307: The Magnificent Kevin [ft. Lou Gonzalez]
The crew receives a suspiciously eager invitation to the factory planet Nal-Kaa. Bargie enters her blue period. Dar plays it safe. AJ locks and loads and locks.
-
Opening Narration Crawl: It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher…. crusher. Now, Zima knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This…. is…. MISSION. TO. ZYXX.
[Zyxx Theme Plays]
INTERIOR, Bargarean Jade. [Ambient Spaceship Sounds]
Pleck (concerned): Hey Bargie?
Bargie (wistful): …Yeah…?
Pleck (concerned): Woah, are you okay?
Bargie (wistful): *sigh…]
C-53: This doesn’t sound good.
Pleck (concerned): Bargie I was gonna ask you, is - are all your lights all functioning properly? Like… all the lights are blue…
AJ (excited): We got a Code Blue!! [Laser Gun-Racking SFX] We got a Code Blue! Lock and load!
Pleck: Okay. Alright. Alright… AJ… I’m not sure if that’s what that means.
AJ (excited): Let’s get this going!
C-53: Okay uh… AJ…. AJ you gotta calm down.
Pleck: No okay…
AJ (excited): We got a code blue. Let’s lock and Load!! WOOOO!!!
Pleck: AJ! Put. Your gun. Put…..
AJ (excited): Check it out!!
Pleck: No - AJ… what does Code Blue mean?
AJ: So like… a Code Red is like… ‘Go for it!...’
Pleck: Uh-huh.
AJ: And… as I’m saying it I realize I’ve never actually seen a Code Blue…
Pleck: Sure.
C-53: Okay.
AJ: But I feel like if it’s… it’s probably like a Code Red… you know what I mean?
Pleck: Well…
C-53: Yeah well really-
Pleck: That’s a… that’s a color.
C-53: It seems like if it was like a Code Red they’d do a Code Red, right?
Pleck: Yeah - yeah…
AJ: Right, but we’ve never had a Code -
Pleck: -Okay, but listen… I’m just tryin - I mean - just… stand down I guess
AJ (at attention): Alright! Standing down everyone!
Pleck: Okay that’s-
AJ: Code Blue’s over!
Pleck: I don’t know who you’re talking to….. Bar-Bargie - what is going on?
Bargie: Eh… he ain’t wrong. Uh… [sighs] Bargie’s goin through some Code Blue right now.
Pleck (empathetically): Oh…
[Laser Gun-Racking SFX]
AJ: Code Blue!!
[Laser Gun-Charging SFX]
Pleck: No… AJ!...
AJ: It’s a Code Blue! Let’s do this!! Let’s lock and load!!
[Laser Gun-Racking and Charging SFX]
Pleck: No… AJ…. Stop…
AJ (overly excited): Let’s juck ‘em up!!
C-53: AJ, you gotta - you gotta wait to find out wha - what is a Code Blue, right?
AJ: Oh, right...
Pleck: Bargie, can you explain a Code Blue to us?
Bargie: ...Yeah it’s when uhhh…. When things in the past that have gone wrong finally get inside of me and I realize what happened and I’m like ‘Oh, I - I should be sad…’
Dar (higher pitch than usual due to current octomester): Oh, so your blue period is the reflective period.
Bargie: I’ve realized all of the people that I’ve wronged in my life…. all the cheats I’ve done…
Pleck: Wow…
Bargie: and also on top of the cherry - something I haven’t dealt with - I’ve just been keeping it buried inside is - I really miss - I really miss Beano…
Pleck and C-53, simultaneously: Awww…
C-53: Bargie…
Bargie: It’s like we forgot about Beano - It’s like we stopped talking about Beano - but that was a person that was inside of me for a while, and when it goes, you know - it’s gone - but it’s - there’s still a memory you gotta cherish - you can’t just forget about it, so….
Dar: Bargie, everything you are saying right now is resonating with me-
Bargie: It all - yeah.
Dar: -it’s like filling up inside of me - it’s just like bouncing around - it really makes a lot of sense.
AJ: It’s resonating with me too - let’s lock and load guys - let’s get goin.
[Laser Gun-Racking and Charging SFX]
C-53: AJ - what are you locking and loading constantly?
Pleck: Can I just ask-
AJ: Woo!
Pleck: Sorry AJ - sorry to pull over here but… if you rack your rifle twice, what happens?
AJ: It’s… not on any more [Winston stifles a laugh.] It’s completely off.
Pleck: Oh, so it turns off and on every time?
AJ: Yeah yeah yeah!
Pleck: So that’s why you’ve gotta do it again?
AJ: Yeah…
Pleck: To get it ready.
AJ: To be honest I’ve… forgotten [Winston stifles another laugh] if it’s off or on right now.
C-53: You should know…. which one it is...
AJ: I think… I think it’s pretty good…
Bargie: So during my blue period I like to.. reminisce and look back on old clips that used to bring me joy and… here’s a song that I recorded of me and Beano singing while you guys were on some whatever it is you do - I honestly DO NOT know or care.
Pleck: Bargie, you recorded a song with Beano?
Bargie: Yeah, it’s a pretty classy song. It’s not good… Or it’s great - I do not know.
C-53: That’s a big range.
Bargie: But uh… put on the clip!
Dar: Alright - excited to hear it!
[Clip being queued up chime SFX]
Clip: Beano (singing): Beano wuv beeeein in the staaaars with Baaaaaaaargieeee… (with Baaaaaaaargieeee….).
Bargie (singing accompaniment): ...and Bargie looooove, beeeein in the staaaaars with Beeeanooooooh! (Beeeanoooh!)
Beano (singing): Cause when we look into the sta-a-ars
Bargie (singing): But we’re flyin sooo hiiiiiighiiiiigh.
Beano (singing): Sometimes we find…. That we’re the stars after allllll….
Bargie (singing): The stars are you and me….
Bargie (singing): Beano!
Beano (singing): Bargie!
Bargie (singing): Beano!
Beano (singing): Bargie!
Bargie (singing): Beano!
Beano (singing): Bargie!
Bargie (singing): Beano!
Beano (singing): Bargie!
Pleck: W-wow!
C-53: Sort of part good and part bad I would say.
Pleck: Beano had actually a pretty nice voice. Listen - Bargie - we all miss Beano - I mean, I wuvved Beano as much as anybody!
AJ: Who’s Beano?
C-53: AJ….
Pleck: AJ… Beano -
AJ: I mean who’s -
Pleck: Beano was a special - a special being who - I mean honestly we owe Beano our lives…
AJ: Am I saying - is it ‘Being-O?’ or is it ‘Bean-O?’
C-53: Beano - yeah, the second one.
Dar: It’s Beano.
AJ: Okay. You said - you said it was a -
Dar: It’s Beano.
AJ: -bean…
Dar: Listen – AJ -
AJ: Yeah?
Dar: We know Beano, you no know Beano - okay? So…
Pleck: Yeah you no know Beano.
AJ: Okay, that I get! Okay.
Bargie: But I also feel a lot of guilt because I have more emotion - I feel more - I miss Beano more than I miss my own…son?.... Is that bad???
Pleck: Eh… Bargie - I think you have some stuff to work through…
Bargie: Am I a bad…. Ship?... I’m a bad ship….
Pleck: No - actually - you’re a - you’re a great ship! I get why you’re feeling blue, I mean I’ve been feeling all down myself, you know - the emperor knows our location, and is sending, I mean dozens maybe of assassins after us…. It’s okay to be sad!
Bargie: I feel worse now - you made me rea - WOW.
Dar: I think we’re all a little bummed out.
Pleck: Okay… well…
C-53: Sorta brought the mood down….
AJ: Yeah, I was amped, but now I’m pretty bummed too.
[Incoming Transmission Chime SFX]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operator Nermut Bundaloy.
[Ocean Ambience and Strong Winds]
Pleck: Hey -
Nermut (distressed): Hey - agh - ugh! [strains and grunts]
[Rocks Falling SFX]
Pleck: Nermut - what…. what are you?...
Nermut (straining): Ung - uhhh…
Pleck: What are you doing?...
Nermut (straining): Ahh my exten - my system of extension chords came unloo - un uhh - unhooked, so I - I had to climb down the bottom and back up, and actually uh, no one’s ever scaled this cliff face without ropes.
C-53: Nermut, why would you choose now to call us?
Nermut: Well… I have a mission now. I -
Pleck: Yeah but you coulda just waited till you got back up to the nest to call us.
C-53: ...till you got back up. Or to call us before you went down…
Dar: Gahh - uhh, guys - I have this... Nermut?
Nermut: Yeah?
Dar (Placatingly): You are exemplifying great strength right now.
Nermut: Thank you!
Dar: We are all incredibly impressed-
Nermut: Yessss
Dar:-with your ability to provide -
Pleck: Oh… oh. I see - I see what this is…
C-53: Ohhh…. Okay. Uh-huh - yeah... That makes sense…
Pleck: This is sort of a… sort of a show…
[Dar pulls Pleck and C-53 into a quick aside]
Dar: I would say - just a quick aside with all of you - while he uh… scales that mountain… uhhhh… I’m going to continue to entertain this fantasy of his… but - heh - you all have to kinda help me out a little bit…
C-53: Okay, yeah.
Pleck: Yeah, yeah…yeah
C-53: I could be a part of that.
Pleck: Yeah - Nermut - I’ll say what we’re all thinking -
Nermut: Yeah?
Pleck: - you are a capable provider…
Nermut [sighs, relieved]: Thanks guys!
Dar (appreciatively): Thank you, Pleck.
C-53: Oh I thought that you were gonna say - ‘why don’t you just get a solar panel from the top of the -
Pleck (laughing): Sure, sure.
C-53: - cliff…
Pleck: Well I mean - all the - we were - I will say we were all thinking those things too, but uh…
Nermut: Capable provider - maybe get a solar panel - got it! Okay, so guys, I’m just gonna [grunts] hang out on this outcropping here for a second - whew… Okay, lemme get this paper out - I wrote down the mission from – [labored breathing]
C-53: How’s the Tornata situation?
Nermut: You know, not worse, not better - so still bad. I had never gotten a really close look at their teeth before - one of them yawned near me, and WOW - anyways, guys - alright, I was scrolling through the missionator databases and I found an amazing civilization for us to visit, okay?
Pleck: Okay.
Nermut: Alright. This planet… is named… Nal-Kaa.
Pleck: Nal-Kaa?... Okay.
Nermut: Does that ring a bell?
AJ (confidently): Does to me!
Nermut: Maybe, AJ - do you know the Nal-Kaa… K-Fighers?
AJ: Yeah, the K-Fighters were a real uhhh… were one of the most efficient fighters in the entire galaxy -
Nermut: Yes!!!
AJ: - we had to quash them - I lost a lot of good uhhh - a lot of good clones.
Nermut: Well, on the flip side - Nal-Kaa was extremely efficient at destroying C.L.I.N.T.s
[Laser Gun Cocking and Charging SFX]
AJ (yelling): Take it BACK!
Nermut: - don’t -
Pleck: AJ, if you shoot the holo it doesn’t… it doesn’t shoot
C-53: Yeah, nothing will-
Pleck: Yeah it doesn’t shoot
AJ: Lock and load!!
Pleck: Okay!
AJ: Oh, wait - nope…
C-53: It was on and now it’s -
AJ: It’s off now.
Nermut [slightly frustrated]: Awww… I dropped my extension chord… [sighs] oh boy… so - Nal-Kaa K-Fighters are the most efficient fighter ships in the whole galaxy - it was used to great effect by the rebellion.
Pleck: The K-ship was the ship that blew up the original…uhh.. Planet Crusher.
Nermut: Absolutely!
C-53: Yeah, the K-Fighter - extremely well known for its distinctive K-shape.
Pleck: Yeah.
Nermut: Yes. Cause they - that wing that goes vertically from the top and bottom and the two-angled up ones and no wings on the -
C-53: Right, the two angled up ones -
AJ: Yeah, we all - we all know what a K looks like - we all can read.
Nermut: Oh…
AJ: So…
Nermut: Uhh…
Dar: Yes. We all can read.
[Dar pulls Pleck and C-53 into a quick aside]
Dar: Guys, quick aside - I also think we should continue to be a little supportive of AJ’s fantasy here.
Pleck: You’re right.
C-53: Okay, yeah. If we’re indulging fantasies, let’s indulge another one.
Nermut: ...And get this - the reason they’re mass-produced so well is because they’re not sentient… and so they can be controlled by-
Bargie: - WOW - that was… rude…
Nermut: No - you know what I mean -
Bargie: One of the best things is that they’re not really alive.
Nermut (exasperated): No - I didn’t - no…
Bargie: Soon you’ll just be mass producing a bunch of non-sentient spaceships -
Nermut (exasperated): -No – I -
Bargie: - it’d be hard if they had a voice and thoughts of their own -
C-53: Bargie - you have to think of this from a practical perspective - it’s much easier to get untalented Tellurian labor to pilot a ship than it is to create a… you know an AI core to become both the pilot and the personality of the ship.
Pleck: Yeah. All you need is a - all you need is a pilot and an astrogation droid.
Nermut (excited): Guys, and uh - I have it on good authority, um - that the residents of Nal-Kaa will be receptive to our message! I actually messaged with them!
Pleck: You messaged with them?
Nermut: This is a case where they know you’re coming. Isn’t that crazy?
C-53: And they’ll be… happy to see us?
Nermut: Yes!
Dar: Wow, actually - yeah - that is kinda crazy.
C-53: That’s a little unusual for us, yeah.
Nermut: I mean, it’s rare but uh-
Pleck: Now Nermut - are they aware that we don’t - don’t have any money to buy a fleet of ships?
Nermut: I… said that to them. And they were like, ‘Let’s. Do. Business!’
Pleck: O…kay…
Nermut: They just - they liked the vibe of - of the communication - they wanna get in on our movement against the emperor -
Pleck: - Okay.
Nermut: And so they - they said ‘-you are-’ and I quote: ‘most incredibly welcome.’
[Ambient ocean-bird SFX]
C-53: They said -
Pleck and C-53, simultaneously: ‘most incredibly welcome’???
Nermut: ‘Most incredibly welcome’.
Pleck: That seems over-eager.
C-53: That’s WAY too many intensifiers.
Pleck: Yeah…
Nermut: I dunno… It seems like they’re really into us.
Pleck: Yeah that - I don’t - it makes me nervous honestly -
C-53: Yeah…
Nermut: Eh… I dunno! Guys - I’m gonna send you the coordinates - by which I mean I’m gonna hold this piece of paper up close to the camera that I’ve written it on.
C-53: Okay - I can pull those coordinates - okay.
Nermut: I’m climbing back down to get the extension chord-
C-53: Nermut, you’re gonna-
Nermut: Gahh - unnng - ahhh
[Rock falling and crashing SFX]
Pleck: Nermut, I feel like every time you call you’ve got more goin on and-
Nermut: - listen - so - life’s crazy right?
Pleck: Yeah… I just feel like you know - if you could-
Nermut: Isn’t life su - waoahhhhhhh-
[Nermut falls and grunts]
Pleck: Oh wow…
Nermut: I fell a little, but I caught myself.
Pleck: Alright - we’ll see you later Nermut.
C-53: Yeah…
Nermut: Buh-byeeee!!
[Transmission Ending SFX]
Pleck: You know guys - I mean, I gotta say… you know, if we’re gonna try to take down a planet crusher crusher - uhhh - we’re gonna need some fighter ships.
AJ: Sounds like this is a real Code Blue. Let’s DO THIS! Let’s lock and load baby!!
[Laser Gun Cocking and Charging SFX]
C-53: So many locks on that blaster - I don’t know how you’re ever gonna unlock it!
AJ: Uh… it’s uh…
C-53: It’s pretty locked up.
AJ: It’s pretty locked up right now.
[Zyxx orchestra music plays]
Advertisement: Unknown Droid: One new message - no encryption detected.
Ted Ronka: Heyyy your excellency! Ted Ronka here! Ronka Cybernetics Corporation Limited! I just wanted to let you know that these enforcer droids are just flying off the assembly line, and they’ll be on their way to you via Ronka-brand autonomous freighter in the next 24 hours! And good-golly, I never seen so many roticulating laser cannons in all my life! And as you know - I invented the Rosh-darned things! Hehh-heh! When I started Ronka Cybernetics corporation 42 years ago with a plasma wrench, a couple of circuit boards, and a prayer to the Good Rodd above - I had one mission! To be the best Rosh-darned sex-bot and shoot’em-up droid supplier I could be! I never dreamed that I’d be stamping my signature on G-series enforcer droids for the leader of the free galaxy for Pete’s sake! What an honor!. And I just wanna say - I’m not much for politics. Long as every day folks have their regular freedoms, you’re alright by me. A cube in every humidifier and a sex bot under every sofa bed - that’s the galactic dream! And as far as I’m concerned - you’re making this crazy cluster of stars a better place! Pardon my Juntawa, but Juck the federated alliance is all I have to say! Whoever you’re planning on shooting a few laser holes in is probably asking for it. And it goes without sayin’ - everyone of those kill bots comes with the Ronka guarantee: you feed them a few pancakes and they WILL NOT rest until they’ve hunted down every last one of your enemies, blasted their guts against the wall, and pissed oil all over their sorry Rosh-dang corpses. That’s the Ronka promise! Annnywhistle… Thanks again for your business, and for this obscenely large and deadly order! You take care now! And my regards to your beeeeaauuuuutiful family!
Unknown Droid: Message deleted.
[Static SFX]
[Zyxx Orchestra]
INTERIOR, Factory on Planet Nal-Kaa.
Pleck: Wow, this factory is enormous… I mean I guess if you’re gonna build thousands of fighters you’ve gotta have a pretty big facility.
C-53: Yeah. No kidding.
Dar: They’re just working everywhere - all around us - heh ha!
Pleck: Yeah well, you know, I mean this is a live factory floor - I didn’t know that the hangar bay was gonna be right next to the - the action, you know?
Dar: Yeah… You know - maybe just in the interest in protecting uh… you know, two for the price of one, I’m just gonna grab one of…. these… and… urgh ungg-
Pleck: Oh wow…
C-53: Dar, are you gonna be able to move around under that hard-hat?
Dar: Well if I just push at the front of it…see look. I’m - I’m shuffling along. If I run into anything, just - just holler-
C-53: Okay.
Dar: -hm that’s antithetical to the whole ‘protecting myself…’ Yell before I run into anything.
C-53: Alright, I will-
Pleck: Okay
C-53: - I will keep an eye out. But speaking of playing it safe, we probably want to be on our best diplomatic behavior - AJ…
AJ (softly): Woo!
C-53: To begin negotiations with the Nalkens.
AJ: Alright, let’s do it!
[Can crushing SFX]
C-53: Uh, okay.
AJ: Diplomacy!!
Forewoman Moujan: You there! You there! Ohh good, you’re here!
Pleck: Oh!
Forewoman Moujan: Ohhh - thank RODD you are here.
Pleck: Ah, yes…
Forewoman Moujan: WOW!
Pleck: We are happy to-
Forewoman Moujan: Let me kiss your feet. I’m kissing-
Pleck: Oh, that’s not…
C-53: Ah that’s…
Dar: Oh that’s…
[Vigorous Slurping SFX]
Dar: You’ve crossed the line of kissing-
Forewoman Seth: They’re here!
Dar: -you’ve crossed the line of kissing.
Forewoman Winston: They’re here! Everyone, they’re here!
Forewoman Seth: Here here!
Pleck: Uh… thank you, thank you. Uh um - I’m Zima Knight, Pleck Decksetter - this is-
Forewoman Moujan: We KNOW!
Forewoman Seth: Let me massage your arm!
Pleck: Okay - that’s - I don’t-
Forewoman Seth: Ahh, here’ we go.
C-53: I’m a - droid - you’re not really getting anything…
Forewoman Winston: Oh don’t mind.
AJ: Get real deep in there - that feels good.
Pleck: Hey - listen, we - uh, the - this isn’t necessary - we’re actually - we’re actually here to enlist your help.
Dar: Uhh, Pleck, come on - don’t look a gift flarn in the mouth.
Forewoman Seth: Oh, look at you down there! Yes, here - have a-
Forewoman Moujan: It’s so nice of you to say that you’re enlisting our help when in fact you’ll be helping us SO much - isn’t that right?
Forewoman Seth: Yes
Forewoman Moujan: Ohhhh wowwww.
Forewoman Winston: Yes, you’ll be helping us SO much.
[More kissing sounds]
Pleck: Okay. Alright, well uh-
Forewoman Seth: Of course I’m sure you’ve heard about our uh, amazing, available fleet of K-Fighters?
C-53: You have a fleet of K-Fighters ready to go?
Forewoman Seth: Oh absolutely - Jeffinold - open up the - open up the garage door!
Jeffinold: I will!
Forewoman Seth: There you see them! Look into that gar-age.
C-53: Gooood Rodd… How many fighters is that?
Forewoman Seth: Oh… I would say a thousand - two?
Forewoman Moujan: A thousand and two!!
Forewoman Seth: Yes.
Forewoman Moujan: Now there’s only this many of you - I thought there was more, but it - that’s fine. Honestly, whatever. We’ll take whatever - HAHA. OOOOHHHHHHHH
Forewoman Winston: Wonderful - wonderful
Forewoman Moujan: Now take your time - okay? Take your time - take all the time you need, as long as you get the job done - We. Will. Be. Happy.
C-53: Uhh, I’m sorry-
Pleck: Yeah.. I gotta stop you right there - when you say ‘The Job,’ what ‘Job’ are you referring to?
Forewoman Moujan: The Job!
Forewoman Seth: All of these K-Fighters ARE yours-
Forewoman Moujan: The Job!
Forewoman Seth: - immediately - right now, after you do the thing.
Forewoman Winston: The job we talked about with Nermut!
Pleck: Oh, okay…
C-53: Let’s pretend that we didn’t get a download on that… job…
Pleck: Yeah, Nermut was sort of busy when he called, so he didn’t really fill us in on all of the details…
Forewoman Moujan: We need to talk about Kevin.
Forewoman Winston: That’s the job - Kevin!
Pleck: I’m sorry… Kevin?
Forewoman Moujan: Ohhh Kevin…
C-53: Is that just a… person on your planet?
Forewoman Seth: Yes…
Forewoman Moujan: Wow… I guess you could say it’s a person.
Forewoman Winston: Kevin is a giant blob monster who is just gobbling up Nal-Kaans.
Forewoman Seth: Right.
Forewoman Moujan: I mean just open up the window - there it is.
Forewoman Winston:: There he is!
Pleck: Oh my Rodd
C-53: Oh, wow - that’s… how far away is that?
Forewoman Seth: Farther than you’d think.
C-53: I’m guessing about 3 miles?
Forewoman Seth: Nope - longer.
Forewoman Moujan: So we need you to - long story short - destroy kevin.
C-53: Oh… I - I’m not-
Forewoman Seth: Squish - squish that big… slab…
Forewoman Moujan: Squish that Kevin! Annnd thennnn-
AJ: Let’s do this!
[Laser Gun Cocking and Charging SFX]
Let’s lock and load!
Forewoman Seth: I like the enthusiasm.
Pleck: Al - alright - listen, um - uh-
Forewoman Seth: Take one more gander at these… ships.
C-53: Those are beautiful K-fighters.
Pleck: I-I - I’m sorry - a-are - are you the foreman of this factory? What is your position here?
Forewoman Moujan: …Four women.
Pleck: Okay.
Winson: We’re the four women of the factory!
Forewoman Moujan: Woowwww
Forewoman Seth: How dare you.
Pleck: Oh, you’re the four women - but there’s only three of you.
C-53: F.O.R.E.
Forewoman Winston: But also we used to be four. And then Kevin ate one.
Forewoman Seth: Yes.
C-53: Oh… My Rodd. I’m so sorry…
Forewoman Winston: Ate Klarrissar.
Forewoman Seth: Right.
C-53: Oh. So you were the four forewomen.
Forewoman Winston: It’s been hard for us too, because usually Klarris-ar explains it all. And now we have to!
C-53: Well we’re happy to do a favor for four forewomen of the factory.
AJ: Hey can I do an aside with you guys real quick?
Pleck: Uhh… sure AJ.
AJ: I’ve been psyched to kill something and for the entire time we’ve been working we haven’t really done it - so let’s… do this.
Pleck: Ah, well I will say this AJ - this is a planet that their whole job is to make fighters - and if they can’t kill Kevin, I-I-I don’t think - I don’t think your blaster rifle’s gonna be-
AJ: -LET’S DO THIS-
[Laser Gun Cocking and Charging SFX]
Pleck: …Okay, alright. This is-.
Forewoman Moujan: Oh no! Kevin’s knocking on our window…
C-53: Ohhh boy.
Pleck: Oh… uhhh.
C-53: Guess he wants us to open this window.
[Window opening SFX]
Pleck: Kevin!
Kevin: Hey!! Hey!!
Pleck: Hey Kevin, uhh…
Kevin: Hey you guys got any milk?
Pleck: …Milk?
C-53: Uh….
Kevin: Do you guys got any milk?
Pleck: No…
C-53: As far as we know, no?...
Kevin: Alright - i’m just - I’m just trying to make a omelette - I just need something to fluff it up, like a… like a milk or a cream…
Dar: don’t know if it’s my current size, but this blob is …MASSIVE.
Pleck: Yes, it’s very-
Kevin: WOAH.
Pleck: -very large…
Kevin: Okay… Um… rude much? Hehe-ha
Dar: Listen, I’ve been there - I get it - I do -
Kevin: I mean, I guess I’m big… Uh… but as far as blobs go… you know… I’m normal.
Forewoman Moujan: See? You must destroy Kevin! Kevin is ruining this planet.
Kevin: Excuse me, excuse me. Either you have cream or milk or you don’t, and I will move on.
Forewoman Moujan: Oh, and that voice…
Kevin: Everyone here is… so rude to me.
Pleck: Kevin-
Kevin: -SO rude.
Pleck: Kevin-
C-53: They do seem a little rude.
Pleck: Listen - Kevin, can we - can we actually, uh - we’re inside this hangar bay - let’s just talk face to face, er… face to blob! You know? Is that okay?
Kevin: Alright.
Pleck: Alright.
Kevin: I’m cool with that.
Pleck: Okay, I guess we’ll just exit this hangar bay.
[Crew walking SFX]
Kevin: Yeah, do that.
[Hangar Bay Door Opening SFX]
[Crew walking SFX]
EXTERIOR, Hangar Bay.
[Sirens Wailing in Distance SFX]
Pleck: Wow…
C-53: This is… much larger than I’d anticipated. There are full office buildings in there.
Pleck: Yeah, this is… this blob has been consuming pieces of this planet for - for, looks like a while…
C-53: I mean… how many Nal-Kaans are in there?
Pleck: It’s just… an enormous, gelatinous mass…
Kevin: Excuse me… Excuse me…
C-53: Oh, uh…
Kevin: Excuse me… Excuse me.. I don’t look at you and say ‘Look how tiny and pink you are,’ cause that’s rude - okay?
C-53: That’s true.
Pleck: Actually - actually people do say that to me a lot.
Kevin: And you know what? That’s terrible. I’m sorry that happens to you.
Pleck: Yes! Thank you! Yes, thank you Kevin!
Kevin: Okay! Yeah!
Pleck: No, I-
Kevin: -and people are always looking at me like, ‘Oh my Rodd, he’s a massive blob.’ ‘Oh my Rodd, he ate my whole family.’ …And I’m like, ‘Excuse me - I’m a blob, okay?
Pleck: Yeah.
Kevin: Please treat me with the same respect that you would treat… other blobs. It’s difficult bein’ this big!
Pleck: I dunno, Kevin - is it possible to like - I dunno, like, squeeze a couple families out? If they want…
Kevin: I can’t just - I can’t just immediately squeeze out a whole family! I’ve eaten SO many families.
C-53: Is it mainly a… classification problem? Like you’re not sure how to squeeze out a family that they want you to squeeze out?
Kevin: You know, when you get this big it’s hard to maneuver.
Pleck: Sure.
C-53: Sure.
Kevin: Alright?
AJ: Hey - uh…
Kevin: And - I’m just - I’m just honest about it.
AJ: Kevin… uh - this is just a quick Q from me - uh… AJ - have you thought about, you know, exercise or something?
Pleck: AJ… That’s not…
AJ: I’m worried about your health
Pleck: I don’t think…
Kevin: OH, okay!! Hahaha wow…Exercise?...
Pleck: I mean, you traveled 3 miles in like a minute…
Kevin: I’m generating so much energy every time I grow. I do beginners level space pilates - I’ve just gotten into that.
Pleck: Uh huh, uh huh.
Kevin: And truly, the more I work out - the bigger I get…
Pleck: Yeah...
C-53: Yeah.
Pleck: I mean I don’t really know how Blob physiology works, but that - that makes sense. I mean-
Kevin: And it’s rough goin’ to gyms! You know?
Pleck: Sure, sure.
Kevin: Cause every gym I go to, I inhale.
C-53: You just absorb it right away.
Kevin: Yeah! And people say ‘Don’t come! Don’t come to the gym!’ and I’m like ‘My health matters too.’
Pleck: Listen, Kevin - I-I-I feel like you’re - I feel like you’re just a blob tryin to get by, you know?
Kevin: Thank you!!!
Pleck: Yeah!
Kevin: That’s what I’ve been telling these warmongerers… the whole time!
Pleck: Can I just ask you, Kevin? H-how did you come to be on this planet?
C-53: Are you a blob native to Nal-Kaa?
Kevin: I’m not native to Nal-Kaa.
C-53: Okay.
Kevin: Ummm… I’m from Zorgan VI. When I was back home, there wasn’t a lot of people - it was just a lot of wasteland! So I was feelin’ lonely - I was like no one - I need interaction. I need people. And also there’s just alike a general calling in most blobs to - to find life - and also do you know what?
C-53: Yeah, and absorbo it, right?
Kevin: Woah woah woah woah woah woah!!! Absorb it? I’m trying to make a connection.
C-53: Okay - that’s
Kevin: Okay?
C-53: You know what, that’s on me, that’s - I’m not being fair.
Dar: Kevin, I tooooootally get what you’re saying right now-
Kevin: I’m sorry - who’s saying this?
Dar: Oh.
Pleck: Oh sorry - this is Dar.
Dar: Down here! I’m underneath the white hat.
Kevin: Oh my goodness! Are you a hat?
C-53: No… here - let’s move the hat.
Dar: I’m not a hat - I’m sorry - I should probably move this.
AJ: Yeah lemme just-
Kevin: Okay - you woulda been my first sentient hat…
Dar: Well I was gonna say - I-I-I totally relate - I’m also - I have life inside of me right now too, so-
Kevin: Ahh
Dar: -it’s like, everything you’re saying, I’m like ‘Yesssss, yessssss yesssss.’
Kevin: How many? Sixteen-hundred? Thirty?
Dar: Oh ummm - jus-just one. Just one.
Kevin (patronizingly): Oh just one. That cuuuute.
Dar: One singular sentient being.
Kevin (patronizingly): That’s adorable. I love that.
Pleck: W-well I mean Dar, I mean it’s a little different - you’re growing a new being and, you know, Kevin has sort of engulfed thousands of existing people.
Kevin: First of all, you know, these people are growing inside of me because they’re also feeding off of nutrients that I generate, so, um, technically they’re not dead - it’s sort of like a symbiotic thing where-
C-53: Okay -
Kevin: - I feed off of them and they feed off of me and they live forever because I don’t wan - I’m not trying to kill anyone.
Pleck: Yeah, the thing is that when I look at the bodies inside of you, I’m sort of see - they’re kind of translu-lucent, their like - bones are separated a little bit. To me, and I, again, I-I totally get that I don’t have like the cultural perspective I need - but they look like they’re being digested.
Kevin: You just don’t like the way they look now - and I’m like - what I’m telling you is, is that they’re the happiest they’ve ever been.
Pleck: Okay.
Random Dog Walk-on: Bark bark, bark bark, bark.
Pleck: Oh no…
[MONSTROUS GOBBLING NOISES]
Pleck: Oh Rodd.
C-53: I don’t feel good about this.
AJ: I’m gonna say something that-
[Muffled animal cry of swallowed dog]
AJ: Listen - uh, I’m not blobbist… in fact some of my best friends are blobs.
C-53 (admonishingly): No…
Pleck (awkwardly): Okay…
Dar (skeptically): Mmmm
Kevin (offended): This is - all - this is…
AJ: What I was gonna say is… have you tried not being a blob?
Pleck: Okay…
AJ: Have you tried that?
Pleck: No…
C-53: AJ…
Pleck: That’s not…
AJ: What?... I’m not blobbist…
Dar: AJ - I have for you right now…
AJ: -I’m not blobbist.
Dar: … a boooook - that you could read - if you wanna go reeeeead… in the corner over there and show all of us what a good reeeeader you are.
AJ: Yeah well I can read so I might as well. I’m just gonna go read in the corner.
Pleck: Cool, thanks AJ.
AJ: -because I can!
C-53: We’re gonna ask you about the book later, so read well!
AJ: Are you?... Great…
Dar: Yep, here’s this big SHINY BOOK GO GET IT!!!
[Book Being Thrown SFX]
AJ: I will!
[Running Away SFX]
AJ: Yaaaaaaay (getting quieter as AJ runs after book).
Pleck: Oh boy…
Kevin: Wow, so that idiot can’t read? Is that what that situation is?
C-53: Yeah, basically, yeah, we’re sort of-
Dar: He-he wants to read - he wants to be able to read - it’s just, it’s hard. Y’know?
Kevin: Yeah!
C-53: And I think if he just admitted that-
Dar: -cause he can’t.
C-53: -he couldn’t read, we would help him learn…
Pleck: Yeah. I mean, it’s tough when you skip your whole childhood, when you come out with armor on.
C-53: Sure.
Forewoman Moujan: Hey did you destroy yet?
Kevin: Stop trying to destroy me!
Forewoman Moujan: Stop eating our people!!!
Forewoman Winston: Stop eating everyone!
Kevin: Wowwww. Wow.
Dar: To be fair, they approached Kevin. It’s not like Kevin is seeking them out.
C-53: Yeah, that’s true.
Pleck: Now, Kevin - lemme just ask a couple questions - what if you don’t absorb people - what happens then?
Kevin: I mean… [sighs] I’ve never not absorbed people…
Pleck: Sure, sure…
Kevin: Y’know? And you know what? That’s a really good question - no one’s ever asked me that question - who am I if I’m not absorbing?
Pleck: Yeah. I mean, are you a blob at all?
Kevin: Am I blob at all? And do I have to be a blob?
Pleck: Yeah, yeah.
Kevin: Y’know - do I have to be this person that they label me as?
Pleck: Mhmm. Mhmm.
Kevin: Do I have to be that?
Pleck: Yeah.
Kevin: Umm… I dunno… Wow…
Dar: No!! Of course not! You don’t have to be the thing that they think you are. You have to be the blob that you think you are, Kevin.
Kevin: Thank you! You know what? That’s true! [validated sigh]
AJ: Book finished. Locked and loaded!
[Laser Gun Cocking and Charging SFX]
AJ: Taking the blob down. Single handedly.
Pleck: AJ, please put the blaster-
[ BLASTER RIFLE SHOTS FIRE x4]
AJ: Woo!!!
Pleck: No, AJ - AJ - NO!
[Blaster Rifle Clicking Empty SFX]
Kevin: Oh my goodness… Please stop…
AJ (being lifted into the air by Kevin): Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[MONSTROUS GOBBLING NOISES]
Pleck: Okay, alright.
Dar: Well that was unexpected.
Pleck: Okay, listen - Kevin-
Kevin (annoyed): Ughh.
C-53: Oh, wow. Uhh…
Pleck: You know - we were having a good conversation there but-
Kevin: We were!
Pleck: -we are gonna need AJ back.
Kevin: Well - I’m telling you right now that he’s in a much better place. Okay? Cause that energy - was bad. Can we all agree on that?
Pleck: I mean - I might-
C-53: I’m not gonna fight you on that
Pleck: I’m with you on that one Kevin-
C-53: But…
Kevin: Yeah.
Pleck: AJ - AJ doesn’t know how to read the room - he doesn’t know how to read at all, but he’s our f - he’s our friend, he’s our crewmate, and y’know - we-we… can’t really leave him behind.
Dar: But most of all, I’m definitely gonna want that book back, because that was actually mine, and I’m only three-quarters of the way through it.
Kevin: Oh I’m sorry lemme - lemme give that back-
[MONSTROUS RETCHING NOISES FOLLOWED BY FLOOD OF VOMIT SFX]
Regurgitated Dog: Bark bark bark bark!
Dar: Nope, that is not a book - that is a dog.
Pleck: That’s a dog, yeah.
Kevin: Ahhh - I have so many dogs. It’s wild. Uhhh lemme just-
[MONSTROUS RETCHING NOISES FOLLOWED BY LOUD THUD SFX]
A cacophony of dogs: BARK BARK BARK, BARK BARK!
C-53: Oh wow
Kevin: Okay…
C-53: -that was a whole pound.
Kevin: Right. Alright, uh, lemme just-
[WIGGLING GELATINOUS NOISES FROM KEVIN’S BODY SFX]
[MONSTROUS RETCHING AND A LIGHT THUD SFX]
A small pack of wild dogs: Arf arf arf arf arf arf!
Kevin: Okay… well.... I’ll find it later.
Dar: No, sure - I-I mean it’s fine, it’s not like I wanna know what happens between the scullery maid and the vicor, it’s fine, it - I don’t, I-I’m - I bet I could guess… hehe.
Pleck: Yeah, Kevin - the-the book is sorta less important than our teammate AJ…
Kevin: Okay cool, and I already sense that he’s a good person, because he’s part of me now - and like he does have a good heart - he’s a big ol’ dummy, okay? And he has anger issues-
C-53: Yeah he’s real dumb - yeah.
Kevin: Okay?
C-53: He’s pretty - pretty aggro.
Kevin: And maybe he’s angry because he’s sad?
Dar: Aww - really? You think so?
Kevin: Yeah - when I absorb someone, a part of them is reflected in me and a part of me is reflected in them - it’s a very beautiful thing - and it’s also a very gross thing, because it is messy in here, okay? Just a little bit-
Pleck: You kinda have to disassemble each person to kinda get all of their nutrients.
Kevin: Yeah… If I’m gonna have to really understand them and get their nutrients I’mma have to disjoint… some people.
Pleck: Sure.
Kevin: You know?
Pleck: Sure.
Kevin: And they don’t feel it - they don’t feel it by the way…
C-53: You’re saying people don’t feel that and they enjoy that experience?
Kevin: Oh yeah. Cause I’m - cause I’m already in their neurosystem, so… ‘bye-bye pain’ *awkward chuckle*.
C-53: Okay.
Pleck: Okay - alright. I feel like, I n - I want AJ to be with us, out here - I know it’s harder for us to connect with him that way - I wanna be able to convince you, Kevin, to let AJ go.
Kevin: I think that’s fair. I think that’s fair. You guys have been really c-
Pleck: Really?
Kevin: Yeah! I mean, most of the time when I suck up someone’s friend, they wanna attack me - and you guys have been pretty chill.
Dar: Well, also, in all fairness, AJ’s the only one of us who has a - a blaster. So…
Pleck: Th-that’s true.
Kevin: That is fair. That’s fair.
Can’t really attack you.
Kevin: I’m sorry, where are you? I lost you.
Dar: I know - I - I’m down here!
Kevin: Oh okay!
Dar: I’m in the fourth octomester, so…
Pleck: You could probably take that hat off Dar.
Kevin: Yeah… Alright, well I’m gonna shit out your friend real quick. Okay?
Pleck: Okay.
Kevin: Back up.
AJ (yelling as he gets shat out): Woooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!
[MONSTROUS REGURGITATION SFX]
[THUD SFX as AJ hits the Ground]
AJ (through labored breathing): Ahhh-
Another Regurgitated Dog: Bark bark bark. Bark!
AJ : Woah - get outta here!
Pleck: AJ!
[DOG WHINE SFX]
Pleck: AJ! Are you alright?
AJ: Why what - w-why did you make me leave?
Pleck: What do you mean?
C-53: AJ - you got absorbed by the blob-
AJ: It was amazing!
Pleck: We s - we saved your life!
AJ: It was warm. Perfect temp. At first I was angry - and then I was like ‘So many gyms here!’
Pleck: Gyms?
AJ: There are so many gyms - there are gyms everywhere!
Pleck: Yeah he uhh - yeah…he’s-
AJ: People seem pretty happy.
C-53: Uhh… I can see a couple through the - yeah-
AJ: You haven’t been inside of it.
Pleck: He’s trying to visit several gyms.
AJ: It was amazing. Hey - bro?
Kevin: Yeah bro?
AJ: Blobro?
Kevin: Bro?
AJ: Thank you. Thank you! That was amazing.
Kevin: Namaste!
Forewoman Moujan: Hey! Did you - did you kill it yet?
AJ (defiantly): No. We haven’t.
Pleck: Listen, we’re - we’re working on it, we’re just - we’re trying to reach an understanding.
AJ: Listen! You guys don’t get it. It’s amazing in there. If you don’t believe me - there’s somebody that you I think will believe. Kevin - you gotta bring her out.
Kevin: Alright…
Pleck: AJ - how do you - how do you know this?
AJ: Because we’re all connected in Kevin.
Pleck: AJ, who’re you talking about?
AJ: I’m talking about Klahriss-Uh.
[SQUELCHING SFX]
C-53: The fourth forewoman?
AJ: That’s right.
[SQUELCHING SFX Continue]
[Loud Thud SFX]
Kevin (relieved, having just relieved himself): Ahhhh.
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh (in a daze): Ahh - what? Where… I’m back? Oh… Sucks….
Forewoman Winston: Klahriss-Uh! Klahriss-Uh, you’re back!
Forewoman Seth: So??
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: I don’t wanna be back… This SUCKS!! Awww, it SUCKS out here!!
Forewoman Winston: You’ve escaped that nasty blob! Please, explain!
Forewoman Seth: Explain it all!
Forewoman Winston: Explain all of it!
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh (In thick valley girl accent): Let me explain everything. You guys - it’s amazon’ in there -
Forewoman Seth: What?
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: -like - it’s like havin’ a blanket on yaaa…
Forewoman Winston: What?
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: In the factory we just egZEST! Like - it’s really amazing.
Forewoman Winston: Are you saying there’s a UBI? That there’s a universal blob income???
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: Yeah!!! It’s just like - peace - no judgment - like we are all in a blob, and we're just ECKWAL
Forewoman Winston: Whaaat?
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: Stop talking - literally shut up - because YES - we should all go inside of the blob!
Forewoman Winston: Never!
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: Literally! Yester’ I went do a gemmm (gym) and another gym, and another gym, and then went to a spaaaa.
Forewoman Winston: We’re not convinced.
Forewoman Seth: Klarrisuh - you know it is HRRRRIIIIIIGHT and that you must come back to the factory.
Forewoman Winston: You do know what is ‘hrrrright!’ But unless… Decksetter-
Pleck: Uh - y-yes?
Forewoman Winston: C-53!
C-53: Yes?
Forewoman Seth: Old hat.
Forewoman Winston: And you! Old hat! You must let us know whether or not it is preferable. We cannot trust KLAHRISS-UH!!
AJ: I’ve… been in there - I don’t know why anyone’s not taking my word for it…
Pleck: I mean it just seems like -
Dar: It’s just that we can’t really tell how it affected you, AJ…
AJ: Well it uhh… helped me learn how to read.
Pleck: You can - wait, you can read now?
AJ: I read ‘Bodices of Fire. I read the whole thing.
[Pages being flipped through SFX]
Dar: [Gasps, extremely proud] Oh he did! He really did!
Pleck: Wait, AJ! How did you learn how to read?
AJ: I mean I went into Kevin, and everybody there knew how to read, and then all of the sudden I knew how to read.
Pleck (confused): What are you talking about?...
AJ: Well - Papa-
[Page Turning SFX]
AJ: Each letter… stands for a different sound. And when you put all the sounds together, they make words-
Pleck (frustrated): No, I know what reading is-
AJ: Oh, right.
Pleck: The - the other part. What do you mean you were connected to the other people in Kevin?
AJ: Uhh I dunno. I just know how to read. The Vicar did finally ravish the Scullery Maid.
Dar (upset): Ohhhhh - spoiler!!! I wasn’t at the end yet…
AJ: I mean, that’s the reason you read it - I mean you know it’s going to happen, right?
Dar: There’s a lot of build up to it - I - and it’s the second in the series, okay?
Kevin: I just feel very iced out of this conversation.
C-53: Okay.
Kevin: And I’m surprised that like-
AJ: Yeah.
Pleck: Sorry.
Kevin: I’m here, you’re in my house, and you’re just like-
Pleck: I’m sorry, Kevin - Listen - I just think that the only way we’re gonna get past this standoff… is if we go inside and report back.
[Sirens wailing SFX]
Kevin: Yeah…
C-53: Could we… come inside?
Pleck: Just briefly.
Kevin: [Clicks tongue] Sure.
[MORE MONSTROUS GOBBLING SFX]
INTERIOR, Kevin.
[MUFFLED INTERNAL BUBBLING SFX]
Pleck: Wow…
C-53: Wow… It is relaxing in here.
Pleck: I gotta say, this is… nice!
C-53: I feel… incredible!
Pleck: And… you know - I - I get what Kevin was saying - like, I understand all of you. AJ, I feel like I-I know your memories! I know what it was like to be a C.L.I.N.T.!
AJ: Yeah! It was - yeah, I mean - it’s hard bein’ the best of them.
C-53: Hmm… I also know what it’s like to have a distant relationship with my dad - a tube of blue liquid.
Pleck: Yeah it’s-
C-53: That’s tough!
Pleck: -hard! I feel like I know what it’s like for my consciousness to be… a cube!
AJ: And I feel like I know what it’s like to be in my fourth octomester.
C-53: Kevin - is everyone inside of you connected this way?
Kevin: Uhh, yes. Because I am technically… siphoning off of everyone’s neurosystems. So… it kinda just like… meshes into a - and I hesitate to say this - like an amorphous blob.
Walk-on Gym Manager: Hey everyone, I’m one of… seventeen general managers of a gym. Welcome-!
Pleck: Oh, hey!
C-53: Hey!
Walk-on Gym Manager (breathily): Welcome to Kevinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Pleck: It’s a great gym you’ve got here.
AJ: Anybody else weirded out that it’s only the top half of him that’s floating around?
C-53: Does kinda…
Pleck: Been here a while, huh?
Walk-on Gym Manager (breathily): We’re all the top halves of everybody…
Dar: How do you use the gym?
Walk-on Gym Manager: Mostly just the arms - the arm weights - arm machine-
Pleck: Sure.
Dar: Oh, so it’s arm day.
C-53: Yeah.
Dar: Uh-huh.
C-53: Yeah.
Chill Dogs Floating By: Arf! Arf!
Pleck: Look at all these chill dogs!
Walk-on Gym Manager: This is like a… puppy palace.
AJ: Hmm.
C-53: You can just feel the good will of all these dogs. You know when you meet a dog and you’re like ‘hey - calm down…’ but then you meet another kinda dog and you’re like ‘that’s a chill dog.’
Pleck: I can see why people like dogs here.
Dar: Oh yeah. And you can see yourself with a dog.
C-53: That’s how I feel right now.
Pleck: All of these dogs - and with - with you guys. Guys, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to you as I feel right now.
C-53: Can we… Can we just group hug real quick?
Pleck: I love you guys.
AJ (excited): Let’s do it! Let’s DO it!
Pleck: I even love you AJ!
AJ: …What?
Pleck: And you know what?’
Pleck (emotionally): I miss Beano.
C-53: Yeah. I miss Beano.
AJ: Beano ruled.
Pleck: It almost feels like Beano’s here with us now, you know?
Dar: Mhmm. Beano know.
C-53: If only that were true. But it feels like it’s true, right? And even though… I'm reminded of Beano... I'm reflecting on our good times, you know?
Dar: Yes.
Pleck: Yeah!
C-53: Being in this warm, peach, light feels so rejuvenating.
Unknown Machinery: Bloop bloop bloop.
AJ: It sucks that Bargie’s not here.
Unknown Machinery: Bloop bloop bloop.
Random Walk-on (whispered): Code peach means - ‘keep doin that fuuuuuuuuuuuun stuff
Pleck: Wow, it’s a code peach!
Unknown Machinery: Bloop bloop bloop.
Random Walk-on (whispered): Code peach…
Pleck: Guys-
Two Random Walk-ons in Unison (whispered): -means - ‘keep doin that fuuuuuuuuuuuun stuff’
AJ: Let’s lock and load… our emotions.
C-53: I finally understand what that means.
AJ: Yeah, let’s lock and load guys.
C-53: Let’s lock and load our care for others.
Pleck: You know Kevin - part of me thinks we should - we could stay here forever - but I think it’s time for us to go.
Kevin: Alright. I’m gonna shit you all out, okay?
[LOUD SWIRLING FLUID SFX]
AJ, C-53, and Pleck: Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
EXTERIOR, Kevin.
[SIRENS WAILING IN THE DISTANCE]
Yet Another Regurgitated Dog: Arf!
Dar: That, honestly, was not as shitty as I thought it would be.
Pleck: Even getting shit out was sorta fine.
C-53: You know - even though I’m not connected with y’all - as we were moments before - I feel like I know you all just a little bit better.
Pleck: Guys, listen. Inside Kevin - it’s the best I’ve ever felt. But I realized something in there. The rest of the galaxy is still in trouble, y’know? We can’t just… enter a blob and stay there.
AJ: It’d be amazing just to… just blob around.
Pleck: Yeah.
AJ: But we do - we have a mission.
[Footsteps Approaching SFX]
Forewoman Winston: Well? Whellll???
Forewoman Seth: Wh-
Forewoman Winston: -whelllllllllllll???
Forewoman Seth: Whellll???
Forewoman Winston: Wh-whelllllllllllll???
Forewoman Seth: Kkkkkkkkkkkkkwh-
Forewoman Winston: Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkwhelllllllllllll???
Forewoman Seth: Kkkkkkkkkkkkkwhelllllllllllll???
C-53: Alright.
Pleck: Alright…
C-53: We’re not going to destroy Kevin.
Forewoman Seth: HHHHHWWWHAAAAT?
Forewoman Winston: HHHHHHHHHHWWWHAAAAAAAAT?
Forewoman Seth: KKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHWWWHAAAAAAAAT?
Forewoman Winston: Hwhy??
Forewoman Seth: Hwwhhyyy???
Pleck: We’re not going to destroy Kevin - I’m gonna say it - I think you guys should go in?
Forewoman Winston: Hhhhwhhaaaa?
Forewoman Seth: Whhuuuuuuu?
Forewoman Winston: You think we should let Kevin absorb the entire… planet?
Pleck: Make your own decisions. You gotta go in there and check it out.
Forewoman Seth: Well now that this - this esteemed crew has declared that inside of Kevin is… some sort of oasis… it must be so!
Forewoman Winston: It must be so!
Forewoman Seth: I guess Klahriss-Uh explained it accurately.
Forewoman Winston: Yes, she explained it in totality.
Forewoman Seth: Yes. Everything she said was all of it.
Forewoman Klahriss-Uh: You guys, LITERALLY every-ting inside is AMAUZING.
Forewoman Seth: If Klahriss-Uh thinks it’s amauzing, we should… check it out.
Forewoman Winston: Nay. Nay. Let Kevin absorb the entire planet.
Kevin (increasingly emotionally): Cool! Alright. I’m gonna tell you somethin. When I first - when I first moved here… I was so lonely… I didn’t know if I’d find… a place. And I found a whole planet.
Forewoman Winston (emotionally): Oh now that you’re getting emotional, I’m getting emotional.
Forewoman Moujan (emotionally): I - oh - I - *begins to cry]
Forewoman Seth: Kevin, I want to admit something to you - now that we’re friends - is that… I-I did have milk.
Kevin (emotionally): Oh? Oh my..
Forewoman Seth (emotionally): Here - finish your omelet!
Forewoman Winston: Zima knight Pleck Decksetter, C-53, and Hat!
Pleck: Haha, this is Dar actually - this is still Dar.
C-53: Yeah, just - lemme… lift that. Okay.
Forewoman Winston: Ahh alright.
Forewoman Moujan: Dar and hat of Dar.
Pleck: It’s actually your hat…
Forewoman Winston: When you have a thousand pilots to pilot the fighters, they shall be yours.
C-53: Oh… Umm… Okay.
Pleck: Actually, we’re sorta still kinda in the first stage of kinda building the rebellion.
C-53: I would say we’re recruiting.
Pleck: So… yeah. We’re in the recruiting phase.
Forewoman Winston: Well, as you can see, we’re all slowly being covered by blob, so….
Kevin (enjoying the absorption process): Mmmmmmm…….
C-53: Right.
Dar: You’re being recruited in your own way.
Kevin (enjoying the absorption process): Mmmm…….
[Loud, Gulping SFX]
Forewoman Winston: That’s right.
Pleck: We’re just gonna take off and we’ll be - we’ll be back when we have the pilots.
Forewoman Seth: So waaaaarm and delicious!
Pleck: Uh… Kevin - uh - thank you, for what you’ve shown us today.
Kevin: Oh, no problem guys. Are you guys hungry? I just made some omelets… Just real quick.
Pleck: Hmm…
Kevin: Like, one of you just take a piece.
Pleck: Okay, yeah sure!
[Colossal Blob Setting down a Plate SFX]
Pleck: Okay.
Kevin: Here you go.
Pleck: Wow, fluffy! The milk - the milk really makes the difference!
Kevin: Yes! It makes a difference - that’s - that’s why I wanted it. That’s why - and you know - can I say something? Going to get that milk was the best choice… I made today.
Pleck: Oh wow.
Kevin: Because I met you guys.
C-53: Aww. Oh, Kevin.
Kevin: Yeah.
Pleck: Kevin, you really taught us something about connection and community today. And, you know - even though it sort of goes hand and hand with being devoured and digested over… millennia… uh, y’know, I’m - I’m glad we learned it. From you.
Kevin: You know, I like to think of myself as a ‘community organism,’ you know?
Pleck: Okay, sure, sure.
Dar: Yes.
Pleck: Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin: I bring people together. At first there’s a looooooooot of pushback. But eventually, we move forward. Together.
C-53: Well - Kevin, can we ask you to keep an eye on these one-thousand-and-two fighter ships?
Kevin: No problem baby! I got it!
C-53: Okay.
Kevin: And you know what, when you come back - I’ma make everyone breakfast.
C-53: Oh that’s - well that’s very sweet.
Pleck: Sounds great.
C-53: Sounds great! Okay, I can see you’re creeping toward us… now.
Pleck: Okay haha-
Kevin: What? Oh, sorry - I can’t control that, I’m sorry.
C-53: That’s alright uh…
AJ: Uh… we should go…
Pleck: We gotta go.
C-53: We should get moving.
AJ: Let’s get outta here!
[Zyxx Orchestral Music Plays]
Interior. Bargarean Jade.
C-53: Bargie, I know you’re still feeling a little… down… about Beano, but… we had a really therapeutic experience on Nal-Kaa.
Bargie (still depressed): Yeah…
Pleck: Oh..
Bargie (still depressed): Cool…
Pleck: When we were in Kevin, I just kept thinking about how… I felt more connected to the crew than ever, and… I’d wish you’d been there, y’know? It made me realize, that we’re all just feelin stuff all the time… and you gotta take care of each other.
Bargie: You could feel connected to me now if you want - if, by asking me questions you’ve always wanted to ask but never have. Go ahead.
Pleck: Oh, okay! Yeah! I-I got one! Um… how is it possible for a ship to be sentient?
Bargie: Rude. Very rude question.
Pleck: Okay…
Bargie: Very - next question. Next question.
Dar: Oh. But hey! The lighting changed - now the lighting is Red!
Bargie: I’m angry now. I’m angry. That was a rude question.
Pleck: I’m sorry - lemme - lemme try again.
Bargie: How is it like for a Tellurian to be alive? I don’t know, l you just ar - like, I just ‘is.’
Pleck: Okay. Alright.
Bargie: I is, I am. Next question-
Pleck: Alright.
Bargie: -come on.
Pleck: Listen I’m sorry.
Bargie: What do you want to know?
Pleck: How - how do ships reproduce?
Bargie: WOW!!! You wanna get dirty details? Really?
Pleck: I’ve always wanted to know! I don’t understand - how is it-
Bargie: You’re sick! You’re a sick person!
Pleck: I just don’t know how they reproduce!
C-53: Just go on the infoweb - why are you asking Bargie?
Pleck: Okay - I - just one more question. How is your son, a-an amusement park? I don’t understand how that’s possible. Did he come out as one ride?
Bargie: You know, I was born this way - I’m a cantankerous, angry person - and maybe - maybe I shouldn’t be sad - because it was just - I just, I am who I is. I is who I is. And maybe I should stop taking all these under the counter medications without telling you.
Pleck: Under the counter?
Dar: Ohhh yeah. That would… Uh…
C-53: You’re taking under the counter medication?
Pleck: Under the counter - that’s a wrong direction.
AJ: Papa Decksetter - what a wise thing to replace Bargie’s sadness with anger. Well done.
Pleck: You know - I guess that was sorta what I meant to do.
C-53: Hmm.
Bargie: But also, that was rude. That was another rude, very rude question.
C-53: Bargie, I - I have a question.
Bargie: Yeah?
C-53: Y’know… You’re among friends here-
Bargie: Okay
C-53: -We’re a family… of a sort. What… happened in Hollowood?
Bargie: Wow… Okay. Everyone sitting down?
[Incoming Communication SFX]
C-53: Bargie, I’m so sorry - uhh.. We have an incoming transmission from Master Operations Manager… Nermut Bundaloy.
[Call Connecting SFX]
Nermut: Hey! Guys! How’d it go on Nal-Kaa? Do we have those ships?
Pleck: We do have-
C-53: Uh… technically…
Pleck: We do have access to the ships, we just need-
Dar: A…. thousand and two pilots?
Nermut: Oh… Pilots…
Pleck: And the ability to travel back inside Kevin whenever we need him.
AJ: Yo, you jucked up Nermut.
Nermut: What - what? Whadyoumean?
Pleck: Yeah Nermut, you shoulda told us about Kevin.
AJ: It was a planet-wide blob.
Nermut: No, I’m sure I mentioned that. That was… a pretty big detail.
Dar: No that was a very big detail that you overlooked.
Nermut: I think I would’ve mentioned it…
C-53: Shall I play the callback?
Nermut: No - I... would’ve…
C-53: So you’re saying I’m wrong.
Nermut: No-no-no I’m just saying that-
C-53: You’re saying-
Dar: Ohhhh no, he’s saying that he would have, had he did it.
Nermut: If I had mentioned it I definitely would’ve…
C-53: Yeah… If-if you mentioned it, you definitely would’ve mentioned it.
Nermut: Right.
Pleck: Nermut, I gotta say - y’know, now that we as a crew are a little bit more bonded because of our experience on Nal-Kaa…
Nermut: Yeah.
Pleck: We can, with one voice tell you-
AJ, C-53, Dar, and Pleck in Unison (emphatically): YA JUCKED UP
Bargie: What’re we saying? Who jucked up? Yeah, you all jucked up.
Dar: Ah, no it was to Nermut.
Bargie: You jucked it - you jucked it hard.
Pleck: But you know what Nermut? What I did learn on Nal-Kaa-
Nermut: Yeah?
Pleck: Was that… we can’t live in a blob anymore. We can’t just retreat into our blobs and live in the peach light of a beautiful interconnected community for the rest of our existences
Nermut: Right.
Pleck: Which, inside of a blob could be thousands of years. Uhh - literally or metaphorically - y-y-y’know, we-we all live in the blobs in our mind, y’know?
Nermut: Right.
Pleck: Man, I’m just sayin’-
Dar: Are you taking under-the-counter drugs?
Nermut: Yeah - what’s - are you…
AJ: Bargie. I know you might be down because of Beano, who I now… understand. And now that I’ve connected with all of you, I feel like I can… confidently sing this with Bargie. *Queues up music track]
[Beano and Bargie’s Song from the beginning of episode begins to play without lyrics]
Bargie: …what?
AJ (sung): When you’re out there in the star-arrrs.
Bargie: Am I supposed to sing here?
AJ (sung): And we knowww that we’re goin’ so hiiiiigghh-iiiiiii–iiiiiighhhhhh-iiiiiii-iiiiigggggghhh.
Bargie: I don’t even - I don’t even remember the words… to be honest…
AJ (sung): Maybe we find, that we’re both the stars after allllllllllllllll…..
Bargie: I don’t feel… any sort of connection with you.
AJ (sung): THEN MAYBE WE FIND THAT WE’RE BOTH THE STAAAARRS AFTER ALLLLLLLLLL-
Bargie: Let’s - we’re stopping right now… this is…
Pleck: That’s really nice guys!
Bargie: Was it? Really?
Pleck: Yeah! I liked it.
AJ: Thanks Papa.
Pleck: Yeah!
Bargie: Okay…
C-53: AJ, you’ve got a pretty good voice. Were you in…The C.L.I.N.T.S?’
AJ: No, I wasn’t in The C.L.I.N.T.S - that was a little too edgy for me - I was in CLINTSYNCH.
Dar: [Laughter]
Pleck: Hmmm…
[Zyxx Ending Credits Theme Music]
C.RED-IT5: This is C.RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing: Outro Protocol.
Papa Pleck Decksetter… was played by - Alden Ford.
C-53… was played by - Jeremy Bent.
Dar… was played by Allie Kokhesh.
Bargie the ship, and Klahriss-Uh, were played by Moujan Zolfaghari.
Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy… was played by Seth Lind.
AJ… was played by Winston Noel.
Kevin the Blob, was played by special guest, Lou Gonzalez. Lou is a writer for Former Director, at UCB New York, where he performs with improv teams, The Mannequin Room, and Higgons. Lou was a writer / performer at the 2019 CBS diversity showcase. Find him on instagram… and twitter, @AngryLou.
This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent, with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connel.
Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr’s Puppy Palace in New York, at Maximum Fun in Los Angeles.
Music composed by Brendan Ryan, and performed by Thanes Masadonian Symphonic Orchestra.
Additional Music by Shane O’Connel.
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.
Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Audio hosting by Simplecast.
Mission to Zyxx is performing LIVE, in Nashville, Tennessee, at PodX on June 1st. Get your tickets at MissionToZyxx.Space
Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thank you to our supporters for making this show possible. Join them, at MaximumFun.org/donate.
Post Credits Ad-Read 1: Thanks SO much to the over 28,000 who joined or upgraded during the 2019 Max Fun drive, and to all of our monthly members.
To celebrate hitting our goal this year, we’re putting 2019 Max Fun drive pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members.
As in past years, you’ll be able to get some pins and support a great cause at the same time. The proceeds from this year’s sale will support the National Court-Appointed Special Advocates Association.
National Casa does amazing work for children and youth, through an amazing network of 950 programs. We are proud to be able to support them.
The pin sale will run from April 29th until May 10th. And if you’re a $10 and up monthly member, your personalized code is waiting in your inbox - right now! For more details, you can head over to MaximumFun.org/Pins
And once again-
THANK YOU!
End Ad read 2: If you’re looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef and Dairy Network? It won best comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 AND 2018! Also, I’m-
[Audio Distortion]
There were no horses in this country until the - the mid to late ‘60s. Specialist, bovine asset
Both of his eyes are squids eyes
Yogurt. Buffet.
She was married… to a bacon farmer… who saved her life.
Farm raised… snow leopard.
[Audio Distortion]
Download it today - that’s the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, from MaximumFun.org
Also, maybe start on episode 1, or weirdly, episode 36 which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show!
[Ukelele Strum] MaximumFun.org: Comedy and Culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
BLOOPERS:
Jeremy: So you were the four forewomen… of the… factory…
Winston: Yes, It’s all - it’s been hard for us too, because usually - Klahriss-Uh explains it all,
Seth: That’s true!
Allie: [Moans]
Winston: And now we have to!
Moujan: Wow…
Alden: Oh no…
Allie: Oh wow…
Seth: This would’lve been so much more efficient when Klahriss-Uh talks about Kevin, it’s very fast.
Alden: Well listen… can - can you - we-
Jeremy: Well we’re happy to do a favor for four forewomen of the factory.
Seth: [Moans]
Moujan: Kevin. Can’t. Wait!
All: [Laughter]
Allie: I thought he could…
Transcription by Santeria37