510: The Pest of Both Worlds, Pt. 1
While the crew constructs a machine that can hopefully get them home, the RSS Synergy receives visitors. Bargie sets the stage. AJ jacks in. And don’t worry, Pleck has his wood saber.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 reminding you that our first live show in almost two years is coming up on October 3rd at the Bell House in Brooklyn. And now we're live streaming it so you can watch it from anywhere in the galaxy. Tickets and more info at missiontozyxx.space. And if you're in the New York area for the live show, come meet like-minded Zyxx fans at ZyxxCon 2021, a Zyxx fan meetup event organized by the Zyxx Fan Cast, complete with trivia, cosplay, a talent show, a panel featuring the cast, and more. Tickets at bit.ly/ZyxxCon.
[Music begins playing]
SYROCK: Captain's log, start time 8.34115. The Synergy has been tasked with a recon mission after receiving a distress signal from the Gusano sector. However upon arrival we found no ships at these coordinates. Highly unusual. Highly unusual.
[captain's log and music end]
HENDRIXX: Dr. Tee-Toh.
TEE-TOH: Yes, Lieutenant Hendrixx, yes.
HENDRIXX: I was wondering if you were going into the Reflactorium later. I have planned a few incredible simulations where we solve mysteries.
TEE-TOH: Oh, well, that does sound like fun, but- um, I have an appointment later this evening with my lab. In the future, I would love- I would love to.
HENDRIXX: Oh, yeah, sure, totally. Right. Yeah, no, I definitely will ask you again now that you've rejected me once.
SYROCK: Hendrixx, status report.
HENDRIXX: Ah, sir, no communication pings.
SYROCK: DaKaypir.
DAKAYPIR: All the missiles are ready to fire for when we come across the bad boys.
SYROCK: And yet, no boys, bad or otherwise.
PHANTA: I take exception to that, sir.
SYROCK: My apologies, Ensign Phanta. I forgot you were here on the bridge. Tell me, is there anything on the long-range sensors?
PHANTA: Negative, sir. If I didn't know any better, I'd think maybe this was sort of a trap.
O’DOOL: Hahaha, you're green as a salad.
PHANTA: Thank you, Lieutenant O'Dool.
HENDRIXX: You don't have to thank him for that.
PHANTA: Well, I'm only fourteen.
TEE-TOH: Speaking of, though, has everyone had their salad supplement today? Um, I don't mean to be a nag, it's just that I think that everyone should be taking their vitamins.
PHANTA: Dr. Tee-Toh, doesn't everything that comes out of the replicator have the exact same nutritional value?
TEE-TOH: [nervous] Haha, an excellent question. If you'd just come a little closer so we could talk about this.
PHANTA: Oh, uh, sure.
TEE-TOH: What are you trying to do?
PHANTA: Ow! Oh, my ear!
TEE-TOH: You're trying to get me fired?
PHANTA: No, I just, I...
TEE-TOH: What is a doctor supposed to do on a ship where everyone's needs are met and no one gets sick?
PHANTA: Oww!
TEE-TOH: Keep it down!
SYROCK: Well, if there's no one here, I'll be in my ready room. Number one, you have command.
PHANTA: Hold on a second. Look at this! Three enormous objects heading our way!
SYROCK: What in the galaxy? I want analysis.
DAKAYPIR: There. O'Dool, why aren't you on this? What's the new purpose?
O’DOOL: I don't say much till we're hit. Status quo, Captain. Warp core at a hundred percent.
SYROCK: Excellent, O'Dool. I suppose we'll know soon enough if they're a friend or foe.
HENDRIXX: What? Actually, Captain, there's now… a hail, we're receiving a hail from one of the ships.
SYROCK: On screen.
[transmission begins]
GROWER MIND: Captain Syrock. It is nice to see you again.
K’HEKK: We are the K'hekk, we are the K'hekk, we are the K'hekk!
[synthy version of the intro music]
SYROCK NARRATING: Space. The last place you can go. These are the chronicles of the RSS Synergy. A perpetual quest to optimize workflows, maximize our own productivity, to support one another's mental health and well-being, and above all, bring Themm anywhere they'd like to go.
[intro ends]
[Alarm blaring: yellow alert, yellow alert]
GROWER MIND: All bow before the undying will of the Grower Mind.
SYROCK: Impossible. I myself strangled the last K’hekk in the known galaxy on the surface of Tarsax IV.
GROWER MIND: And yet, here we are, Captain. And in this scenario, we have the upper egg sac.
SYROCK: This is a hoax, a deception on your behalf. There's no way you could have rebuilt your swarm.
GROWER MIND: No hoax, Captain. This is a perfectly executed trap.
SYROCK: The hallmark of the K’hekk.
GROWER MIND: I've been tracking the high-energy technology you've been developing, and it must come under the will of the swarm.
SYROCK: I don't know what you're talking about, Grower Mind, but I think you're a bit confused.
O’DOOL: Is there anything high-energy O’Dool wouldn't- Okay, I see. It's those... castaways.
SYROCK: O’Dool, explain.
O’DOOL: [with a heavy accent] I gave 'em permission to build something for their ship. I didn't know it would involve so many quantum reactors.
SYROCK: Quantum what?
O’DOOL: Reactors.
SYROCK: What did you say? What was O’Dool, I'm losing you completely, O’Dool.
O’DOOL: Reeeeactors. Anyway, I don't know how it works, but they say they've discovered the key to instantaneous intergalactic travel.
GROWER MIND: What?
O’DOOL: I'm- I'm-
GROWER MIND: The key to instantaneous intergalactic travel is the apex goal of our evolutionary path.
K’HEKK: We are the K'hekk, we are the K'hekk, we are the K'hekk!
O’DOOL: Ohh, toot.
[transition noise]
C-53: All right, AJ. Let's go ahead and fire up that final reactor.
AJ: You got it, my main squish.
C-53: What is- what?
AJ: Firing up the reactor.
C-53: Okay, I don’t- I'm not loving that.
PLECK: Whoa, cool! You know, Nermut, I gotta hand it to you. When that engineer said they had figured out a way to get us back home, I thought it was gonna be really complicated, but they made it very simple.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: They gave us the recipe to plug into the replicator so we could print out all the parts of it ourselves. This is incredible.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: It's also just really kind of beautiful, right? Like, those two interlocking metallic rings that kind of form a portal that Bargie's gonna fly through. And this adorable manual that they gave us. It's like all pictures with this little cartoon guy.
AJ: They kept looking at me and saying that the instructions were idiot-proof. Over and over.
C-53: Yeah, they made a lot of direct eye contact with you.
AJ: Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, I'm rocking two Allen wrenches so I'm able to really go.
PLECK: Yeah, wow, AJ.
AJ: Screwing 'em in.
PLECK: Ambidextrous.
AJ: Screwing them in. One thing I wanted to mention, they have this giant thing that if we need to attach it to a wall, it won't tip over.
PLECK: I don't think we're gonna- no, I don't think we're gonna need to do that.
AJ: We don’t need it? No, because the instructions, you can see there's a little kid and it has the whole gate falling onto the kid. And it's like X-ed out.
PLECK: We'll just make sure we won't let Horsehat try to climb on it.
C-53: Wow, that's really graphic.
AJ: Yeah, it's pretty- But it's, I mean, very clear.
SEESU: Nermut, we're here. Nermut, hi.
HARK: Reporting in.
SEESU: Yes, hello. It's Seesu Gundu, hello.
NERMUT: Hey. I told the others to come, you know, many Allen wrenches, light work.
SEESU: Well, we got the letter, your tiny little letter that said, "Please help me."
AJ: Hey, Seesu, look at me. I'm putting them together and I just have to hit it once with a hammer and it's secure. Pretty cool.
SEESU: Yes, good job.
NERMUT: We've turned on the reactors and the test charge is going well.
PLECK: Yeah, we just need to plug these nine reactors into the ring when we finish building that and then we're good to go. Bargie flies through it and we're back home.
SEESU: All right, Seesu's crew, we're going on the other side.
PLECK: Seesu's crew?
SEESU: Frankenfurter, Jushirn.
FRANK: Yeah!
SEESU: Jushirn.
PLECK: Who's Jushirn?
JUSHIRN: Oh, hello. It is me, Jushirn. I have joined.
PLECK: Wait, is Jushirn- Jushirn’s coming back to Zyxx with us?
ROLPHUS: He's part of Seesu's crew.
NERMUT: There's not a single person who thought there weren't enough people on the ship.
SEESU: Jushirn has been through a lot with us, Isn't that right, Jushirn?
JUSHIRN 2: I'm sorry, which Jushirn are you referring to?
PLECK: There's two Jushirns?
SEESU: That's Jushirn and that's Jushirn.
AJ: Hey, Papa, you want me to kill these guys?
PLECK: Yeah, no, I don't think we can do that.
SEESU: Zalky, are you coming?
PLECK: Oh, hey, Zalcatron.
CENTURION: Hey, sorry we're late, guys. We were making out.
PLECK: Oh, no. Centurion!
CENTURION: We were necking.
PLECK: Ughh.
NERMUT: One thing I know Zalcatron doesn't have is a neck.
ZALCATRON: Don't hate us, 'cause you aint us.
PLECK: Centurion, where's Justin?
CENTURION: He's coming. He's just like, he's trying to get with Phanta.
PLECK: Who's Phanta?
CENTURION: It's weird, they let like a teenager fly the ship.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: What?
CENTURION: He like gets to fire weapons and stuff.
PLECK: Oh, that sounds pretty cool.
CENTURION: It's pretty cool, yeah.
HORSEHAT: I want to fly a ship too.
DAR: Horsehat, no, do not get any ideas.
HORSEHAT: Let me try.
AJ: Hey, look at us guys. We're all together. Everything's going well. If you ask me, it seems like nothing bad is ever going to happen again.
PLECK: [exasperated] AJ, why would you say that?
C-53: AJ.
DAR: Why?
AJ: What? What's wrong with saying that you don't think literally nothing else bad will happen?
[alarm behind blaring again: yellow alert, yellow alert]
AJ: That's probably a good alert, right? Like something good's happened.
C-53: Yeah, you know all those good alarms you've heard in your life?
[transition noise]
DAKAYPIR: Captain, do you want me to destroy this nasty little bug?
GROWER MIND: If you fire on our assimilated ships, we will send beatles filled with explosive gas into your hull.
TEE-TOH: Oh, I have a supplement for that.
SYROCK: Hold for now, DaKaypir. Wait.
DAKAYPIR: Okay.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, you have a supplement for poison gas?
TEE-TOH: Oh, I'm sorry. He just said gas, and I do have some-
PHANTA: Keep up, Dr. Tee-Toh.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, it is not the time.
[Dr. Tee-Toh grabs Phanta again]
PHANTA: Oh, my ear, my other ear.
TEE-TOH: Listen, there's very little that I can do here, and you know, when I find where I'm useful, I've got to just jump at it.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, unfortunately, I think we'll have more than enough use for your services should we engage with the K’hekk.
PHANTA: Captain, dozens of small ships are heading our way.
GROWER MIND: My children are strategically surrounding you and preventing your escape.
SYROCK: DaKaypir. I'm going to need you to fire all missiles immediately.
DAKAYPIR: Getting ready to fire all of the missiles.
O’DOOL: We've been ready.
PHANTA: I thought they were ready already.
SYROCK: You just told me the missiles were ready to go.
DAKAYPIR: It takes time, they’re very slow.
SYROCK: Oh, DaKaypir.
PHANTA: What's that crank?
SYROCK: Are you hand-loading the missiles into the tubes?
DAKAYPIR: Give me like a sweet five minutes, okay? Distract them.
SYROCK: DaKaypir, that might work on the Ignari homeworld, but we're on the bridge of the RSS Synergy. Ensign Phanta, proton separators.
PHANTA: I've got a lock, sir.
SYROCK: Fire at will.
PHANTA: Firing now.
GROWER MIND: You have guaranteed that your assimilation will be incredibly painful. O’DOOL: Oh, great.
HENDRIXX: Why do we let the kid fire? Does no one...
PHANTA: I'm very precocious, sir.
SYROCK: Hendrixx, he delivered a direct hit. What's your issue?
HENDRIXX: It just feels wrong.
O’DOOL: DaKaypir's dragging a missile across the bridge here.
DAKAYPIR: Oh, just give me two more minutes. Just hold on.
SYROCK: Ensign Phanta. Another salvo of proton separator beams.
PHANTA: Hold on. I just gotta take these two vitamins real quick. Down the hatch.
SYROCK: Oh, right now?
TEE-TOH: This seems important right now, obviously.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, there's no one manning the proton separator.
HENDRIXX: I can do it. If a kid can do it, I can do it. Or O’Dool can do it. I don't know why the kid has to do it.
DAKAYPIR: Is this a bad time to mention that the missiles are just shells of the missiles, but there are no missiles inside? Is it bad?
SYROCK: DaKaypir, you are really honestly letting me down today, in a big way. And I don't want to make it a species thing, but the Ignari, they're just...
DAKAYPIR: Ohhhh!
O’DOOL: Oh, shots fired! Shots fired!
SYROCK: Your attention to detail...
PHANTA: Shots fired! Shots fired!
HENDRIXX: There's actually... Oh,
SYROCK: Brace for impact.
[all shout]
GROWER MIND: My children have started boarding your ship.
SYROCK: Hendrixx, red alert. And pray for every member of the crew of the RSS Synergy.
HENDRIXX: Do I pray first, or hit the...
SYROCK: Red alert first.
HENDRIXX: Okay, okay.
SYROCK: Hendrixx.
HENDRIXX: Yes, sir.
SYROCK: Don't be excited about it.
HENDRIXX: Oh, well, you know, I…
O’DOOL: That's 44 through 49 breached.
PHANTA: Oh, no! Dr. Tee-Toh, you should probably get to sickbay. What are you doing on the bridge?
TEE-TOH: Well, it's just... Why are you calling me out for now, kid?
PHANTA: Ow! My third ear! Ow!
DAKAYPIR: Captain, Phanta keeps checking their DMs.
PHANTA: I'm sorry, sir. It's Justin.
SYROCK: All right, enough, everyone. We've got one chance to save the Synergy. And the only way we'll achieve it is to work together. Hendrixx, status reports.
HENDRIXX: There's a massive infestation, and we're receiving another communication from the K’hekk.
SYROCK: Go ahead.
GROWER MIND: This is your final opportunity to come willingly into the swarm. Also, I'm igniting the beatles now.
SYROCK: DaKaypir, where are your security teams at?
DAKAYPIR: Oh, sorry. I got a DM from Justin.
SYROCK: Who is Justin? I've never met this person.
HENDRIXX: [annoyed] It's another boy.
DAKAYPIR: Captain, I only have bad news to give you. But I'm ready to fight extra hard against the bad boys.
SYROCK: I really lost the second half of that line- to your accent. Dakaypir.
[transition noise]
PLECK: Uh, should we be worried about that klaxon? It sounds sort of serious.
C-53: Listen, Pleck, whatever's going wrong on the ship, it's in everybody's best interest for us to finish this device and get out of here.
PLECK: Yeah, you're probably right.
HORSEHAT: Hey, Dada.
NERMUT: Oh, Horsehat, let me actually show you how that works. You're doing such a good-
DAR: Oh, no, no. Let them go. They're in a real independent phase right now.
HORSEHAT: I can do it all by myself.
NERMUT: No, I mean, I just think they probably want to know the correct way to turn that wrench.
AJ: Horsehat's built like half of this thing.
HORSEHAT: I can build it.
DAR: They know what they're doing.
NERMUT: Oh, so do I.
[Nermut screws something and gets electrocuted]
HORSEHAT: Oh, no.
DAR: Did you just electrocute yourself again?
NERMUT: It makes the plume-plome stand up.
AJ: Is that your penis?
NERMUT: That's my num-num, dum-dum.
AJ: Oh, okay. I can never remember.
DAR: I don't think you have to remember that.
C-53: Hey, AJ, it's probably for the best you don't.
[ad break begins]
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DEEV: ioaudiotech.com/zyxx?
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DEEV: I'm ready when you are.
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RADIO CHIME: It's Greeflax!
[ad break ends]
K’HEKK: We are the K’hekk, we are the K’hekk, we are the K’hekk!
O’DOOL: Captain Syrock.
SYROCK: Yes?
O’DOOL: The Beatles have begun exploding. It's a phenomenon. The Beatles have taken the ship by storm.
SYROCK: O’Dool, I won't submit to this Beatlemania.
O’DOOL: They're blowing up. They're blowing up huge.
SYROCK: Bridge crew, get to your environment.
PHANTA: I've got a feeling, a bad one!
SYROCK: Phanta, just repeat to yourself, "I feel fine, I feel fine.”
PHANTA: I feel fine.
SYROCK: Okay?
PHANTA: I'm in love with Justin and I feel fine.
SYROCK: Very good. Bridge crew, get to your environmental suits. We may experience a rapid decompression of the synergy.
[DeKaypir groans]
SYROCK: DaKaypir, my friend, save your rage for when we meet the Weavers face to face.
PHANTA: Captain, someone's pounding at the door of the bridge.
[K’hekk bang on the doors]
SYROCK: Get back! Get back to where you once belonged, across the universe.
GROWER MIND: We'll meet future children. Prepare for assimilation.
DAKAYPIR: They're going right over us.
SYROCK: Good luck assimilating.
HENDRIXX: My phaser's not working, sir.
GROWER MIND: Our perfect evolution has befallen to resist your pitiful weapons.
PHANTA: Oh, no.
DAKAYPIR: They're going inside of us.
SYROCK: O’Dool, it's time. Begin the evacuation of the civilians to the star drive section of the RSS Synergy and begin saucer separation.
O’DOOL: Aye, Captain. I shall make it so. Ensigns, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for. It’s what I told you about, we’re separating the saucer.
HENDRIXX: Captain, permission to be assimilated?
SYROCK: Permission not granted, Lieutenant Hendrixx. Resist. Resist those K’hekk.
[Syrock slaps Hendrixx around]
GROWER MIND: Resistance is very ineffective against the K’hekk.
SYROCK: Hendrixx, open a channel. I need to address the Synergy.
HENDRIXX: Opening all ship channels, sir. Crew of the RSS Synergy, we are being boarded by the K’hekk.
DAKAYPIR: We know.
HENDRIXX: No, it's with everyone else.
SYROCK: I'm not talking to you. You're here on the bridge with me.
DAKAYPIR: Oh, sorry.
SYROCK: Do what you can. Evacuate the ship. Get into environmental suits so that your life isn't forfeit to the swarm. I know we've taken them on before and won, but we're alone in deep space and they might have the upper hand. Send warning to your friends and family. I don't think we can win this one. Captain Syrock out...
PHANTA: My eye!
[transition noise]
PLECK: Did- did he just say the K’hekk?
HORSEHAT: Oh no!
C-53: The ship's being boarded by the Grower Mind? Are you kidding me?
NERMUT: Maybe there's more than one.
DAR: More than one? There's always been more than one.
PLECK: There's trillions.
C-53: Yeah, that's sort of the whole point.
PLECK: How many are there? The K’hekk are even in this galaxy. Guys, listen, we've gotten the K’hekk to stand down once before. We just need to get Bargie here. Bargie can talk him down. That's all we need to do.
AJ: Uh, guys? Bargie's in a full dress cue to cue right now.
PLECK: No, but... AJ!
DAR: This is important!
C-53: For what?
AJ: They're setting lights. That's important too.
PLECK: AJ, the captain of the Synergy just died! Bargie, Bargie. Pleck to Bargie.
BARGIE: Hey, I'm in the middle of a full dress cue to cue.
PLECK: Yeah, well, Bargie, it doesn't matter.
BARGIE: It's very important.
PLECK: Yeah, but Bargie, you need to get here right now.
BARGIE: I'm a director now.
PLECK: I know, Bargie, I understand.
BARGIE: And you have to leave a message after the tone.
PLECK: Shit.
DAR: I should have seen that coming.
PLECK: Bargie, it's Pleck. You have to get back to the docking bay right now.
BARGIE: Pleck, Is that you?
PLECK: Oh, oh.
BARGIE: If it is, Bargie, ain’t here. Bada-bing-boom-bop!
PLECK: Okay, alright.
NERMUT: Wow.
GROWER MIND: Attention all future children on the ship. This is representative of the Grower Mind.
PLECK: You still think it's a different guy, maybe, than...
NERMUT: No, it's... that's the guy we know. That's him.
GROWER MIND: All of your ship's officers have been assimilated or killed. Your escape is impossible. Your weapons are useless. Resistance is ineffective. And we offer you peace, a release from death, a world with no pain.
AJ: That's not a world I want to live in.
GROWER MIND: My children, I sense the technology is nearby. Seek out its energy source and report it back to me in strategic fashion.
K’HEKK: Yes!
JUSTIN: Hey, sorry guys, am I late?
PLECK: Justin, get in here! What are you doing? Where have you been?
JUSTIN: Hey, buds. Hey, crew. Hey, best friend. Hey, OG team.
CENTURION: Hey, Justin.
PLECK: Justin, open up that box, unpack it all, and start building. We have to get this thing finished before...
JUSTIN: What?
PLECK: We have to get this thing finished before this ship explodes.
JUSTIN: I don't want to work!
PLECK: Uh...
[transition noise]
K’HEKK: Weavers, form a perimeter and slowly search for the technology.
WEAVERS: Yes!
K’HEKK: Royal drones, use your scent glands to figure out where the technology resides.
DRONES: Yes!
K’HEKK: Soldiers, plow through everything that you need to in order to find the technology.
SOLDIERS: Yes!
GROWER MIND: Carry extra crystals to the drones to upgrade their scent glands.
K’HEKK: Hurry! Formation! You know nothing of technology. Form a perimeter outside the weavers.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, please don't punish yourself. You're up against one of the deadliest foes in the galaxy of the K’hekk. Even a man of medicine like yourself is likely to crack under such a strain.
TEE-TOH: But that's just the thing, Captain. I'm not a man of medicine. I'm a man of arts and letters.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, I've seen you treat people aboard the Synergy. Don't be ridiculous.
TEE-TOH: I am a doctor. I earned that title. But I am no doctor. It's so easy to treat people now, of course, with technology. I just take a little gadget and I put it on the wound or the bump or the bruise and there you go. Fixed.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, what are you saying?
TEE-TOH: I've just been haunted by the specter of my uselessness. And here, on this day, it couldn't be more evident than the mustache under your nose.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh- Dr. Tee-Toh, you're going space mad. Get a hold of yourself.
TEE-TOH: You get a hold of yourself.
SYROCK: Ow! Dr. Tee-Toh, my face!
TEE-TOH: And you listen here. If you know anyone hiring a librarian, I have a doctorate.
SYROCK: Listen, Dr. Tee-Toh, I don't care what your doctorate is in. All I need is for you to kill some of these K'hekk before they take over the ship. Do you understand me?
TEE-TOH: You- you need me? You need me?
SYROCK: That's right, Dr. Tee-Toh. I need a doctor who's willing to dispense a little bad medicine if you catch my drift.
TEE-TOH: Well, I really shouldn't dispense any medicine. I've just told people to take pride in-
SYROCK: It's a metaphor, Tee-Toh! Please! Let me! Let me!
TEE-TOH: Woah!
GROWER MIND: We were attracted to an incredibly stupid conversation.
[transition noise]
AJ: Okay, crew. Bargie's dress rehearsal is on the other side of the ship. And if that K'hekk's announcement is accurate, our phaser things don't work. But you know what does work? An EX-39 laser carbine. And I got one and a half of 'em.
PLECK/NERMUT/C-53: One and a half?
NERMUT: Don't think about it too much.
C-53: Okay, yeah.
PLECK: It's been there the whole time? It's been out of charges for like six months.
AJ: So? You still have to keep it there.
PLECK: You also had a butt phaser up there for a while.
DAR: Guess I didn't realize how much I miss seeing you do that.
PLECK: AJ, we can't use these guns. They don't have any charge anymore.
AJ: Well, that's why I'm going to plug them into the quantum reactor.
PLECK: What? AJ, you can't do that! That's a totally different kind of-
HORSEHAT: Don't do that!
C-53: You can't just mix energy.
AJ: Well, I mean, the plugs lineup, so-
PLECK: That's not a reason to do something.
C-53: That’s going to be a very bad-
[phaser powers up and shoots]
PLECK: Whoa!
DAR: Again. Again.
C-53: That really shouldn't have worked.
PLECK: Cool!
DAR: Again. Again.
HORSEHAT: I wanna try.
AJ: All right. Strapping it on my back. I'm taking the big one. Little squish man, you take the other one. Ooh. Is the- is the metal supposed to tingle like this?
PLECK: Is your armor rated for quantum radiation? Cause, this is..
AJ: Probably not.
NERMUT: Does his skull always strobe like that?
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: I definitely have not noticed that before.
PLECK: AJ, when you shot that gun, I saw all of your bones.
AJ: Everybody get ready!
NERMUT: All right.
C-53: Wow, I can't- I can’t believe I'm saying this, but... Lock and load.
AJ: Yeah!
PLECK: Yeah, C-53!
AJ: Yeah!
PLECK: All right.
NERMUT: Nice.
DAR: Wow, Mr. Squishy Man, you nailed that one.
C-53: Why are we going with that? It's C-53.
PHANTA: Hi, everyone. Ensign Phanta here to come down to get the supplies.
PLECK: Oh, Ensign Phanta.
PHANTA: I'm a member of this crew. Very normal.
PLECK: Justin, is this the Ensign-
CENTURION: Yeah, who is this?
DAR: Is this your new boy toy?
ZALCATRON: Yeah, his voice is super annoying.
JUSTIN: We've only been DMing, so it's been mainly virtual.
CENTURION: Wait, is this your first ass dead contact with him?
JUSTIN: Why? Are you jealous, Centurion?
CENTURION: No, I'm not jealous!
NERMUT: Guys, Ensign Phanta survived the attack on the bridge. Ensign Phanta, what happened?
PLECK: What happened up there?
PHANTA: I have normal working organs and a nervous system.
C-53: Hmm
PLECK: Wait a minute.
PHANTA: Just like you!
PLECK: That can't be right. Justin, has he ever said that to you?
JUSTIN: No, but it's like honestly a very vulnerable thing to say. It's kind of hot.
CENTURION: I have a nervous system too, whatever.
JUSTIN: You moved on so fast.
PHANTA: I feel compelled to bring you to the bridge for some extra orders.
AJ: Extra orders?
PLECK: Extra orders?
AJ: I love extra orders.
PHANTA: Extra orders!
NERMUT: Guys, we can see the bridge of the synergy.
[ C-53 shoots Phanta]
DAR: whoa! C!
PLECK: C-53!
DAR: Whoa!
AJ: Headshot! Yes Mr. Squish Man!
C-53: Yeah.
JUSTIN: What? Why did you do that? He's the love of my life!
C-53: Okay, well the love of your life's got a lot of bugs crawling out of his face.
JUSTIN: Aren’t we all in a way bugs? Oh shit. Oh, Juck. Oh, toot.
C-53: I'm just saying, we all need to- This feels so strange. Keep our heads on a swivel because K’hekk could be-
AJ: That's true, that's true!
PLECK: Wow! C-53!
DAR: Wow!
PLECK: All right.
JUSTIN: I'll always love you!
CENTURION: Whatever.
DAR: Oh, Justin, please don't try to kiss-
[kissing sounds]
DAR: No please, oh-
C-53: Justin. Oh, Justin, no!
PLECK: Justin, what are you doing? There's actively bugs crawling out of that corpse.
NERMUT: The corpse is shaking.
GROWER MIND: Bow before the undying will of the Grower Mind.
PLECK: Urgh. Okay.
AJ: Okay, right, right, right, right.
GROWER MIND: You have managed to see past my nearly perfect ruse.
PLECK: Grower Mind, we know you, okay? Remember us? We're the- we’re the crew of the Bargarean Jade.
GROWER MIND: The Bargarean Jade?
PLECK: Yes, yes.
GROWER MIND: That is impossible. She's millions of light years away.
PLECK: No, no, no, no.
DAR: Is that how far away we are?
PLECK: We got transported here through some sort of intergalactic rift. Bargie’s here. She's on the ship.
GROWER MIND: The Bargarean Jade is here?
PLECK: Yes. I'm Pleck. This is AJ, C-53.
JUSTIN: Justin.
PLECK: Nermut and-
GROWER MIND: I've never met you before ever.
NERMUT: Come on. Come on.
GROWER MIND: Well, Justin, you do, I recognize you. You look a little familiar.
PLECK: What?
C-53: Oh, come on.
PLECK: No, Grower Mind, look-
DAR: You and I shared a very special evening.
PLECK: Yeah, you and Dar hooked up.
GROWER MIND: I'm sorry, both of you look exactly alike.
PLECK: Me and Dar?
GROWER MIND: Yes.
DAR: Or me and Justin?
GROWER MIND: No, I know Justin,
JUSTIN: What.. no.
GROWER MIND: But then you and you, you and you looking exactly alike.
PLECK: How do you know- How do you know Justin?
GROWER MIND: No matter, you will all be assimilated.
PLECK: Guys, we have to get Bargie. She's the only one who can stop this.
GROWER MIND: We've been tracking this energy source across long distances, and we are prepared to assimilate it.
NERMUT: Wait, just to be clear, you mean the device we're building?
GROWER MIND: Correct. Now that I've found it, I'm releasing pheromones to draw all of my children to this location.
[all groan as the Grower Mind releases his.. butt pheromones]
NERMUT: Do they come out- Do they come out of your butt? That smells like a butt pheromone.
GROWER MIND: It's a mixture of fecal matter and more fecal matter.
NERMUT: How is that a mixture?
AJ: That's just a fart.
C-53: Yeah, that's not a mixture. That's just pure fecal matter.
NERMUT: Just a fart.
JUSTIN: Quick questioned here, so like was everything, like everything we talked about, was that like a lie to you?
PLECK: Justin..
NERMUT: Justin.
C-53: Justin.
PLECK: Justin, that is the K’hekk. That is the Grower Mind.
NERMUT: That is the Grower Mind
PLECK: Those are K’hekk.
JUSTIN: Exactly.
PLECK: I hate to tell you this, Justin-
JUSTIN: They turn into a Grower Mind.
PLECK: -but Ensign Phanta was killed by the Grower Mind.
JUSTIN: Yes. It's called narcissism.
PLECK: Okay. Okay.
GROWER MIND: If it is any solace, I do know Ensign Phanta's memories and do share a small kinship with you-
CENTURION: No!
GROWER MIND: If you would like to willingly–
CENTURION: No!
[Centurion shoots the Grower Mind]
JUSTIN: Whoa. Centurion!
PLECK: Centurion!
DAR: Oh, we were just about to learn his rich backstory.
HORSEHAT: Yeah.
C-53: All right, crew. Dar, AJ, you're with me. We've got to go get Bargie in Hangar 27.
PLECK: I'm coming too.
AJ: Eooww, boy.
C-53: Uh, look, Pleck, we only have the two guns and Dar's strong enough to go hand to hand, but–
PLECK: I don't need a gun. I have my wood saber.
DAR: Ugh, it's a broomstick, Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah, it was a broomstick and now it's a wood saber. I'm a Zima Knight, okay? I'm coming with you guys.
C-53: All right, fine, Pleck, you're with us. Nerm, I need you to manage the construction of this device. It's got to be up and running by the time we get back.
NERMUT: Management, yes, the most important part of fighting the K’hekk.
C-53: ..Okay. Hark, Rolphus and Seesu?
SEESU: Yes.
C-53: You're rebels again, okay?
HARK: All right.
C-53: Guard the others with your lives.
ROLPHUS: Oh, sounds good.
HARK: You better believe I will.
SEESU: Keep it tight.
AJ: Wow. Great speech, C-53.
C-53: Uh, yeah, okay.
PLECK: Yeah!
AJ: Yeah!
NERMUT: Did AJ say C-53?
AJ: Yeah. That's who he is.
C-53: Why now? For years I've asked you to do that.
AJ: I don't know, it felt like a good time. We're about to maybe die.
PLECK: That's been true so many times.
C-53: Wow, okay. Yeah.
[ad break begins]
TILDA: And thus concludes our tour of the Synergies.
OOPMH: Thank you so much for allowing us to show you around.
TOURIST: Finally, now I've got to hide from these weird bug creatures.
TILDA: Good idea.
OOPMH: Yes, they appear to be marauding this fine ground they call a starship.
[tourist gets killed]
TILDA/OOPMH: Oh, no.
TILDA: If only we were programmed with hand-to-hand combat.
OOPMH: Or empathy.
TILDA: We might have tried to intervene.
OOPMH: But alas, he did not escape.
TILDA: Escapes are so hard to combat these days, are they not, mm?
OOPMH: You're so right, Tilda. That is why I am so glad our programming allows us to enjoy Dipsea.
TILDA: Ah, yes, Dipsea. The escape we all need aside from a literal escape from these terrifying monsters.
OOPMH: Yes.
TILDA: An escape to a world where good things happen and pleasure is the only priority.
OOPMH: Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.
TILDA: I am made of light, so you might say I am always turned on, but not like this.
OOPMH: We are learning so much about figurative versus literal language today, Tilda.
TILDA: And unlike our tour, which has remained unchanged since the installation of the new toilets on Deck 17, Dipsea releases new content every week, so there is always something new to explore.
OOPMH: And if what you're into is drifting off into a sensual slumber, Dipsea also has bedtime stories and soundscapes to relax you.
TILDA: Get this, Oomph, for crew members who have taken our tour, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to Dipseastories.com/zyxx.
OOPMH: Too bad most crew members are now bugs, oh, ma. Because that's 30 days of full access for free when you go to dipseastories.com/zyxx.
TILDA: dipseastories.com/zyxx.
[transition music]
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, if we don't make it out of this situation, let me say it's an honor to die by the side of one of my most trustworthy crew members, regardless of what your doctorate may be in.
DR TEE-TOH: I was the most trustworthy? I've been lying to you all this time.
SYROCK: I did say one of the most trustworthy, I want to be clear about that.
DR TEE-TOH: Oh, boy, I just uh- Maybe this is a time for self-reflection upon you, Captain. Really ask yourself, where did you go wrong, you know?
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh, you've really.. You’ve really put me on my ass here. I thought this was going to be a heart-to-heart sort of moment before we both died of being assimilated by a bug creature, but…
[phone rings]
SYROCK: Wait, wait! It's O'Dool. O'Dool, I could use some good news right about now.
O’DOOL: I got the best news. All many thousands of civilians are safe here on the warp drive, we're flying through space.
SYROCK: Oh.
O’DOOL: That makes me feel great.
SYROCK: Huh. A relief, O'Dool, that we managed to save the fine civilians of RSS Synergy.
[party sounds come from the phone]
O’DOOL: Absolutely. There's revelry, sir.
SYROCK: Everyone's partying down there? It feels a little disrespectful.
O’DOOL: Bummer. No, I mean, it's not like a big party. Keep it down!
SYROCK: I can hear a lot of background noise.
O’DOOL: Yeah, there's a band. There's a band.
SYROCK: There's a band?
O’DOOL: And a rapper.
SYROCK: You're calling- you’re calling a party with a band and a rapper a small party?
O’DOOL: I mean, it's... I was lying.
SYROCK: Yeah, yes. Yeah.
DR TEE-TOH: See, what I say, everybody lies to you.
SYROCK: That's... you're picking the worst times. I don't... it just feels like you're really twisting the knife here.
O’DOOL: Well, anyway, limbo's a-startin'.
SYROCK: Limbo?
O’DOOL: I... you know, the stick you try to get under it?
SYROCK: I'm familiar with the game, O'Dool.
O’DOOL: Oh, my back's not familiar with it, that's the problem.
[transition noise]
PLECK: It seems really quiet down here. This whole hallway is just...
DAR: Too quiet.
AJ: I was thinking...
C-53: Well, look, those weavers are sort of consumed with breaking down pieces of the synergy. Maybe they just won't pay attention to us and we can just move right by them.
PLECK: I don't know, let's just...
GROWER MIND: All right, children, here they are. Seize them!
[the crew all shout as they fight the weavers]
AJ: Oh, hey, C, how does it feel to have, like, guts on you?
C-53: Rodd, not great. Yeah, they really splatter, and is the K'hekk blood burning my skin a little bit?
AJ: Yeah, yeah. ClintSync, we- we got dropped down into a K'hekk swarm one time. We were in the middle of "There's No One Else Like Me" and we were doing, like, a...
GROWER MIND: My children, here they are.
[the k’hekk appear and the crew shoot them]
C-53: Rodd!
PLECK: Quick, guys, through here, this way! Oh, wow, there are even more in here.
AJ: Whoa, this is a... official swarm.
C-53: We went from bad to worse.
PLECK: All right, guys, I'm going in with the wood saber, cover me.
DAR: No, no, no, no, Pleck, stay to the center of us, we'll protect you.
PLECK: Okay, well, it's backwards, too, but... okay.
[the crew fight off the K’hekk]
GROWER MIND: My children, why do you fight us? For we are the plural life, the consciousness of trillions and trillions of life forms across all the universe. We live in the planet of the cosmos, the cosmos is a space, and to take this work, we need to show we are better.
PLECK: There is nothing we can do to stop this exposition!
C-53: It's just...
PLECK: It's just- the monologue just keeps going!
C-53: Yeah, it's pretty redundant, a lot of it. It's like, we get it.
DAR: Obviously, the logic is a little flawed because we're murdering.
C-53: Yeah, I mean, peace seems disingenuous when I'm literally watching you eat a crew member.
AJ: Why are we talking right now?
[they run to a new room]
AJ: Okay, this is a hallway with pillars. It's one of my favorite things to run down and shoot.
PLECK: Wait, you shoot the pillars?
AJ: No, Papa, don't embarrass yourself. Okay, here's what I need you guys to do. What we're going to do is, what you do is you kind of like run down and you take both guns and you put them and you're just like, "Ahh!"
PLECK: Why do you turn them to the side like that?
AJ: You gotta turn them to the side, it's just cooler. And you just like run down and you cartwheel.
C-53: Well, if you're running down the hallway with pillars, aren't the pillars going to block some of your shots?
AJ: No, but then you time it so that it hits, you know, in between the pillars.
PLECK: AJ, there's no K'hekk in this room.
C-53: You gotta tell us to time it before we do this run.
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, also, there's no K'hekk in this room. Why would we shoot?
AJ: Oh. Well, can we just do it anyway?
PLECK: You want to shoot these, this empty room full of pillars.
AJ: Yeah, do you guys want to like... Hey, K'hekk!
[the K’hekk are alarmed]
K’HEKK: Weavers! Pursue as well.
PLECK: AJ, what are you doing? What are you doing?
AJ: You owe me, you owe me for this.
C-53: AJ, one’s got me by the neck!
AJ: Oh, I got it, sorry, no, you got it. Alright, okay, okay, there's a hole so we might as well do it now, I'm sorry!
WEAVER: Hide behind the pillars! He's shooting the pillars!
AJ: Dar's amazing at it.
[transition noise]
SYROCK: Listen, Dr. Tee-Toh, I've managed to clear a path to the secret escape pod at the bottom of the saucer. All I need is you to grit your teeth and make this perilous trip with me. Are you in?
K’HEKK: Hi, I'm Dr. Tee-Toh. What's your name?
SYROCK: Uh...
K’HEKK: Oh, it's my captain! I'm going to be the best doctor on this ship! I have organs, liquids, and minerals inside my body!
SYROCK: Curse you, Tee-Toh!
K’HEKK: Captain, I think as a medical procedure, we should have an open-mouth kiss!
SYROCK: Absolutely not, you K'hekk, son of a...
K’HEKK: Captain, we must open-mouth kiss!
SYROCK: No! I'll never...
[transition noise]
BARGIE: Alright, downstage left... No, no, no. My left.
DENISE: Okay, that's not usually how it goes.
BARGIE: Pretty sure this is how it goes.
DENISE: Okay.
BARGIE: Down... Alright, can you get the light, please? On the actor. Not on the floor. Nope. Denise, if you could say your line, please.
DENISE: It's... The light is right in my eyes.
BARGIE: I know. Okay, just say your line. Remember, you're playing the Bargarean Jade.
DENISE: Right. Aaagh.
BARGIE: Great, fantastic. Alright, Silvio?
AJ: Bargie!
PLECK: Bargie! We gotta go! The K’hekk are here! The Synergy's being destroyed! We have to go! You have to help us now!
BARGIE: What, I'm in the middle of a dress tech cue to cue.
AJ: Hey, could you- Stop work, everyone. Stop work.
BARGIE: Hey, hey, what? What's happening? What are you doing? My opening night is in three nights and none of these actors know exactly how to go on the stage.
K’HEKK: We are the K’hekk! We are the K’hekk! We are the K’hekk!
GROWER MIND: I followed you here, before the royal drones.
DENISE: I did know where I was going and then you changed the…
[K’hekk kill Denise]
BARGIE: Lost a good one. Well, hello, Grower Mind.
GROWER MIND: Before all of our very eyes, the Bargarean Jade. How is it that you are here and not where we thought you were?
K’HEKK: Oh, the Bargarean Jade! Weavers, begin fawning!
AJ: Wait, wait, hold on. Bargie and the Grower Mind know each other?
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, no, they have a real history. They used to date for a while.
DAR: The Grower Mind knows all of us, but apparently only remembers Bargie.
PLECK: And maybe Justin.
BARGIE: That's called negging. Well, Grower Mind, what is it you found me?
GROWER MIND: You are now red. This color pleases me.
BARGIE: Anyway, what is it that you need to say? Just say it so we can get it over with when we get back to opening night.
GROWER MIND: My children, cease your actions. There needs to be a moment between us and the Bargarean Jade.
K’HEKK: Bulls, stand down.
BULLS: Yes!
K’HEKK: Aurochs, just chill against the wall.
AUROCHS: Yes!
GROWER MIND: Soldiers, use green gas to upgrade your cercus.
SOLDIERS: Yes!
K’HEKK: Aurochs, you do not have the gear required to be upgraded yet.
AUROCHS: Yes!
GROWER MIND: It was my original intention to assimilate all living creatures on this ship, but now that the Bargarean Jade is here, my motivation has changed. I will stop this assimilation if you will come down to my home planet and see me face to face for the first time.
PLECK: Bargie, what?
GROWER MIND: Bargarean Jade, you must meet our son.
BARGIE: What?
AJ: Twist?
PLECK: WHAT!
C-53: Wow. Twist.
PLECK: That's a twist.
AJ: Now you got it.
NARRATOR: To be continued on the next Mission to Zyxx.
[outro music plays]
C-RED-IT5: This is C–RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter, Ensign Phanta, and Deev were played by Alden Ford. Lead Envoy C-53, Captain Syrock, Zalcatron 5000, Oomph, and Greeflax were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar, Dr. Tee-Toh, and Tilda were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Lt. DaKaypir, Seesu Gundu, and Justin Ballwheat were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy and Lt. O'Dool were played by Seth Lind. AJ, Lt. Hendrixx, Centurion Tiddle, and the K’hekk Swarm were played by Winston Noel. The Grower Mind of the K’hekk was played by special guest John Robert Wilson. He regularly performs with Thank You Robot in NYC and at the Chaos Boom Theater in Denver. Follow him on Twitter @JohnRobertWilso or @JR_PlaysGames. And featuring Shane O'Connell as Jushirn #2. This episode was edited by Alden Ford and Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design of the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the MaximumFun Network.
[ad break begins]
[Promo: Adventure Zone]
GRIFFIN: We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well that's another story entirely. In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek, what else? Fortune and glory. Dive into the Ethersea, the latest campaign from the Adventure Zone. Every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.
ANNABELLE: Hi, I'm Annabelle Gurwitch.
LAURA: And I'm Laura House.
ANNABELLE: And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories.
CALLER 1: My Tiny Victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke. LAURA: We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you but nobody else cares.
ANNABELLE: Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award?
LAURA: We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty Tiny Victories.
CALLER 2: My Tiny Victory is a tattoo that I added on to this past weekend.
ANNABELLE: Let's talk about it!
CALLER 3: My Victory is that I'm one year cancer free. But my Tiny Victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great.
ANNABELLE: So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories.
LAURA: It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun.
MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
[OUTTAKE]
TEE-TOH: My degree is more honorary also because obviously.
SYROCK: Oh, really?
TEE-TOH: Yes.
SYROCK: Dr. Tee-Toh.
ALDEN: Not even a real degree.
SYROCK: It's not even a real, you didn't even study to get the, why would they grant an honorary doctorate to somebody?
TEE-TOH: Oh, when you pay enough money.
GROWER MIND: My children absorb all of the Tee-Toh and Syrock.
K’HEKK: Soldiers, assimilate responsibly. Aurochs, don't fly and drive. Or don't assimilate and drive.
SETH: Always have a designated-
K’HEKK: Royal Drones, you have been designated as drivers for this executional tactic. [Allie laughs]