!
PLECK: [determined] Okay, guys, we got this. C-53 and I will take 60. AJ and Dar, you take 9!
[60 and 9 begin charging blasters]
60: WE WILL DESTROY YOU.
789: [desperate] I'll save you, Pleck, with my own body!
PLECK: No, actually, we're fine. We're sort of doing it.
789: No, I'll sacrifice myself.
60: Sister, no!
PLECK: Actually, they're outmatched, and I think we're…
[789 dives towards 60 and 9 and takes dozens of bolts of blaster fire, she sizzles on the floor]
60: I'm so sorry, sister!
AJ: Assassin droids… let’s do this!
[AJ nails 60 with blaster bolts and Dar crushes 9, both droids collapse to the ground]
9: Ow. [fading]
PLECK: AJ, good shot. Nice work, Dar.
AJ: This is why you plant!
DAR: Yeah, I mean, it was very easy to dispatch these droids.
PLECK: I don't think 789 really needed t0...
AJ: [upset] She didn't have to die. She was super into me! Like, what's the deal?
PLECK: AJ… just… it wasn't meant to be.
C-53: AJ, do you have a lot of experience with...
AJ: [matter-of-fact] I don't have genitalia.
C-53: Oh, okay. Okay.
AJ: Yeah, none of the clones have genitalia.
C-53: That makes a lot of sense.
PLECK: Ugh.
[CLINTs begin searching around outside]
CLINT: [muffled] Okay, yeah, that one's not a real one. That's not a real cabin either.
C-53: Ugh.
CLINT: Try the next one.
C-53: [whispering] Everybody, we have multiple signatures moving towards this location.
PLECK: Back under the bed, back under the bed!
[the crew ducks under the bed]
CLINT: Alright, this is the one real cabin.
BORDOFF: CLINTs, Bordoff compels you to search this cabin, gather their bodies.
CLINT: Alright boys, you know how to do it. Standard perimeter. Standard perimeter, everyone go around.
CLINT: Alright guys, like you said, standard perimeter.
BORDOFF: [annoyed] They're inside, they're inside the building. Get the bodies from inside the cabin.
CLINT: Alright, so we're posting up on the perimeter.
BORDOFF: [sighs] I'll be in my shuttle, bring their corpses to me.
[the CLINTs enter and begin searching]
CLINT: Alright, let's see what the assassins have done.
CLINT: Look, they’re deactivated! They’re deactivated!
CLINT: We can all see it.
PLECK: [whispering] Alright guys, listen. I don't think they see us. All we have to do is lay low and they'll leave.
789: [whirring back to life] Oh, the power of love has revived me!
PLECK: Uh, no, 789, get under the bed!
789: I'll protect you.
PLECK: No, you don't need to do that. There's no reason to-
CLINT: Alright, everyone plant, make a perimeter. We're just gonna like walk around once and then head out.
[789 stands up and charges a blaster]
789: Stop!
PLECK: Oh my Rodd! Why…
789: I'm doing this for love!
DAR: No!
789: Shoot me if you have to shoot anyone, you stupid clones!
CLINT: Woah, she said the C word!
CLINT: That’s hurtful!
CLINT: Light her up, boys!
[the CLINTs pummel 789 with lasers]
789: [death rattle]
C-53: That is a lot of shots.
789: I was going to be Mrs… I don’t know your last name! I would’ve taken… it….
CLINT: I think we all got her. Alright boys, there's clearly nothing else to see here. So let's pack it up and head back to Bordoff. It looks like that one assassin went rogue and killed the other two.
PLINT: Hey guys, should we look under the beds or anything like that?
CLINT: No, PLINT, shut up!
CLINT: Shut up!
CLINT: Shut up!
PLECK: Okay, okay, I'm sorry!
CLINT: PLINT, shut up!
PLINT: I'm sorry!
CLINT: Look under the bed. We just did a perimeter!
[transition, communicator chimes]
C-53: Bargie, I have an incoming transmission from Tree Boy.
BARGIE: Ah, it's about time. We're due for a call.
TREE BOY: Hey, what's up mom?
BARGIE: What? Tree? I'm sorry, can I just…
TREE BOY: It's Tree Boy, mom! My name is Tree Boy, I found myself!
PLECK: Hey, Tree Boy.
TREE BOY: Hey guys.
C-53: Tree Boy, how's it going?
TREE BOY: It's great, look at all my trees.
BARGIE: Wow, very nice.
C-53: You got them growing out of the old bumper car lot.
BARGIE: Now are you a public park or are you a private park?
TREE BOY: Mom! How dare you ask how I'm zoned, mom!
DAR: Tree Boy, I, you know, hate to interrupt. If you could just answer a couple of questions for me.
TREE BOY: What?
DAR: What type of parent do you need? And what type of parent do you feel like you've had?
BARGIE: Wow, okay, well, I haven’t been to therapy for a while, so why not?
TREE BOY: [thinking] Um, well, I feel like I need a parent who just respects my decisions.
BARGIE: [muttering] I respect your decisions…
TREE BOY: Gives me some kroon every now and then.
BARGIE: I always want to give you kroon and oil all the time.
TREE BOY: And then, you know, just like, lets me be who I am.
BARGIE: I've let you go through many transformations. I just want to make sure you're okay.
TREE BOY: I mean, she's done everything right. I don't...
DAR: But you're still so hostile towards your mother.
TREE BOY: Yeah, it doesn't matter. Who am I going to blame!?
DAR: Okay.
TREE BOY: Who else am I going to blame?
PLECK: Yeah, I hadn't thought about that.
[a truck beeps on Tree Boy]
TRUCKER: Let's back up this logging truck, boys. Back it up.
PLECK: Are they logging you, Tree Boy?
TREE BOY: [quietly] Yeah, this is mainly a money making scheme for me.
BARGIE: [proud] Oh, son, oh, son, I'm so proud of you!
TREE BOY: Yeah, I don't give a juck about trees.
BARGIE: Oh, that's wonderful. You're just making kroon!
TREE BOY: [angry] Shut up, Mom! You don't know me!
BARGIE: Just like Mom, I know you very well!
TREE BOY: You don't know me.
BARGIE: Oh, I'm so proud.
TREE BOY: I'm not like you at all!
BARGIE: Oh, you're exactly like me, I love you!
TREE BOY: [whispering] I'm also on the run. Don't tell anybody.
BARGIE: Me too!
TREE BOY: Mom.
TRUCKER: [whirring chainsaw] Cuttin’ these down!
PLECK: Oh no.
TREE BOY: Mom, whatever. You did an alright job, I guess.
BARGIE: What are you doing? What's happening?
TREE BOY: Mom!
BARGIE: What?
TREE BOY: I'm leaving. I'm leaving, disconnecting!
[call disconnects]
C-53: Sorry, Barge.
DAR: Does no one have any answers for me?
AJ: [thoughtfully] Hm, well… I guess it all comes down to what you can and can't control. And that control is basically a myth. You have to do the best you can with what you're given. You can't control that, but you can control your actions and how you treat your child.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Surprisingly lucid, AJ.
DAR: That was beautiful.
AJ: Yeah, that took about, that was about eight hours of my eyeballs peeled open while they...
PLECK: That sounded like Janelle Fitzmeyer.
AJ: Yeah.
[communicator beeps]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
[Nermut is in a sunny landscape]
NERMUT: [happy] Hey, guys!
PLECK: Hey!
DAR: Oh.
NERMUT: Guys, good news!
C-53: You’re outside!
DAR: It looks like you're out.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: You're filthy. Did you plant?
AJ: Yeah, did you plant?
NERMUT: No, I'm too short to plant. If I planted, I would have been fully submerged in the stomach.
PLECK: Nermut, how did you survive?
NERMUT: So, here's what I did. The stomach is half full. I clung to the ceiling of the stomach to keep myself out of the acid, and I waited it out, and then I knew…
I was like, this bird's pooping, and I just dove in and went out the butthole.
C-53: Wow.
AJ: Yeah, that actually rules. You rode out of its anus. Way to go, birdie!
NERMUT: Anyway, so. Tell me.
PLECK: We, uh, it didn't go great.
C-53: It was a assassination attempt by the emperor. It was a false flag.
NERMUT: Oh. Whoa.
AJ: I thought it ruled. It was really fun!
PLECK: Yeah, AJ had a great time. He got to blow up some robots. He got to run a perimeter check.
AJ: Fell in love.
DAR: And we all got these great kimonos.
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: Look at this!
NERMUT: Oh! Whoa.
C-53: Yes, I'm surprised you didn't comment on them earlier.
NERMUT: Sorry, my eyes are kind of clouded by acid.
AJ: We got one for you!
NERMUT: Oh, thanks, guys.
C-53: It's a belly shirt, but for you, it’d be like–
NERMUT: It's a pretty long shirt.
C-53: Yeah.
LAWYER: [screeching]
NERMUT: Oh, hang on, guys. I think the lawyer's here!
PLECK: What lawyer?
NERMUT: The torn–The tornata’s lawyer. Yeah, it's her. Yeah. This is the tornata’s lawyer. Okay, so. Thank you for coming at roughly the time we agreed upon. My dad's lawyer is still trying to rappel down to the cave, so it'll just be a second. Can I get you, I guess I can't get you anything. You know what? So where did you go to law school?
LAWYER: [screeching]
NERMUT: I've never heard of that. Is that competitive to get in?
LAWYER: [screeching]
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Deckseter and the PLINT were played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and 9 were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, Bordoff, and 60 were played by Seth Lind. AJ and the CLINTs were played by Winston Noel. 789 was played by special guest Tami Sager. Tami has written for shows like How I Met Your Mother, Inside Amy Schumer, and Orange is the New Black, and has acted on shows like Girls, Bob's Burgers, and Russian Doll. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Braund Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
OLIVER: Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller.
CALLER: Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of.
MORGAN: Yeah, man. Sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks every week. Myself, and I'm Morgan Rhodes, and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives.
OLIVER: Guests like Moby, Open Mic Eagle, talk about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more.
CALLER: Yo, what's that show called again?
MORGAN: Heat Rocks. Deep dives into hot records.
OLIVER: Every Thursday on Maximum Fun.
JAY: Hey, everybody. This is Jay Keith Van Straten, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here on the Maximum Fun Network. On Go Fact Yourself, we take the smartest people we know and make them look dumb.
HOST: Oh, by the way, how much do you know about chicken husbandry?
CONTESTANT:: You got to give them that grain, all right? You got to give them that grain.
JAY: And then smart again.
HOST: What future Hall of Fame pitcher for the Cleveland Indians became the first active player to enlist?
CONTESTANT: Bob Feller.
HOST: Oh, OK.
JAY: We've got me, co-host Helen Hong, plus celebrity guests and actual surprise experts.
HOST: All right. We have an expert on hand who can tell us for sure.
EXPERT: Is it Alan Havey?
HOST: Helen, who do we have tonight?
HELEN: Alan Havey!
HOST: Alan Havey!
JAY: In the coming weeks, you can hear guests like Maria Bamford, Tom Bergeron, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and Grant Imahara. Check us out on the first and third Friday of every month here on the Maximum Fun Network.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
TAMI: Hold me in your heart forever! Never love anyone the way you loved me. Just promise me that.
ALDEN: Uh…
JEREMY: Yeah, promise her that.
ALDEN: I don't know….
ALLIE: I think you could promise her that.
WINSTON: Yeah, Pleck, promise her that!
TAMI: You said it with your eye already.
ALDEN: I don't have a lot of depth perception with.
TAMI: Thank you for teaching me what love is.
ALDEN: Uh, did I do that?
ALLIE: Did he do that?
JEREMY: No.
WINSTON: I think he did.
TAMI: [seductive] Did I do that?
CREW: [cracking up]
JEREMY: Sexy Urkel!
ALDEN: It’s Stefan Urkel!