517: Old Boy [ft. Hari Kondabolu]
The crew is in for a little surprise when they arrive at… Mufalata Secundus? Bargie undercompensates. Dar drinks the Dramamom. C-53 ranks albums.
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NARRATOR: It is a time of great unease. The crew of the Bargarean Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant. But something is different. Wrong. Wack! Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they've never imagined. On their final mission to Zyxx!
[main theme plays]
AJ: So Papa..
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: How's the- how’s the new eye?
PLECK: Oh man, it's amazing! I- I get everything. If I look at someone, it tells me their heat signature, it tells me biometric data about them. It's in- oh, hold on a second, sorry. Just gotta close this window. Ah, it froze up. Now I gotta restart.
NERMUT: Restart your eye?
PLECK: Yeah, I gotta reset it every once in a while. There's a lot of glitches and-
BARGIE: What was your ad for?
PLECK: This one’s for like a- I don't get it. It's like a monthly bathrobe subscription service.
DAR: Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
PLECK: It's called "robe," but it's sort of spelled weird. It's like a R-O with the dots over it, and then B, robe.
BARGIE: Oh, C, they were one of our sponsors for Cube2Cube. Remember? Then they dropped us.
C-53: Oh yeah, well, I think there was some confusion over the pronunciation, 'cause I think, Barge, you kept calling them "Rob."
BARGIE: Right, and you kept screaming.
C-53: I- there was a lot of screaming.
AJ: Drugs are bad, y'all.
C-53: You know, with the umlaut there, I think the pronunciation is actually "Rube," which is not very complimentary either.
PLECK: Yeah, Rob and Rube, both less desirable than Robe.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Either way, I'm not sure why you would need a new robe every month.
NERMUT: Yeah, there's something between just one robe and a new robe every month.
PLECK: Okay, sure.
AJ: But I think the point of it is you get like four robes, and you pick the robe you want, and you send back the ones you don't, right?
PLECK: Yeah, either way, AJ, I don't need- I don’t need that many robes.
AJ: But it's like tailored to your robe needs, right?
PLECK: Yeah, I know that.
AJ: Like, once they start to learn your, like, style, they start to send the robes that you really want.
PLECK: Yeah, they seem to have a lot of information about my exact size and shape. I've never given them any of this information.
C-53: Well, that eye might have, you know, rear sensors to scan you internally.
AJ: Classic.
PLECK: You'd be looking right in my brain!
C-53: Yeah, you're probably gonna start to get a lot of ads for like custom neurotransmitters and stuff like that.
NERMUT: Yeah, sticks.
DAR: I'm sure those are exact measurements all that time you spend checking out yourself in a full-length mirror, you know? Whipping around.
PLECK: I have to make sure that I'm living up to the Zima ideal of being put together, but not too put together.
DAR: Mm-hmm.
C-53: What's the Zima scroll that requires Zimas to be put together, but not too put together?
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: It's more of a- it’s more of a triangulation, C-53.
C-53: Mm, okay.
PLECK: Can we lay off Pleck for a second? Okay, C-53, are we close to Mufalata Secundus yet?
C-53: Well, um, we should be pulling out of hyperspace any minute now.
PLECK: Oh, man, guys, I can't believe we did it.
AJ: We're coming in hot. We gotta go in hot.
C-53: Yeah, AJ, I don't know if that's the best idea.
AJ: Why not?
PLECK: I mean, it's a lava planet, so it's already hot enough, probably.
AJ: We gotta match the hot. We gotta match the heat.
C-53: Well you don't fight fire with fire, AJ.
AJ: Why wouldn't you? If you're not as hot as the fire, how are you gonna fight it?
BARGIE: Hey, are we talking about what's hot right now?
AJ: Yeah, we're talking about fire.
C-53: Yeah, we are, Barge, but I don't think-
BARGIE: It's me, it's Bargie. Two wings, Bargie. No more one wing. I'm back, baby, and I got two wings. Thank you. Everyone stop clapping and hooting and hollering, yes, I am very physically attractive.
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, I, uh, you know, I'm mainly only asking this 'cause I know you want me to, but, uh, how is the response on social media?
BARGIE: Huge. I posted a hot, hot pic. Everyone's liked it.
[Pleck pulls out his holopad]
PLECK: Yeah, wow, Bargie, look at these replies. You're blowing up.
BARGIE: Thank you.
AJ: Y’know, Bargie's also in, uh, "Sentient" magazine.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
BARGIE: Yeah, they work really fast.
AJ: Yeah, see that candid?
NERMUT: Oh, they had to do the extra flap out to get the new wing.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: That's amazing.
BARGIE: Yeah, the headline is "We’re Horned For Bargie Again.”
PLECK: We're horned?
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Wow.
NERMUT: Wow.
C-53: Pretty intense.
PLECK: Oh, Bargie, you upgraded your horn. Sounds good.
BARGIE: Hey, everyone, shut up, okay? I'm about to drop out of hyperspace.
PLECK: Oh, okay, great.
BARGIE: Come on, this is a place of business.
PLECK: You know, guys, I just want to say, before we come out of hyperspace, we've had a couple false starts. We've been waylaid on our way to our mission a couple times, and I just want to say we're finally here. We finally did it, so let's gear up.
NERMUT: Yes, let's do it.
PLECK: Let's go in and knock 'em dead, huh?
AJ: Well, with a speech like that, I am ready to go.
PLECK: Thank you, thank you, AJ.
AJ: That's right, we were waylaid, but now we're not waylaid. Let's do this.
PLECK: Thank you.
BARGIE: Hey, just a reminder, 'cause I've been so focused on how hot I am, what is it exactly that we're doing?
PLECK: Bargie, Bargie, we're landing on a lava planet to track down and confront Kor Balevore and the evil Nermut Bundaloy.
DAR: Hmm.
BARGIE: I didn't know about that.
PLECK: None of that you knew?
BARGIE: No.
AJ: It's kind of been what we've been doing for the past few–
NERMUT: I mean, ultimately, five years.
PLECK: I mean, yeah, true, if you think about it that way.
BARGIE: Huh. Sorry I wasn't paying attention.
PLECK: All right. Okay.
NERMUT: Here we go, guys, we're coming out.
AJ: We're coming out, let's do this.
[Bargie leaves hyperspace]
PLECK: Hey, Dar, you didn't barf that time, good job.
DAR: Oh, no, this time I took a whole bottle of Dramamom.
AJ: A whole bottle?
DAR: I think there's some weird side effects, like, ugh, visions. None of this looks like Mufalata Secundus.
PLECK: No, wait, Dar, I think you're right, that's not Mufalata Secundus.
C-53: That looks- I mean, where are the lava flows? Where are the plumes of magma?
PLECK: Yeah, this isn’t it- this is-
AJ: Looks like we're coming to not.
DAR: So I'm- I’m not seeing things?
NERMUT: High five, AJ.
AJ: Thanks.
PLECK: No, no, this isn't Mufalata Secundus. Bargie-
BARGIE: What.
PLECK: -we were supposed to go to Mufalata Secundus. You had the coordinates, what happened?
BARGIE: I don't know.
NERMUT: Wait, what? Okay, Bargie, now we're turning away from the planet.
PLECK: Hold on a second. Bargie.
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: Bring up your flight path from Quantaris for a second.
BARGIE: That's a very personal thing for you to ask me.
PLECK: Well, we're not in the place we're supposed to be.
BARGIE: All right, here’s my personal flight path. You should share this with people I'm intimate with.
C-53: Okay, Bargie, I'm seeing a pretty big difference here from your projected flight path and your actual flight path.
BARGIE: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: Bargie, you basically flew in a half circle.
BARGIE: Oh!
C-53: Bargie, did you compensate for the extra wing?
BARGIE: Oh, yeah.
NERMUT: By "oh, yeah" do you mean "no"?
PLECK: Bargie, we were in hyperspace for, like, 48 hours.
AJ: Bargie doesn't have to compensate for her wing at all.
BARGIE: Thank you, AJ.
NERMUT: No, but you have to have compensated for it, just navigation-
AJ: No, she's looking fly, she looks great. Everybody said so, Sentient said so.
PLECK: Bargie, I don't know what it takes to, you know, redo the math or something, but we have to get to Mufalata Secundus.
BARGIE: Okay, so, fine, I will admit I got the wing, but that didn't change anything about myself calculation-wise, I guess, for me to get to the right direction flight-wise.
PLECK: So, Bargie, you're saying that you made an external change and didn't make an internal change personally to sort of-
BARGIE: Wow, wow, Pleck.
AJ: Woah.
BARGIE: You can say what you would to but that was rude.
PLECK: Sorry, I thought that's what you were saying.
BARGIE: But yes, it's true, but the wing is working. Awoo!
AJ: Yass queen.
NERMUT: It's literally- it’s literally not working, awoo.
PLECK: It's not- it’s not working from a y’know, engineering perspective.
BARGIE: This wing is functionable.
NERMUT: Functionable?
PLECK: Functionable?
NERMUT: Kind of really sums it all up.
DAR: Crew, crew, listen up. Clap, clap.
PLECK: Yeah? What is it- what is it, Captain?
BARGIE: Oh, clap.
AJ: Yes, what’s up?
DAR: I don't know if it's the full bottle of liquid Dramamom motion sickness for children that I just swallowed.
PLECK: Oh, dar.
DAR: I- I think I'm hallucinating this child in the corner.
PLECK: No, no, Dar, there's actually a child there.
PAWLR'DD: Hi.
PLECK: Whoa.
AJ: Whoa. That's a kid.
PLECK: Plus Dar–
DAR: Did you- did you take the Dramamom too? be honest.
PLECK: No Dar, This is children's Dramamom. You're 12 feet tall. There's almost no way you can overdose on this.
C-53: Yeah, Dar, the math of this is-
DAR: Oh, no, no, I'm very sensitive to any kind of drug.
PLECK: No, Dar, both of your hallucinations actually happened.
NERMUT: Also, there's a kid over there, so just
PAWLR'DD: Hey.
PLECK: Yeah, sorry, we'll come back to this. Bargie, who is this? Is this one of our stowaways that's always on here, or is this a new person?
BARGIE: Yes.
PLECK: Okay. Hey, buddy. How's it going? I'm Pleck Decksetter. We're the crew of the Bargarean Jade. Is everything okay? Are you lost?
PAWLR'DD: You're sounding a little condescending. I don't appreciate that. I realize I look like I'm seven. Common mistake.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, wow.
AJ: This guy doesn't sound seven, right?
PAWLR'DD: I am a 55 year old man. I look like I'm seven.
AJ: What?
PLECK: That can't be right.
PAWLR'DD: There's a long story. Don't want to get into it. Is there a bar anywhere on board?
PLECK: Uh.
C-53: Uh, there is, but young man, I don't think in good conscience we can serve you a drink.
PAWLR'DD: I'm 55. Just get me to a bar. We're good, and if you serve me milk without alcohol in it, I will lose my mind.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
DAR: Look kid, the best I can offer you right now is this children's-
PLECK: Don't do that.
DAR: -medication.
PLECK: I wouldn't take that.
DAR: For motion sickness. It will juck you up.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, no, don't
NERMUT: I'll just take that.
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
DAR: No, no, no!
PLECK: Listen, listen, Sport, I'm sorry if I assumed anything about you, but we're actually sort of on our way to a big thing. Is there anything we can do for you? We could probably get some cartoons to play on the holoprojector for you. Oh, do you like Ants on a Log?
PAWLR'DD: You condescending Juck.
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: Woah.
PAWLR'DD: I know why you're not listening to me, because I look like I'm seven, alright? And that's ageist against a young person and an old person, which is bizarre.
PLECK: Well, you know, in our defense, every planet revolves around its star at a different rate. You could be 55 but still be, what, you're in third, fourth grade probably?
PAWLR'DD: Hey, how many seven-year-olds have been married twice?
PLECK: You've been married twice?
PAWLR'DD: Yes.
DAR: I don't know. Kids love to get married on the playground.
C-53: That's very common.
PAWLR'DD: Okay, alright. How many seven year olds have a tattoo of the first Bleezer album right on their chest? Look at that.
PLECK: Wow, Bleezer.
PAWLR'DD: Yeah, it's the orange album.
C-53: Oh, the orange album. Famously, they're one of their best.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, it's the best one. It gets bad after the orange one.
C-53: Well, come on. The one right after orange is pretty good.
PAWLR'DD: Joshington? Joshington's great.
C-53: I like Joshington. Maybe I even like Joshington more than the orange one.
PLECK: Okay. C-53, this is irrelevant a little bit. Listen, sir, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. Let's try this again. I'm Pleck. This is Dar, Nermut, Bargie, AJ, and C-53.
PAWLR'DD: I appreciate the much nicer greeting. I'm sorry about the use of the obscenity. I'm just very tired, and I just want to go home. Are any of you going to Oregon? I just want to go back to my home planet. That's it, and I'll leave you alone. And I'd like a drink if possible.
PLECK: Oregon is the name of your home planet?
PAWLR'DD: Correct, yes.
DAR: Orehhgaan.
PAWLR'DD: Everybody says Orehgan. It's Oregon.
DAR: I've never said it out loud before. I've only read it.
AJ: It's Organ?
PAWLR'DD: It's Oregon.
PLECK: Okay. All right.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: We're not headed there, but if you're tired, buddy, we’ve- you can have a little nap.
PLECK: Nermut..
DAR: You can chug some of this good stuff.
PLECK: Both of you guys, bad.
DAR: No, no, no, no, no. Take a little sippy. Just a little sippy cup.
PLECK: No, no. Don't do that, and also it doesn't do what you think it does. And, sorry, what is your name?
PAWLR'DD: My name is Pawlr'dd.
PLECK: Paul Rudd?
PAWLR'DD: Pawlr'dd.
AJ: Pawlrudd.
DAR: Pawl Rudd.
PAWLR'DD: Close, yes. Pawlr'dd.
AJ: Pawlr'dd. Okay.
DAR: Pawl Rudd from Orehgan.
PAWLR'DD: Oregon, yes.
PLECK: Okay.
PAWLR'DD: I really would like to get sloshed and forget, I don't know, the last 40 years.
BARGIE: Whoa, someone is speaking my language.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, there we go.
BARGIE: Finally, I've been waiting.
PLECK: Okay uh- I don't know if I-
BARGIE: Taking out Bargie slosh machine full of top grade beverages.
PAWLR'DD: That's what I'm talking about.
AJ: I didn't know we had that.
NERMUT: Bargie, maybe do like a virgin granny, not an old salty grandma, because, like, we don't know, you know. Just look at him. I believe you should get them starting drinking young so they really understand the tolerance.
AJ: Okay.
C-53: That's not objectively how I imagine it.
BARGIE: Because I wish I started drinking at a very early age.
PLECK: Really? Okay.
NERMUT: Not a common regret.
AJ: Hey, can I say something too real quick? We're on our way to, like, save the galaxy, right?
PLECK: Well, the universe, depending on who you ask.
AJ: So does this really, like, matter? Like, do we need to really be worried about this? And now we're dealing with this kind of weirdo, like-
PLECK: Yeah, it does- yeah AJ it does seem a little late in the game to have- this feels sort of like a one-off mission in some ways.
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: You'd think we'd be kind of past something like this in a way.
PLECK: Yeah, but, you know, it's good to get one last little mission in, right?
BARGIE: How long have you been a stowaway on me?
PAWLR'DD: Bargie, you don't know the answer to that?
BARGIE: I don't know. People come and go.
PAWLR'DD: I think Bargie was having some kind of surgery done, and I got all the-
BARGIE: Oh, yeah.
PAWLR’DD: On Quantaris.
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
C-53: Yeah, okay, that would check out.
BARGIE: That's true. I was open for business then, so.
PAWLR'DD: Have any of you tried the space rocks on Quantaris?
PLECK: Wow.
PAWLR'DD: Do you all do rocks? No?
NERMUT: No..
C-53: Rocks is pretty intense.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, you dust. I think you call it dust here.
C-53: Well, sure, but rocks is, like, super dust, you know?
PAWLR'DD: Oh, right. It's, like, very intense. Yeah, yeah, I don't really mess with it. I just-
C-53: Sure, sure.
AJ: It's not like you were asking, kind of, if we had any.
PLECK: Yeah, you kind of changed-
PAWLR'DD: No, no, I was just-
PLECK: Once you found out we didn't do it, you kind of changed your tone to, like, sort of a hypothetical-
PAWLR'DD: Well- I was just asking, you know. Well one, I- just one- you can't judge me. Who are you to judge me?
PLECK: Uhh. Yeah.
NERMUT: He's really doing, like, a schoolyard push.
AJ: Yeah, stop pushing me, kid. Holdin' his head, and he's swinging at me.
PLECK: Listen, Pawlr'dd, we're sort of in the middle of a pretty intense mission right now, and, you know, if you want to stay on this ship and drink, that's sort of your- your prerogative, I guess, but I'm not sure if we're going to have time to get to Oregon before we have to kind of do our thing.
PAWLR'DD: [groans] What's your next stop? I'll get off at the next stop. What's your next stop?
PLECK: Well, we're trying to get to Mufalata Secundus.
C-53: Yeah, which is a pretty dangerous planet. Lots of lava and-
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: We can just throw you out the window if you want, or, like, whatever-
PLECK: No, AJ.
C-53: No..
PLECK: We're not doing that.
AJ: Listen, we've seen a lot of weird shit, but he's truly the most unsettling thing we've come across in all the time i’ve been-
PLECK: AJ-
DAR: I know. How can someone so old look so young?
PLECK: Yeah. AJ, you're seven years old. Why is that an issue for you, for somebody who looks seven but is older?
AJ: I'm just calling out-
PLECK: You look older, but you're seven.
AJ: Look at him. Look at him in his little short pants, stirring a cocktail. It's real weird.
C-53: Well, Pleck, don't you have biometrics in this new eye? Just tell us how old he is.
PLECK: Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, he's 55. 55.
C-53: Okay.
PAWLR'DD: Yeah, there you go. Thank you.
PLECK: Okay. All right.
AJ: You're welcome.
PAWLR'DD: Okay, fine. You know what? I'll tell you the story. I don't like telling the story.
AJ: We weren't really-
PLECK: Yeah. He got that one salty grandma in him, and now he's telling us the whole story.
PAWLR'DD: Alright.
C-53: Isn’t that always the way.
AJ: He’s tiny, he doesn’t have tolerance.
PAWLR'DD: I'm in Oregon with my family. I slip into a chasm, like a ravine.
C-53: Sure.
PAWLR'DD: See a spaceship. Get into the ship. All right. Let's see where this goes. Next thing I know, I'm navigating all over the place. Got no idea what's going on, but I'm having a fun time, right?
AJ: He's just navigating? He's not piloting? What's he- he's just navigating?
PLECK: AJ-
PAWLR'DD: The ship has a mind of its own, but I navigate. I'm a navigator.
C-53: AJ, nobody pilots Bargie. Why is that so hard to believe?
AJ: Alright, I guess you’re right.
PAWLR'DD: So we crash, and I feel like I'm stuck. So then I see another spaceship come in. I get on the ship, right? That one crashes.
AJ: Like, again?
PAWLR'DD: Get off. End up in another one that ends up in some kind of war. I get off that one. Basically this repeats for a good 48 years, and now I'm-
PLECK: What?
DAR: What?
PAWLR'DD: -I am now- 48 plus 7 is 55.
C-53: Yeah it checks out.
PAWLR'DD: And now I just want to go home and see my family, if any of them are still alive. I'm not asking for so much.
AJ: He's telling this long story, but did he say the part about why he looks 7 or-
PLECK: No, that wasn't- that wasn’t part of the story.
AJ: Okay. Okay.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, have you asked all of these ships to take you to Oregon?
PAWLR'DD: Do you not know how stowaways work, sir? I sneak on board. I hide in things. Sometimes I hollow out a machine or a bot, and I put myself in it.
PLECK: What?
C-53: Oh, grim.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, there are billions of inhabited planets in the galaxy. You can't just hope that one of them is going to Oregon.
PAWLR'DD: You got a better idea? Is there some kind of public transport system from planet to planet, that infrastructure? Not in place.
DAR: He has you there, Pleck.
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: It's actually pretty disappointing.
PLECK: But there’s the Max? He could take the Max.
C-53: Yes, the Municipal Astrogation Express.
PAWLR'DD: I'm not taking the Max.
PLECK: What? You could- you could get back to Oregon on the Max. You're not going to take it?
PAWLR'DD: That's not how I want to go home. I want to go home on a spaceship. I'm gone for 48 years, all of a sudden I just show up on the Max? Are you kidding me?
C-53: It does raise a lot of questions, Pleck.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, Pawlr’dd you got to take what you can get a little bit. I feel like you're sort of approaching this the way a child would, y’know. You want to fly a flashy spaceship back to your home. But all of the ships you've gotten on have navigation systems. They could all find Oregon and take you to it.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, I sound like a seven year old? Let's see how that could happen? Hmm, I missed some of my prime developmental years trying to get home.
PLECK: Okay. Yeah, that's a good point. I guess I hadn't really considered that angle.
AJ: Alright. I figured it out.
PLECK: Wha- what is it, AJ?
AJ: Seven year old is actually an old man. We're dealing with timey-wimey shit here.
PLECK: AJ, how so? How do you mean?
AJ: I mean, he's like- what do I mean? He's seven years old, but he's not.
PLECK: He looks seven years old.
C-53: He's 55 years old.
AJ: Right.
PLECK: He’s 55.
DAR: Oh, this is a classic case of a Zachary Zippers disease.
BARGIE: Oh!
C-53: I don't think that's an actual disease, Dar.
PLECK: Yeah- I don’t think-
BARGIE: You know, I was once in a movie about Zachary Zippers.
DAR: Oh, yeah. No, Bargie was in that holo. Zachary Zipper.
BARGIE: [as a baby] I started as a baby ship when I was an old man.
C-53: I also don't think that's one of Bargie’s best performances, to be honest.
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, that felt like-
BARGIE: [as an old man] I became an old ship when I was a baby.
PLECK: That was sort of shameless award bait.
AJ: Hey, Pawlr'dd.
PAWLR'DD: Yeah?
AJ: Why- why are you- why are you like the way you are?
PLECK: Okay, AJ, that's not-
AJ: Why are you- not 55
PAWLR'DD: Right now? Because I had four of your- four salty mary’s or whatever they're called.
PLECK: That’s an old salty grandma.
PAWLR'DD: I don't know what your grandma's name is. I have wet myself.
PLECK: Uhh. Okay..
PAWLR'DD: It has nothing to do with what I look like. It's the fact I have been drinking.
AJ: Eurghh.
PLECK: You know, Pawlr'dd, if you needed to know where the bathroom was, buddy, you didn't need to hold it. You could just ask us.
NERMUT: I'm surprised I'm saying this, but maybe you should take this children's motion sickness stuff, after all.
PLECK: Oh, that's a good point. It might keep you from throwing up.
DAR: If only there were a drop to give, I am so sorry.
PLECK: Oh, Dar.
NERMUT: Downed it? Dar, urgh.
DAR: I've taken all of them.
NERMUT: Oh, it's like dripping out of your goatee.
PLECK: It comes in that- yeah, that little syringe.
DAR: Mhm.
BARGIE: Hey, hey, hey.
NERMUT: Yeah?
BARGIE: So should I go towards the fire planet or-
NERMUT: Well, you're not going to get there. You tried to go last time.
PLECK: Bargie, did you already compensate for the flight path change with the new wing and all that?
BARGIE: No.
AJ: Wait, hold on. Bargie actually makes a good point here. So are we going to go kick some ass and save the galaxy or take this little space hobo back to his home planet? What are we doing?
PLECK: AJ.
C-53: AJ.
AJ: Oh, we can't say space hobo?
DAR: No, we can't.
C-53: It's kind of derogatory, right?
DAR: We can't.
NERMUT: I think it was the little that really put it over the edge.
PLECK: He is 55. He's solidly in hobo territory at this point.
AJ: Yeah, he hollowed out a droid and hid in it. That's space hobo stuff, man.
C-53: Rodd, I'm still not over that.
PLECK: Yeah, Pawlr'dd, I- I just feel like something about your story just isn't lining up. I mean, if you were a kid who was lost, you know, you could talk to any adult.
PAWLR'DD: Let me think about this. Don't talk to strangers. Talk to an adult. Inconsistency. What am I supposed to do?
PLECK: Okay, fair point.
PAWLR'DD: Can't talk to strangers, especially strange older people.
PLECK: Yeah, fair point. Just out of curiosity, is Oregon an interstellar planet? Do you guys have space travel?
PAWLR'DD: No, I do not believe we do. That's kind of the reason I got into the ship to begin with. I'd never seen anything like it. And then when they talked about space- well they didn't use the word "space" because at the time I was seven, they said, "Do you want to go sky high?" And I said, "I do want to go sky high."
PLECK: Wait, was the ship also seven?
PAWLR'DD: Well, the ship explained it to me in a way a seven year old would have understood it. If you said, "Do you want to go into outer space?" I wouldn't have understood what that meant.
PLECK: Respectfully, Pawlr'dd, I don't know what your society is like, but most seven year olds know what space is.
AJ: I understand what outer space is. I understand outer space.
PAWLR'DD: Are you insulting me when I was seven?
PLECK: No, no. No, not at all. C-53, can I talk to you for just a second?
C-53: Yeah, of course.
PLECK: I think the reason why nobody's taking him back to Oregon is because it's protected by the Primo Directivo.
C-53: Yeah, well, Oregon could be considered modern in many ways. Yeah, they have not figured out interstellar travel, so we run a pretty big risk bringing Pawlr'dd back there.
PAWLR'DD: I think I'm going to throw up.
PLECK: Oh no.
C-53: They may have also just gotten tired of Pawlr'dd and kicked him off the ship each time.
DAR: Yeah, I could see this little guy leading anyone to crash. Yeah.
PAWLR'DD: I'm not an asshole. I'm just lonely and drunk.
PLECK: Okay.
BARGIE: Wow, someone's speaking my language.
PAWLR'DD: I like you, Bargie.
BARGIE: I like you, Pawlr’dd.
[Pawlr’dd starts messing with the console board]
AJ: Stop flipping the knobs, kid. No, stop flipping the switches.
PLECK: Yeah, don’t touch that.
PAWLR'DD: What does that one do? What does that one do?
AJ: Stop-
PAWLR'DD: What does that one do?
NERMUT: Most of them dump gas. Almost all of them just dump gas.
PAWLR'DD: Which one gives me candy? Which one do I press to give me candy?
PLECK: It's this one, but you really shouldn't.
NERMUT: Pawlr’dd, if you want us to respect you as an adult, come on, like-
PAWLR'DD: Adults have sweet teeth. I have sweet teeth.
PLECK: That's a good point. I do, too.
AJ: Sweet teeth? Wait, so it's navigating just you hitting a bunch of buttons and shit?
PLECK: This explains why so many of them crashed.
PAWLR'DD: Look, I got into the ship. The ship is like- I'm questioning the ship's intentions, to be honest. Because I get into the ship,
BARGIE: What.
PAWLR'DD: -the ship's like, "Do you want to navigate the ship?" And I'm like, "I don't know what that means." I'm like, "Yeah." "Well, come on board and just put your hand in here." And apparently my hand had some kind of power. Next thing I know, we're flying. I have a feeling this ship used me to get off the planet.
AJ: Was he abducted?
PLECK: Wow.
BARGIE: Question, what was uh- what was that ship's name? Sounds very familiar.
PAWLR'DD: Robin?
BARGIE: Wooooow!
PAWLR'DD: You know Robin?
BARGIE: I know Robin! UGH! They say things, but it's only to use you. I've been there.
PAWLR'DD: Wait, are you the Bargie?
BARGIE: I am the Bar- why?
PAWLR'DD: Oh my-
BARGIE: Did they say something about me? What'd they say? What'd they say?
PAWLR'DD: He loved slash hated you!
C-53: That describes a lot of Bargie's relationships.
PLECK: That could really explain a lot, yeah-
BARGIE: You know what? I'm going to call Robin right now.
PLECK: But Bargie, I think Robin crashed.
[phone ringing]
PAWLR'DD: He died a long time ago, Bargie.
PLECK: I think Robin may be long dead.
[phone dial beeps]
PLECK: Oh no!
PHONE DIAL: The number you have dialed has crashed.
PLECK: Oh wow. Guys, listen, I know Pawlr’dd is annoying. I know he lives on a primitive planet, but if we can't save the least of us, how can we save the whole galaxy? Right?
[Pawlr’dd gargles his drink]
PLECK: Don't do that, don’t- do- just-
C-53: That’s..
PAWLR'DD: I was just rinsing my mouth off from the crud that Bargie gave me.
PLECK: Yeah but don't play with your drinks like that. Don’t blow bubbles, what are you doing?
AJ: Real space hobo stuff.
[Pawlr’dd gargles his drink again]
PLECK: Okay, alright. Alright.
C-53: It's pretty gross.
AJ: Yeah..
NERMUT: So much blood in that crud.
AJ: Next thing we know we'll be making soup out of shoes. Let's get him out of here.
PLECK: What?
AJ: Yeah like, space hobo stuff. They take space food so they-
C-53: AJ, how do you know so much about space hobos?
AJ: I don't want to talk about it.
PLECK: Alright, listen, C-53, do you know where Oregon is? Can we get there?
C-53: Well, I know this is not going to be popular to hear, but it is on the way to Mufalata Secundus. It really wouldn't slow us down very much at all to drop him off. But we should really figure out why Bargie is navigating to the left pretty strongly.
AJ: Wait, hold on.
C-53: Before we make that trip.
[Pawlr’dd begins pressing random buttons]
AJ: Hold on.
PLECK: Wait, you can't do that.
NERMUT: Hey, you can't–
PAWLR'DD: I don't know what I'm doing, but apparently we're moving in a direction on that map.
PLECK: Hey, stop touching that.
C-53: Oregon, well, okay, but- look, Pleck, Bargie's flight path is correcting itself. He's compensating for the second wing.
BARGIE: Hey, let me clarify here. Those buttons do not control me, okay? They are suggestions, and he happens to make a good point. But I am deciding this, okay?
PLECK: Bargie, is that how your- is that how your navigation system works? It's a series of suggestions?
BARGIE: Just a bunch of suggestions and pitches, you know.
PLECK: Wow, these are all just spitballs, these buttons.
C-53: Yeah, so your navigation system is a pitch meeting.
BARGIE: Yeah.
C-53: Wow.
AJ: That explains why there's like 30 minutes before we go anywhere.
PLECK: AJ, "explains" is a very strong word.
NERMUT: Right, and we often never hear back from people.
BARGIE: Anyway, it's gotten my other wing to stand up straight, therefore giving me the correct direction towards a location known as Oregon.
PLECK: Okay, great, whatever it takes. Bargie, thank you.
NERMUT: So, Pawlr’dd, I think the buttons do work.
PAWLR'DD: Hey, Bargie, can you play uhh can you play some Bleezer?
BARGIE: Yeah, play some juckin' Bleezerrrr.
SONG & PAWLR’DD: My name is Justin. Dun-dun-dun-dun.
C-53: This is a great jam.
JUSTIN: Wait, what? I love this song!
PAWLR'DD: Yeah, it really got bad after a while, but that first one, the orange one.
SONG:
[Have you got a light?
For my big hash pipe.
It won’t be so long,
Singing sweater song.
With my dog and cat,
I don’t care bout that.
Looks like tonnes of fun,
Island in the sun.
Where’d you wanna go?
You say it ain’t so.]
[transition noise]
C-53: So, I think I have this figured out. If we find a field, you know, nearby a populated area, but not too near, obviously, we could hover above the ground so as not to leave any trace of our landing, drop Pawlr’dd there, and then, get out of there before anybody's the wiser.
PLECK: I like that plan. Wait, where-
AJ: Where is he?
PLECK: Where is Pawlr’dd?
C-53: A fine question. Uhm-
DAR: And where has Pawlr’dd been going to the bathroom? Let's all ask ourselves that.
PLECK: I'm sure we'll find out. Bargie- Bargie, where is Pawlr’dd?
BARGIE: He's in Justin's room.
[Justin cheers from his room]
PLECK: Oh, no. What?
[Don’t Get Much Better- Jordan B’Korkan, playing in the background]
JUSTIN: So, wait. Tell me like, how is it that you deal with so many different emotions, but like keep it still together?
PAWLR'DD: Uhh I- I do some space rocks from time to time. Have you had space rocks, kid? I think they call it dust here.
JUSTIN: No, I like to, like-
PLECK: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you guys- Pawlr’dd–
JUSTIN: But, like, maybe. What?
PLECK: Do not give Justin drugs! What are you doing?
JUSTIN: I'm old enough!
PAWLR'DD: Why?
PLECK: You're not old enough. No one's old enough.
PAWLR'DD: How old are you, kid?
JUSTIN: I'm, like, maybe around 17, I think. It's been established.
PAWLR'DD: Oh. That's perfect for space rocks.
NERMUT: Okay. Justin, don't let this old child lead you astray.
[Pawlr’dd pulls out another bag of rocks]
NERMUT: No, stop. Why do you have another bag?
PLECK: Get out of there!
AJ: He's a space hobo, of course he’s gonna have space rocks.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Now that is a stereotype about space hobos.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, listen. I got good news, buddy. We made it.
PAWLR'DD: Alright.
PLECK: We're here. We made it to Oregon.
PAWLR'DD: What? I'm home?
PLECK: That's right.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, my Rodd. I'm home.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah. So, you know, actually- here, just look out the window. Tell us about where it is on the planet.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, it's on the other side. Oh, you got it wrong.
AJ: He's so high.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, that's fine. It takes us, like, two seconds to get to the other side.
C-53: Yeah, we can go to the other side of the planet.
AJ: Hey, no, don't touch that stuff, kid.
PAWLR'DD: What does that do?
PLECK: No, stop!
BARGIE: Ow! Ow!
AJ: No, he's going out of his mind.
BARGIE: Ow! Ow!
[alarms comes from Bargie]
PLECK: Bargie, hold on, hold on.
BARGIE: I’m Spinning, I’m spinning, I’m spinning. Bargie’s spinning out. Bargie’s spinning out. Bargie’s spinning out.
[all crew members shout]
[it goes quiet, before Bargie crashes down on Oregon]
BARGIE: Last call for drinks!
PLECK: Is everybody all right?
C-53: Well, for the most part.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd, Pawlr’dd are you okay?
PAWLR'DD: [now with a child's voice] I'm doing great. This is so cool. I'm home.
PLECK: Pawlr’dd?
PAWLR'DD: I'm gonna get in so much trouble, though.
PLECK: What happened? Wait a second. Pawlr’dd, how old are you?
PAWLR'DD: I'm seven.
C-53: Oh.
DAR: Oh, no.
NERMUT: Pleck, run an age scan.
PLECK: He's seven. He's seven years old.
PAWLR'DD: Yeah, that's what I just said.
JUSTIN: Pawlr’dd, you left your bags of space rocks.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, wait.
PLECK: No, don't give it back. Don't give those back. Don't keep them for yourself, but also don’t give them back.
C-53: Yeah, do not.
PLECK: [panicking] Listen, Pawlr’dd, you gotta go home now, bud, okay? Everything's fine. You know, we just- we found you in this ravine, and we fixed up that clonk on your head. And we're gonna send you back to your mom and dad, okay?
PAWLR'DD: Okay, yeah. Sounds good.
NERMUT: Yeah. We're all from Orehgan.
AJ: Yes.
PAWLR'DD: I think you mean Oregon.
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Pawlr’dd? Pawlr’dd?
PAWLR'DD: Wait. Wait, am I in trouble?
PLECK: No, no, no, no. No, no, that's fine. Just, you know, whatever you do-
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Pawlr’dd?
PLECK: -don't tell your parents about any of this.
DAR: No.
AJ: Right.
NERMUT: That's always the safe side of-
PLECK: But not in a creepy way.
NERMUT: Yeah-
C-53: It is a little creepy when you say it.
AJ: Sounds creepy.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Pawlr’dd, Pawlr’dd, is that you?
DAR: Run.
PLECK: Okay, back to Bargie Let's get out of here.
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: So long.
PAWLR'DD: Bye. See ya.
AJ: Bye.
PAWLR'DD: Bye.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: My darling, Pawlr’dd.
PAWLR'DD: Mom, I'm here. It's me.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Where have you been?
PAWLR'DD: Mom, I'm fine.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: We've been looking for- do you smell like booze?
PLECK: [in the distance] Oh, no!
PAWLR'DD: Oh, I was older when I drank it.
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: What is that bag full of?
PLECK: [in the distance] Oh, I left him in a bad situation!
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Pawlr’dd, you are grounded until you're 55.
C-53: [in the distance] Oh, boy.
PAWLR'DD: Oh, no. That’s not fair!
PAWLR’DD’S MOM: Go, young man. Go.
PAWLR'DD: Urghh!
AJ: You know, I have to say, the mom- the mom doesn't look like a space hobo. So must get the hobo from his dad's side.
PLECK: What?
AJ: Notice he's not here. Probably riding the rails or something like that.
NERMUT: Wow. AJ was really crossed by a hobo at some point.
PLECK: I guess my only question is, why did he get young again when we returned him to Oregon? I guess I understand why he looked seven, but-
NERMUT: You do?
AJ: Oh weird, a timey-wimey thing didn't make sense. Shocker.
BARGIE: I know exactly what happened.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Oh, good, Bargie. We need-
AJ: Okay.
DAR: -we need this explanation.
BARGIE: Now, everyone here watched the sequel to "Zachary Zipper," right?
C-53: Uh, yeah, I don't know if I saw this.
DAR: Oh, yes. Isadole Eyehook.
BARGIE: Yeah, Isadole Eyehook. Basically, end of the day, what we learned from this whole quadrilogy-
AJ: Quadrilogy?
BARGIE: -is that if you believe in yourself, anything is possible.
PLECK: That doesn't explain-
AJ: Oh!
C-53: It sounds like Bargie's trying to say there's some sort of narrative satisfaction in the fact that, you know, we brought him back and he returned to the age that he once was when he originally left his planet.
PLECK: But- but where's the literal satisfaction? Where's the- where's the scientific-
BARGIE: There was a problem in the beginning. There was a want, and then they lost what they wanted, and then they had to kind of rebuild themselves to get what they wanted again.
PLECK: No, but what I'm asking is how-
BARGIE: And there was a moment of lowness when they lost everything.
PLECK: Uh-huh. Yeah. But-
BARGIE: And that's why they were like a seven year old who sounded like a 55 year old. And then they meet you, and that's a positive thing, but also, in a way, honestly, a negative thing.
AJ: It's the belly of the beast and meeting the goddess at the same time.
BARGIE: Right. And then, in the end, they found a happy ending and everyone had no questions.
PLECK: But, Bargie, literally, why did he turn into a seven- like, scientifically, how is that possible?
BARGIE: Oh, I don't know about that.
C-53: Mm.
BARGIE: Is this a bad time to mention I only have one wing again?
PLECK: Wait, what?
DAR: Not a bad time at all.
PLECK: Bargie, you lost your wing? What happened?
BARGIE: I don't know, Pleck. Maybe it's because I crashed into a ravine.
PLECK: Okay, yeah.
BARGIE: I don't knoooow!
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Wow, they did not put that wing on well. That snapped right off.
BARGIE: Hold on, hold on let me check soc media. Yeah, people hate me again.
PLECK: Oh, no, no Bargie!
[transition music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Alli Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Pawlr'dd's mom were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Pawlr'dd was played by special guest Hari Kondabolu. Hari is a comedian and writer whose stand-up special, Warn Your Relatives, is available on Netflix. Find him on Twitter and Instagram @harikondabolu. And featuring Cole Semien-Graef as young Pawlr'dd. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Original Bleezer music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design of the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplycast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximumfun Network.
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[outtake]
PLECK: So, Pawlr'dd, you're 55, but why do you still wear that Little League t-shirt?
PAWLR'DD: These are the clothes I had on when I left my home planet. Where do you expect me to find children's clothing?
PLECK: Literally any- a mall?
NERMUT: Any children's store.
PAWLR'DD: With what currency?
PLECK: Bargie, Bargie, you got some kids' clothes in one of those closets?
BARGIE: Wow.
PLECK: Uh... Okay, well-
NERMUT: I don't think that was an accusation of anything weird Bargie.
PLECK: Yeah, no I-
C-53: Yeah, Bargie, I don't think there was anything mean-spirited about that.
AJ: You got a lot of clothes, that's what we were saying. There's just a lot of them.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, but, you know, Pawlr'dd, you could have gotten a job, or, you know, you could have-
PAWLR'DD: Why are you blaming the victim, man? All right? I was kidnapped by a spaceship.
PLECK: I mean, that's true. That's unfortunate.
C-53: Yeah, also, Pleck, you gotta wonder about somebody who's willing to hire a seven year old, you know?
PLECK: That's- yeah, that's true.
C-53: It's not a great look.
NERMUT: And it's hard to ace an interview when you're seven.
BARGIE: Oh, wait, I apologize. I do have a children outfit. Uh, LaCraine LaCross’s little son used to dress up as a sailor and dance around.
C-53: Oh, this is not-
BARGIE: We could have him wearing an adorable sailor outfit.
PLECK: This feels like a lateral movement.
C-53: Yeah, Barge, I don't think we can do that.
NERMUT: Pawlr'dd, do you want to wear this sailor outfit?
PLECK: Still short pants.
PAWLR'DD: I would rather wear the tattered rags I've been wearing for 48 years.
C-53: Not a great sign.
NERMUT: The space hobo thing is just gonna follow you around.