319: Pump Up The Justice
The Honorable Hastooie Winko, Superstar Holowood Judge, presides over the trial of the century: THE PEOPLE VS. THE BARGAREAN JADE.
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C-RED-IT5: Attention, United Kingdom: Mission to Zyxx will be performing a brand new live episode on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival. Get your tickets right now on our events page, at missiontozyxx.space.
[orchestral main theme music begins]
NARRATOR: It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy—
[narrator is abruptly cut off by static]
[static as if the channel is changing]
[snippet of Beano and Bargie sitcom theme music, “Beano and Bargie, la la la la la”]
[static, channel changing]
HASTOOIE WINKO: [solemnly] Sentients, sentients, order, order. Order. [banging gavel]
[sound ramps up]
HASTOOIE WINKO: [loosening up, with echo-y, dramatic voice filters over a booming voice] Haha, who am I kiddin', go nuts! This is Holowood, baby! And court is in session! [reverberating] LET'S DO THIS!!!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Honorable Judge Hastooie Winko presiding! You might remember me from ten straight years of announcing the hottest Zi-Ball holothon ever. [dramatically] You're tuned in to Pump Up… The Justiiice.
[energetic house music kicks in, Pump Up The Justice theme song plays]
SINGER: [powerful alto voice] Pump It Up! The court will now hear your case / Pump It Up! Slap injustice right upside the face / Pump It Up! Now's your chance to tell the tale / Pump It Up! Low ratings send you straight to jaaail!
[audience uproar, applause]
HASTOOIE WINKO: And it's time for the WHAT? Opening statement rules!!! For the trial of WHO? You know her, you love her, or maybe you DON'T, The Bargarean Jade! This is the puh-puh-people vs. HER. Let's Pump That Justice!!!
[gavel banging, laser sound effects]
SUSAN: [fretfully] Hello, my name is Susan Prosecutioshfrr. I am representing the people in this juncture. As we all know, Bargarean Jade has been charged with hundreds of counts of money laundering, of finance fraud, hundreds of millions of kroon, ruining reputations, and—how long am I on? I got one minute? [to self] Okay girl, wrap it up. So yeah, we the people want Bargarean Jade, this sentient, washed up spaceship, who honestly—movies aren't that great, to go to jail, forever. Thank you very much.
[audience cheers]
[sports whistle]
ACTING COACH: Your Honor, her acting coach would like to approach.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oh, well this is a surprise. I'll allow it! [bangs gavel]
ACTING COACH: Uh, Susan—
SUSAN: [in a posh accent] Do you think I'm doing well? Do you think I got it down?
ACTING COACH: I—I just think the ending…
SUSAN: Exactly.
ACTING COACH: It—it—punch it.
SUSAN: Right.
ACTING COACH: Just—like, end on a punch?
SUSAN: Do I have the frazzled attorney down—
ACTING COACH: Oh, yes, sexless prosecutor down, absolutely.
SUSAN: Yes yes yes yes yes.
ACTING COACH: But if you could just… at the end, make a meal of it.
[laser sound effect]
HASTOOIE WINKO: And we're back in!
SUSAN: [back to a standard American news reporter accent, shakily] Bargarean Jade: murderer, money murderer, murderer. Do you want your children asleep or dead? Thank you, the people rest.
[the crowd applauds, cheers]
[the acting coach gasps]
SUSAN: Not rest, just the beginning. Thank you.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] Gavel, gavel, gavel!
[a mechanical door opens slowly]
ANNOUNCER: Sentients and non-sentients, now entering the court, the defense!
QUAID: [self-confidently] Uh, hello, uh, lawyer for the defense. Uh, my name is Quaid Blizmo, and I am… shocked, and sickened by the accusations made by the State of Holowood against my client, the Bargarean Jade. The Bargarean Jade… is a beloved holostar. She is somebody that people look up to. And the fact that we are even in this courtroom at all right now, is absurd. [pacing around] This is a circus right now, because the Bargarean Jade's good name is being dragged through the mud for crimes that I intend to prove she had absolutely… no part in committing. And I will put a blaster to my own head [click, followed by sound of blaster charging up] before I will see her go to jail. That is how confident I am in the innocence—innocence!—of the Bargarean Jade. I don't care how many counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of endangering the youth are leveled against the Bargarean Jade. Every single one of them is an absolute slap in the face of one of the grande dames of the Holowood scene. In summation, I can't wait to tear the prosecution's argument apart. Blizmo rests. Thank you.
[audience applause]
[laser sound effect]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wowee! Quaid Blizmo comin' in HOOOT! Wow! Hastooie Winko… loves it. That's right, here in the courtroom of Hastooie Wink—wait a second. Who's that wavin' up there?
EXTRA: Permission to speak, sir?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow! Who am I to say no to a guy wavin' a flag?
SUSAN: Objeption, objeption!
QUAID: Objeption! Objeption!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Counselor! Counselor! [gavel sound] The gentleman has a flag!
QUAID: [pushing back chair, walking around] Okay, objeption. Are we to allow this fresh-faced youth with stars in his eyes to deliver what is no doubt a moving, passionate speech of his own?
SUSAN: Objession! What he said.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] Objeption overruled, and objession overruled.
[buzzer sound]
QUAID: [under his breath] Oh, well, I tried.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Onward, young man!
EXTRA: Thank you, Judge. [tapping the microphone] Now I might just be a… extra, in the gallery, new to Holowood. And, y'know, maybe I just have a sack of dreams, and a smile… and a few 8x10 holos that I'm handing out right now.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oh wow! Whippin' 'em!
EXTRA: But I think that this is a grave miscarriage of justice. And I will do everything I can—
[the extra is cut off by a sound stage bell]
PRODUCER: Alright, alright, that's commercial, that's commercial. Hey—listen, extra, you're gonna get a line? Speed it up.
EXTRA: It was too slow?
PRODUCER: Way too slow. You were really milkin' it. Stop milkin' those teeth—
EXTRA: But my species is lactating.
PRODUCER: I understand.
EXTRA: At this—okay.
ACTING COACH: [echoing over a speaker] Alright, stay on your mark, defense.
QUAID: Okay, I'm sorry.
ACTING COACH: You keep—you keep dipping.
QUAID: Well, I—you gotta have a guy to follow me. I told you I was gonna walk around, and have a guy—
ACTING COACH: I told you we don't have a cam guy today. We don't have a cam guy today.
QUAID: Jeez Loui—[defensively] Okay, all right.
SUSAN: [back to using a posh accent] I don't think Crafty got my request. There's dairy in my—in my coffee.
PRODUCER: Do I look like the person you should be complaining to?
SUSAN: I don't know.
PRODUCER: No.
SUSAN: No—
PRODUCER: [walking away] Crafty! Where the juck is Crafty?
CRAFTYBOT: [robotic monotone] Crafty. CraftBot wonders if pretzel sticks are too short.
QUAID: [crunching a pretzel] Not only are they too short, they're far too salty! Alright? Get these outta my face.
SUSAN: I'm also gluclose intolerant.
CRAFTYBOT: [scanner sound] Scanning for gluclose. [buzzing] Gluclose found.
SUSAN: Right, thank you. No.
CRAFTYBOT: Individually wrapped mints dispensing.
QUAID: And we're supposed to make a meal of this? This is a meal now?
SUSAN: Exactly. You know exactly where I'm coming from.
QUAID: Barge, I thought that went very well for us.
BARGIE: Really? They just said a bunch of lies and you didn't correct them.
QUAID: Barge, were you listening to what I just said? I said every single one of them was false, I was gonna prove all of 'em wrong. Also, we had that weird kid in the audience stand up. That's great stuff!
BARGIE: What was that all about?
QUAID: I have no idea, but what I'm saying is, we can use that, alright? That's a smoke screen.
BARGIE: Okay, okay. I trust you.
QUAID: Okay? Thank you so much. Thank you—
BARGIE: Your jaws are stunning. Both of your jaws are stunning.
QUAID: Barge, I'm gonna air kiss you to the left. [Bargie and Quaid both do a brief air kiss] I'm gonna air kiss you to the right. [brief kiss]
BARGIE: Thank you.
QUAID: We are gonna get through this—
BARGIE: Thank you.
QUAID: They're not gonna lay a finger on you, okay?
[Pump Up the Justice music starts to rev up in the background]
QUAID: Okay, we're headin' back, headin' back.
[gavel banging]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Sentients of aaall flavors and sizes, we're buh-buh-buh-buh-back in session right here! [banging gavel] Honor, honor, honor me!!!
[explosions]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Ohhh, interior firewooorks! Never live without 'em, baby! Court of Honorable Hastooie Winko is back in session! Lovin' it!
DEEP VOICE: Oh, yeah! Feel the Winko!
[air horns, more fireworks]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Aaand, cut the fireworks!
[fireworks and music stop, studio audience cheering]
HASTOOIE WINKO: It's “just us.” HYAAAAAH, justice.
BAILIFF: [suspiciously upbeat] And don't forget the bailiff!
HASTOOIE WINKO: We're comin' back in for the trial of the Bargarean Jade, and we're back to the pro-se-ku-shaaah.
[airhorns]
SUSAN: [pushing chair back, walking around, back to sexless prosecutor accent] The prosecution would like to call its first witness to the stand. Bargarean Jade's son, formerly known as Blimpie, formerly Laser Ted, now known as Treeboy.
ANNOUNCER: Organics and droids, please give a warm round of applause to the witness now entering through the big door in the floor, it's… Treeboooy!
[music plays, large doors open, crowd cheers]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Treeboy, we'll have you please slate to the camera. Name, height, representation.
TREEBOY: Ummm… name's Treeboy. I'm 70 meters high, and I, uh, have no representation.
QUAID: Huh. Not even seeking, okay.
SUSAN: Treeboy, you are Bargarean Jade's son, are you not?
TREEBOY: Yes.
SUSAN: And they've been your mother your entire life?
TREEBOY: What?
SUSAN: Yes—yes or no, please.
TREEBOY: [confused] Uh, yes.
SUSAN: Would you say that they were a good mother or a bad mother?
TREEBOY: I was fine. She was fine… as a mother.
SUSAN: Give examples.
TREEBOY: Uh, okay, when I had my first, uh, Little League game, my mom was not there. And—
SUSAN: Wow.
TREEBOY: Yeah, I was like—
SUSAN: [disdainfully] Wow.
TREEBOY: Yeah.
SUSAN: WOOOW. Thank you, s—
QUAID: Objeption, objeption.
SUSAN: [much more confidently] One in eight mothers who neglect their children at sports events end up being murderers, based on science!
ACTING COACH: [pushing back chair] Uh, objeption. Your Honor, the acting coach would like to approach their client.
HASTOOIE WINKO: I'll allow it. [bangs gavel]
SUSAN: Did my accent change?
ACTING COACH: It—it slightly changed?
SUSAN: [in a posh accent, regretfully] My accent changed.
ACTING COACH: It did, yeah.
SUSAN: It did, definitely. I lost it. I don't know where it is.
ACTING COACH: Remember, we're—we're channeling frazzled, sexless…
SUSAN: Right.
ACTING COACH: Y'know, childless…
SUSAN: [remorsefully]I was so sexy. I was so sexy.
ACTING COACH: You were oozing it.
SUSAN: I was oozing sex.
ACTING COACH: Yeah, exactly. I was—[walking away] I'm—I'm back here? I'm in the back of the room—
SUSAN: Ugh. You're moist.
ACTING COACH: —and I'm getting turned on.
SUSAN: Right, okay. I'll do it again. I'll do it. I'll—I'll continue.
[laser sound effects]
HASTOOIE WINKO: And we're back in! Spotlights are hot and on!
SUSAN: [sexless prosecutor accent] So you would say that your mother's a bad mother?
TREEBOY: What? What?
SUSAN: Thank you so much, the prosecution… rests for this part.
TREEBOY: What… what?
QUAID: [clears throat] Um, Treeboy… if that is your real name.
TREEBOY: I'm—no, it's not. I mean, Blimpie's my real name.
QUAID: Oh, so you admit Treeboy's not your real name.
TREEBOY: Well, it's changed… a couple times.
QUAID: Oh okay, so what you're saying is, you're a person who changes your mind. Is that correct?
TREEBOY: I guess everyone changes their mind from time to time—
QUAID: Oh, do they? Well, we all change our mind.
TREEBOY: You can't—
QUAID: [sarcastically] Oh, wow, we're really learning a lot here from ol' Treeboy.
TREEBOY: What? We're learning that people change their mind?
QUAID: Let me repeat to you what you said just a moment ago when you were asked, "What kind of mother did you have?" And you said she was “fine.” Is that correct?
TREEBOY: That's right.
QUAID: Okay. Let me—because, y'know, I don't want you to change your mind about this later. Let me describe to you what "fine" means. It means of high quality. Okay? It means “good” or “satisfactory.” It also means—
SUSAN: Objession! Relevance?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Fellow counselor's read—literally readin' the definition of "fine," so… it's fine.
SUSAN: Relevance?
HASTOOIE WINKO: It's fine! Objeption overrufed. [gavel banging, buzzer]
QUAID: So what I'm saying is, what you've described is actually a mother of very good quality.
TREEBOY: …Sure. I said—
QUAID: Okay. Well, great. Then the defense rests.
[sound stage bell rings]
PRODUCER: All right, we're gonna punch in, uh… and you're gonna do your product placement. Are you ready?
QUAID: Oh, abso—yep, I'm ready.
PRODUCER: Alright. Alright, we're—[ramping up to the ad read] ahhhhh—
QUAID: Hello, I'm Quaid Blizmo, and if you think this job is tough, you're right! But setting up my own professional website through wix.com… that was a snap. [Quaid snaps] That's why I, along with over 150 million other sentients, some of them clients, have used wix.com to create a website using one of more than 500 customizable templates. And I didn't need to do a thing to get their built-in SEO tools and sleek mobile optimization. That's all part of the deal when you make a website at wix.com. And if you're thinking you need to be a high-powered Holowood lawyer to afford this, think again. YOU can build a website of your own with Wix today for free. That's right, not a kroon need leave your wallet to have an eye-catching website today. And if you go to wix.com and use the coupon code ZYXX, Z-Y-X-X, you'll get 10% off any premium plan. With Wix premium plans, you get more storage, a free domain for a year, and much, much more. That's wix.com, code ZYXX. W-I-X dot com, Z-Y-X-X, the code for 10% off any premium plan. Creation without limits. And that’s… a Quaid Blizmo guarantee.
[mic feedback]
PRODUCER: Checking with the executives in the booth?
EXECUTIVE: Yeah, 's fine.
QUAID: Thank you.
PRODUCER: Judge, back to you.
HASTOOIE WINKO: That's the end of round one here in the trial of the century, the trial of the Bargarean Jade. And I'm gonna just say somethin' that's a little off-topic, but I'm gonna—CraftyBot. I'm gonna go nuts, it's gonna be crazy! You're not gonna see it comin', I'm gonna ask for some licorice.
QUAID: [under his breath] Oh, I didn't—no, I wouldn't'a guessed. I thought he was gonna ask for something else.
SUSAN: [sexless prosecutor accent] I'm aller—I can't—[posh accent] I can't do licorice, I'm allergic to all things sticky.
[Quaid Blizmo makes a sound of sympathetic agreement]
HASTOOIE WINKO: CraftyBot!
CRAFTYBOT: Licorice available. Red or black.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Ahh… spit it right in my mouth.
[sound of CraftyBot firing off licorice]
[Honorable Hastooie Winko snarfing it down]
HASTOOIE WINKO: [enthusiastically] Hnnngh! Okay.
CRAFTYBOT: Can CraftyBot interest you in a miniature quiche?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oh, boy, could you! Put it in my robe.
CRAFTYBOT: Very well.
[CraftyBot fires off a miniature quiche, it lands with a splat]
QUAID: Uh, excuse me, it seems like the makers of this CraftyBot are getting a lot of paid airtime.
PRODUCER: You're not the only corporate shill here.
QUAID: Alright, alright.
SUSAN: Prosecution would like to call the next wisness… Bargarean Jade's very famous ex-husband, Spaceship Spielship, to the stand.
[Hastooie Winko makes an interested noise, the crowd starts getting rowdy]
SUSAN: He hasn't been seen in two years in person.
QUAID: [aside, to Bargie] Okay, Barge, we knew—we knew they were gonna do this, we knew this was gonna happen.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Here he is, raising up from the floor in a puff of smoke.
[energetic music in the background, fireworks]
STUDIO AUDIENCE: [cheering, chanting] Spielship! Spielship! Spielship! Spielship! Spielship!
HASTOOIE WINKO: And… slate your name for the cameras.
SPACESHIP: [with gravitas] Spaceship Spielship.
[audience gasps]
HASTOOIE WINKO: [reverently] Wow. What a charmer.
SUSAN: Now, Spaceship Spielship, what is your relation to the Bargarean Jade?
SPACESHIP: The Bargarean Jade is my ex-wife.
SUSAN: And how long were you two married?
SPACESHIP: We were married for seven years.
[studio audience and Hastooie Winko both “ooh”]
SPACESHIP: We met during a picture, decided to get engaged during the sequel, fathered a child on the third film in the series. By the fourth film, we were… barely speaking to each other.
SUSAN: And how would you describe your relationship with the Bargarean Jade?
[short pause]
SPACESHIP: Chilly.
[studio audience gasps]
GOSSIPTRON: This goss is hot!
SUSAN: And… by “chilly,” what exactly do you mean?
SPACESHIP: Financially chilly. Intellectually chilly.
SUSAN: And would you describe your relationship now, that of a very successful Holowood director, and that of a FINANCIAL MURDERER!?
ACTING COACH: Your Honor, may I?
[sports whistle blows]
SUSAN: [posh accent] I thought I'd end it, like—a little bit of excitement at the end.
ACTING COACH: I just think it's too soon for that—
SUSAN: Too soon. Right, right, right. Okay. Wrapping it back.
ACTING COACH: We're still building the tension. We're still developing your sad, pathetic, Loft-wearing character—
SUSAN: Right. My hair is greasy. We gotta—okay.
ACTING COACH: Right, yeah.
SPACESHIP: I would characterize the Bargarean Jade as a murderer, financially. A financial murderer.
SUSAN: [back to sexless prosecutor accent] Can you say that to camera and use the word "murderer," just, louder than the other words?
SPACESHIP: [with more emphasis] The Bargarean Jade is a murderer. [more uncertainly] Of… the finan—of—financially. Financially, though.
SUSAN: [talking over the rest of Spaceship Spielship's sentence] Great. Thank you so much. Thank you so—I think we got it.
SPACESHIP: Okay.
SUSAN: Thank you. Thank you? Thank you. Uh, that's it for prosecution, we rest now for this.
HASTOOIE WINKO: I just wanna say, I've never seen anyone direct the biggest director in the history of film. All of Holowood. Bold move, prosecutio...
SUSAN: That's why they call me… Susan Prosecutioshfrr.
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE: Your Honor, if I can say one thing...
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] I'll allow it!
SUSAN: [crosstalk, exasperated] Why? Why? Why!?
HASTOOIE WINKO: A second—a second flag, wow! Whoa.
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (PHENOM): I've been looking at this… quote-unquote "justice," and I have one thing to say… I, Phenom Pennyworth, who's currently seeking representation…
HASTOOIE WINKO: Yes.
PHENOM: …was MURDERED financially by the Bargarean Jade!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow.
[sound stage bell rings]
PRODUCER: And that's commercial!
QUAID: Uh—[laughs in disbelief] I—I'm not allowed to respond?
PRODUCER: The cliffhanger ends there, baby!
QUAID: Oh, I understand, I understand. Bargie, actually, this is good for us, okay? This is actually great for us.
BARGIE: Okay. 'Cause I didn't do anything. Can I speak? Is this fine—this is fine? We're on commercial, right?
QUAID: [casually] We're on break, we're on break. Bargie, do whatever you want.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [lackadaisically] Nothing matters in commercial, yeah.
QUAID: [crosstalk] No, it's fine now.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Let's get about 100, 200 of those licorices?
CRAFTYBOT: [rolling up] CraftBot dispensing. [firing off licorice]
PRODUCER: Alright, alright, you two.
SUSAN: Yeah.
PRODUCER: When we're back from commercial—
SUSAN: Yes?
PRODUCER: We wanna get the, uh, nose-to-nose shot.
QUAID: Oh, sure, the nose-to-nose. Yeah, no problem.
SUSAN: Okay, okay.
PRODUCER: Aaand… three, two—
[music revs up]
HASTOOIE WINKO: And we're back!
[crowd applauds]
QUAID: [challengingly] You know, I don't care for what you did out there.
SUSAN: [fretfully] Well, why don't you take your nose and put it somewhere… eh, that's better?
QUAID: Is this better? Do you like this? Do you like my nose up close?
SUSAN: Right on my nose?
QUAID: Yeah.
SUSAN: You're a dirty man.
QUAID: Oh, well… you're about to see how dirty I can get, sister.
SUSAN: [flatly] Why don't you rebuttal this? [sound of very gentle slap]
QUAID: Oh! You slapped me right in my face.
SUSAN: Well, why don't you slap your own… trial?
HASTOOIE WINKO: If you came for rules, then you came to the wrong city, wrong town, wrong courtroom, babyyy! We are… [quickly] makin' sure justice gets puuumped!!!
QUAID: [gravely] I'll see you… at the recess.
SUSAN: [awkwardly] I'll see you there… as well.
HASTOOIE WINKO: We fired our writers.
QUAID: Um—Spaceship Spielship… if that is your real name.
SPACESHIP: Uh, it's not.
QUAID: Oh, really? How interesting. For the record, what is your real name?
SPACESHIP: Starship Spielship.
QUAID: Uh, so you're the sort of person who feels like they can just change their mind whenever they—I did this, didn't I? I—I'll move on, I'll move on. Spaceship, or should I say… Starship…
SPACESHIP: Either one is fine.
QUAID: You characterized your relationship with the Bargarean Jade as “chilly.”
SPACESHIP: That's right.
QUAID: You said “financially chilly.” You said “emotionally chilly.” But I noticed you didn't say… “physically chilly.”
SPACESHIP: No.
QUAID: So why is that?
SPACESHIP: Are you familiar with, uh, the term "hatch to hatch?”
QUAID: I think I've heard the term.
[banjo music]
VOICE: The following part of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.
[banjo music cuts back to uproarious audience applause]
QUAID: Well, that was extremely graphic and not what I was after at all.
SPACESHIP: Well, you asked.
QUAID: I did ask, that's on me. Let me move on. Mr. Spielship, you also mentioned during your testimony that on the fourth film you worked on, you grew apart. Now, why is that?
SPACESHIP: Uh… are you familiar with a ship hole?
QUAID: I'm familiar with a ship hole.
[banjo music]
VOICE: The following 40 minutes of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.
[banjo music cuts back to even more uproarious audience applause]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Now we are talkiiiiin'! This is some good, good justice!!!
QUAID: Okay, that is also not what I was after, alright?
BARGIE: Yeah, I feel this is a little unfair. Can I chime in?
QUAID: Uh, Barge—
[banjo music]
VOICE: This episode has been censored for the next 20 minutes due to inappropriate content.
[banjo music cuts back to still more uproarious audience applause]
QUAID: [tired] Jeez Louise. Okay—
SUSAN: The prosecution would like to call its final witness?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow. I think we're all waiting with bated breath to know if this witness knows… ANYTHING about the crimes.
SUSAN: We would like to call… Sammo and Wink.
[airhorns]
HASTOOIE WINKO: And rappelling down from the ceiling on two tiny ropes are former Rebel spies, dustheads to the max, and... Suh-Suh-Suh-Sammo and W-W-W-Wink!
WINK: Hi guyyys!
SAMMO: Hey there.
WINK: Hi there.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Slate it for the camera while spinning!
SAMMO: Sammo.
WINK: And Wink!
SAMMO: Sky high on dust, babayyy.
WINK: Representation? CAA!
SUSAN: What is your relationship with the Bargarean Jade?
SAMMO: Uhhh, Bargie was cool. We, uh, hung out a few times, and uh...
WINK: We also did, like, a bunch of financial investments with Bargie. She…
SAMMO: Right.
WINK: We gave her a lot of our money, 'cause we trusted her with all the connections she had.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oooooh boy.
SAMMO: Yeah. I do remember that Wink and I… did give money to a holding company, that was...
WINK: It was Bargie and Friends.
SAMMO: Bargie and Friends, a holding company. And it was referred to as a “shadow company.”
WINK: Yeah, we gave 'em, like, 300 thou kroon?
SAMMO: Yeah.
WINK: Um… and then we built upon it. It literally was the shape of a pyramid.
SAMMO: Yeah. And then—I mean, I have all the documentation for anybody that wants it.
WINK: And we also have this like audio signature from Bargie that says...
[playback start sound]
BARGIE: I approve of this financial transaction.
[playback end sound]
SAMMO: We were super high, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep records, babayyy.
SUSAN: [walking away and sitting down] Uh, thank you, the prosecution rests this one again.
QUAID: Sammo and...
WINK: Wink!
QUAID: …Wink. Lemme ask you... you two, pretty big dustheads, are you not?
WINK: Formerly.
SAMMO: Formerly.
WINK: Yeah, we haven't been able to do dust for a while, 'cause we can't afford it anymore.
SAMMO: Yeah. We went through dust withdrawal…
WINK: And if you don't know how that's like, just like imagine... like, seeing the world for like, what it is.
SAMMO: Yeah. And your skin getting like...
WINK: Clear. And like, losing weight.
SAMMO: Yeah.
WINK: And like, feeling really healthy. And like—
SAMMO: And like, we're going on runs and stuff now.
WINK: Yeah, we do, like, yoga.
SAMMO: Yeah, it's...
WINK: And space pilates.
SAMMO: A living hell.
QUAID: Right. But when you engaged in your financial transaction with the Bargarean Jade, were you or were you not on dust?
WINK: Yeah.
SAMMO: Very dusted.
WINK: But we, like, think, like, much better when we're on dust? Like…
SAMMO: Yeah. Yeah.
QUAID: Oh, how interesting. So you would say that your recall is actually improved while you're on dust.
SAMMO: Yeah, I think so.
QUAID: 'Cause I remember a moment ago when you said you gave Bargie a bunch of money—oh, no, wait—you said you gave her business agents a bunch of money, is that correct?
SAMMO: Uh… yeah, but Bargie was right there.
QUAID: Okay, but did you give Bargie the money or did you give the business agent the money?
SAMMO: I guess we gave it to the business agent.
WINK: Yeah.
QUAID: Oh! Oh, how interesting. Okay.
SUSAN: [banging her fist on the table] Overrulsh. He's leading the witness.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] No, I do the overrulsh. You—
SUSAN: I do the—
HASTOOIE WINKO: No…
SUSAN: Oh. Objession! Obje…
HASTOOIE WINKO: Right, there we go! You do the objections.
SUSAN: [crosstalk] Wow, it's been a long day, and I was, like, filming another thing before this, and…
HASTOOIE WINKO: [crosstalk] Right. No, I understand, it's like, these—oh, these 12-hour shooting days are crazy.
QUAID: [crosstalk] No, it's fine, it's no big deal.
SUSAN: Objession. Objession.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Right. Okay, now—
SUSAN: He's leading the witness. I'm so sorry.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Okay. Overrulsh. [bangs gavel]
QUAID: So, you gave the Bargarean Jade's business agents the money that you invested in these companies, which may or may not have had anything to do with the Bargarean Jade.
WINK: I dunno, we were on dust!
QUAID: Oh! Oh, so now your recall is worse 'cause you're on dust. [smugly] Uh, I guess I'm confused….
WINK: I don't like the vibe that's happening.
SAMMO: I'm not into this.
[sound studio bell rings]
PRODUCER: Ahh, I'm sorry, we gotta cut. The executives in the booth, uh… they find this whole performance just...
QUAID: Not spicy enough?
PRODUCER: It's not spicy!
QUAID: Okay. Uh, I've actually got something, executives, I'm so sorry.
PRODUCER: You understand what… what we're asking for?
QUAID: I'm with you. I'm with you.
PRODUCER: [hurriedly] Alright alright. Aaand we're go. Three two one.
[laser sound effect]
QUAID: So Sammo and Wink, it seems like you have some pretty severe memory problems. So maybe what you need is… CraftyBot, if I could? Some dust, please?
[Sammo and Wink giggle in relief]
SAMMO: Oh, juck yes.
[airhorn sounds, crowd cheers]
CRAFTYBOT: CraftyBot dispensing dust.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wowie zowie, this is getting good.
[CraftyBot launches dust, it explodes like a firework and fizzles through the air]
WINK: Wow!
SAMMO: Wagh!
WINK: Whoa!
SAMMO: Ooh!
[Sammo and Wink continue dusted-up cheers]
QUAID: Sammo and Wink, I will need you to do this dust, and then answer my question.
WINK: Ohhh!
SAMMO: Okay!
WINK: Okay!
SAMMO: [slurring] Okay!
[Wink giggles]
QUAID: Let me ask you one more time:
WINK: [slurring] Lemmeaskyouomoretime.
[Sammo laughs]
[Wink laughs]
SAMMO: Classic.
QUAID: Did you—
WINK: Didjou—
SAMMO: [whispering] Yes.
QUAID: Or did you not—
WINK: Didjounot—
SAMMO: Keep going, Wink.
QUAID: Give any money—
WINK: Giveanymoney—
SAMMO: That's it!
QUAID: Directly to—
WINK: [in sync with Quaid Blizmo] Directly to—
QUAID: The Bargarean Jade.
WINK: [in sync] Barzhareanjade!
WINK: That's so weird, 'cause I was asking you the question.
SAMMO: Yeah, answer the question.
QUAID: I did not.
WINK: The defense rests. Thank youuuuu. [wings fluttering]
[airhorn]
SAMMO: Yeah.
[Sammo and Wink fly(?) away]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow! Flipped it right back at 'im.
QUAID: Turned it right back in my face. But! They never gave money directly to the Bargarean Jade, only her business agent, so it sounds to me like their qualm is with them, and not the Bargarean Jade. Thank you.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow.
QUAID: No more questions.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Yeah. Hairs are being split.
ANNOUNCER: Get out of your chairs and move your body, because it's time for RECEEEESS!!
[upbeat house music starts again]
MUSIC: [heavily filtered voice chanting with the beat] Re-cess! Re-cess! Everybody get the re-cess! Re-cess! Re-cess! Everybody get the re-cess! JUST-ICE-ICE-ICE!
[music winds down]
[airhorns, audience applause, cheering]
HASTOOIE WINKO: We are back from halftime, ladies and gentlemen! Here on Pump Up The Justiiice, Honorable Hastooie Winko presiding. We're coming in HOT into the second haaalf, and we're getting ready for hwitnesses from the de-de-defense. Go to it!!
QUAID: Now, as is tradition in Holowood court, all of the defense witnesses are surprise witnesses. So, without any further ado, let me bring in my first of three extremely surprising witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I present to you—
[door bangs open]
NERMUT: [darting into the court, panting] Ha—uh—hey, sorry, everybody, sorry, everyone!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Who's that!?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Yeah, who is that?
QUAID: Um… I actually don't know. Who is that bird?
NERMUT: I'm Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I just need to get—I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I need to get onto the Bargarean Jade, actually.
BARGIE: I don't know who that is.
NERMUT: [urgently] Bargie—no, it's Nermut! It's—it's—
BARGIE: Ber—Berfit—Berfit—
NERMUT: That's not—
QUAID: Okay, my client doesn't know who you are, so you're gonna have to leave.
BARGIE: Berfit Farfa—
NERMUT: Bargie, please! Open—just open the hatch. I need to get on. I'm so—I'm not a witness, I'm—I'm—I'm just a, uh—I'm a Master Missions Operations Manager. [Nermut continues trying to talk over the others] I'm—I'm a—
QUAID: Can we—can we cut this? Can we cut this out? I don't know what this is.
NERMUT: I—I just—
PRODUCER: I mean, this is a surprise. The executives are loving this.
QUAID: Okay, great. We'll roll with it.
[Nermut skitters up to the microphone]
NERMUT: [echoing through the courtroom] My lover is giving birth!
[crowd erupts in confusion]
PRODUCER: Ope, they hate it. I'm sorry.
QUAID: Okay.
PRODUCER: We don't wanna—
GOSSIPTRON: [in the background] Gossip. Now. Ice. Cold.
PRODUCER: We don't wanna talk about this.
BARGIE: Ah, fine, opening up my hatch.
NERMUT: Yesss!
[Bargie's hatch opens]
NERMUT: [running to Bargie] I'm coming, Daaaaar!
QUAID: Okay, if we could get back to my surprise witnesses… I'd like to call for my first surprise witness, the Grower Mind.
BAILIFF: [sounding very much like Allen from episode 205] As the bailiff, whose responsibility it is to slate the witness, I don't see—
[the bailiff rasps, sound of tearing flesh]
[the crowd goes wild]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow! [laser sound effects] Outta the chest of the rosh darn bailiff!
[airhorn sounds]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Name, height, representation?
THE GROWER MIND: [deep, menacing voice] I am the Grower Mind. My height is forever. My representation is that of the undying will of the Swarm. Also, I'm freelancing with the Universal Talent Agency.
QUAID: [pacing around thoughtfully] Now, Mr. Grower Mind, you and the Bargarean Jade have shared a relationship. Is that correct?
THE GROWER MIND: That is affirmative, and true.
QUAID: How would you characterize, based on that relationship, the… inner nature of the Bargarean Jade? What sort of sentient is she?
THE GROWER MIND: The type of sentient that will care for those around her. There was a time when emotion and empathy and affection were shared between us.
QUAID: Well, that is interesting. Uh, Mr. Grower Mind, if possible, would you marry the Bargarean Jade?
THE GROWER MIND: Affirmative.
SUSAN: [tired] Objession. It's… come on. I feel like I'm in the middle of like, a… a romcom.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] Overrruled, this is good, hot, hot, nasty stuff.
[buzzer sound]
QUAID: Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Grower Mind. No further questions. Prosecution, your witness. [Quaid Blizmo stops pacing and sits]
SUSAN: Mr. Grower Mind, is that what you go by?
THE GROWER MIND: All species know my name.
SUSAN: How would you describe what you do on a regular basis?
THE GROWER MIND: I assimilate willing and unwilling species into the collective swarm into my hive mind. During the process of assimilation, the body goes through an ovomorphing process, where carbon atoms are broken down into egg sacs, producing many types of castes in our perfect caste system.
SUSAN: I see. Now, wouldn't you consider that to be a… violent sort of work?
QUAID: [banging the table, standing up] Objeption, objeption.
SUSAN: I'm just asking what he does.
QUAID: Well, he told you what he does.
SUSAN: I'm getting more context.
QUAID: Objession reshesshted.
HASTOOIE WINKO: [banging gavel] Noshted.
THE GROWER MIND: After our hosts have served their purpose, we burst forth from their chests, killing them instantly.
SUSAN: I'd like to point out he said the word "killing."
[some boo-ing becomes audible in the general audience noise]
SUSAN: Grower Mind, do you have any financial transactions with the Bargarean Jade?
THE GROWER MIND: The Grower Mind has “transacted,” as you put it, through crystals adorned to her hull, for decoration and defense.
SUSAN: Interesting, could you please explain?
THE GROWER MIND: The weavers of our perfect caste system imbue crystals made from mucus-laid egg sacs, the perfect defense developed over billions of years. Only the strongest types of space magic will be able to tear her beauty from it! She will be undefeatable through her beauty! All will BOW BEFORE HER! [fluttering of insect wings]
SUSAN: [starting to pace] And last question. Grower Mind, isn't it true that at the end of the day, you're just simply a biased character witness whose undying love for Bargarean Jade is making you willing to say anything to find her innocent, even though there is enough insurshmountable evidence to find her otherwise?
QUAID: Objession, what's love got to do with it? Oop—got to do with it?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Objession shushomfed!
[air horn]
SUSAN: Oh, good. Great.
HASTOOIE WINKO: No, no, no—
SUSAN: What?
HASTOOIE WINKO: You want the other one.
SUSAN: No? Uh… uhhh…
HASTOOIE WINKO: No, you're—that's the bad one for you.
THE GROWER MIND: There is no guilt. There is no innocence. There is no good or evil. There is only the undying, perfect will of the Swarm. Prior to leaving the stand, I have but one final task to perform: Children, all in the room, stand before me and come willingly into the hive.
[silence]
THE GROWER MIND: Everyone rise! I—I was told that they would rise after this, and willingly come!
QUAID: Your Honor, permission to ion blast the witness?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Uhhh… granted!
[sound of ion blaster charging]
THE GROWER MIND: The will of the Swarm—ugh! [the Grower Mind is cut off by several blaster shots]
DEEP VOICE: JUS-TICE-TICE-TICE!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow! Hot shots.
QUAID: [smugly] Well, Quaid Blizmo is no stranger to a hostile witness.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Remember, he was your witness.
QUAID: [dismissively] I know, I remember.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oh, okay. [amping up again] Who could the next su-su-su-surprise witness be?
QUAID: I call to the stage… Security Officer Dar.
BARGIE: Oh, this'll be good.
[crowd cheering, Pump Up The Justice theme instrumentals play]
[cheering, music continues]
[nothing else happens]
QUAID: [clears throat] Se—Security Officer Dar.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Kind of a stage manager fail here, we're… okay...
QUAID: Does anyone—
[sound stage bell rings]
PRODUCER: Alright, cut cut cut. Where is Dar?
QUAID: Barge, what happened? You said this person was like—gonna be lights out for you.
BARGIE: Oh, hold on... Yeah, they're—they're giving birth right now.
PRODUCER: We've already talked about this. That's not for television.
QUAID: Yep.
PRODUCER: Nobody wants to see it, or talk about it…
QUAID: Barge—
HASTOOIE WINKO: I couldn't disagree more, I love the magic of birth. I watch birth—this Justice watches birth videos nightly. [bangs gavel]
QUAID: I'm happy to continue on with my final surprise witness, the MOST surprising of all the witnesses.
PHENOM: [echoing across the courtroom] Me, Phenom Pennyworth!
QUAID: Uh—
PHENOM: Currently seeking representation.
QUAID: No—
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow.
QUAID: Uh, Your Honor, no.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Love it.
QUAID: Who are you?
HASTOOIE WINKO: Phenom Pennyworth is now parachuting—
PHENOM: I'm just a kid with a bunch of dreams.
HASTOOIE WINKO: He's parachuting down from the—the upper decks!
QUAID: Phenom, don't get up on the stand. You're not… a witness.
PHENOM: I guess I won't get up on the stand. I guess I'll… DANCE on the stand!
[Phenom Pennyworth begins dancing jauntily]
SUSAN: Objection. Just… I mean, the whole thing, honestly.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Objection shushompfed. [single tap of gavel] Get this clown outta here.
PHENOM: I got dreams.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Phenom Pennyworth, eee-jected.
[buzzer sound]
PHENOM: I got dreams, I tell you! [the microphone drops] You can't take me outta here!
SUSAN: He's not even—
PHENOM: I'm gonna be a star! A star, you hear me!? A star! A star… Phenom Pennyworth, it's… one “n”, so it'll really… juck ya up!
QUAID: Wait, so Peenyworth?
PHENOM: It's Pennyworth!
QUAID: I don't think so...
PHENOM: [desperately] It's Pennyworth!
[door slams on Phenom Pennyworth]
[laser sound effect]
QUAID: As I was saying, Your Honor...
HASTOOIE WINKO: Yeah.
QUAID: I call to the stand… Mr. Leximar Pwench!
[Pump Up The Justice theme music starts playing in background]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Super Agent Leximar Pwench?
QUAID: That's correct.
SUSAN: No one could, uh, get a meeting with him.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Zowie!
QUAID: Well, he's got a meeting… with justice.
[music continues, fireworks]
ANNOUNCER: Leximar P-P-Pweeeeench!!
DEEP VOICE: Pwench up the jams!!
LEXIMAR: [aggressively schmoozing] I just wanna say? I love everyone’s work here.
SUSAN: Wow. Wow! Whew!
LEXIMAR: Just a big fan. Big fan!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow. That means a lot. Lexi, it's an honor to ask you to slate to camera, this—here, also, my reel and, uh…
LEXIMAR: Oh, fantastic, I—
HASTOOIE WINKO: I own judges' robes if you need to—if, uh, there's a judge's part—
LEXIMAR: Oh, fantastic. I always watch these. Thank you so much for this.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oh, wow.
LEXIMAR: I'm Leximar Pwench. I am… two meters tall.
[a gasp, audience starts cheering]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Wow, exactly on the nose.
LEXIMAR: And I am represented by Pwench Associates, Incorporated, Associates.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Signed both—both lines of that contract say Lexi Pwench.
SUSAN: Oh, wow!
LEXIMAR: Let's do it! Tell me a little bit about yourself.
QUAID: Um, I'd rather not, Mr. Pwench. I'd like to ask you a number of questions about your client, the Bargarean Jade.
LEXIMAR: Hey, Barge! You look great, by the way.
BARGIE: Um…
LEXIMAR: Have you lost weight? I'm serious.
BARGIE: This's a little awkward… Uh, yeah—
LEXIMAR: But have you?
BARGIE: I, uh, yeah, I—I, um…
LEXIMAR: [laughs] How great is she? How great is she, am I right?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Save Bargie!
LEXIMAR: Oho, you heard it here!
QUAID: Mr. Pwench, she's extremely great. There's no questions about that. What there are questions about is how great… you are.
[air horns]
[applause]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Quaid Blizmo is turnin' it on his own witness! This is a good, good deal… [whispering loudly] for the ratings!
QUAID: Mr. Pwench, I assert that the Bargarean Jade entered into a contract with you to obtain acting work, her life's passion, and you took that contract and turned around and used it to make billions of kroon off of her good name.
LEXIMAR: Maybe old Lexi did a few deals on the back end, but hey, that's where I get most of my income.
QUAID: You took your ability to represent the Bargarean Jade and used it to mis-represent her all over town, as you can see from these clips.
[playback start sound]
ADVERTISER 1: [enthusiastically, over a beat] You know what's cool, kids? Huffin' paint thinner! Love it! And so does Bargie!
BARGIE: This is the Bargarean Jade, and I approve of this message.
[playback start sound]
ADVERTISER 2: [over banjo music] You know what's lame? Child labor laws. Vote no on Proposition 2.
BARGIE: This is the Bargarean Jade, and I approve of this message.
[playback start sound]
ADVERTISER 3: [alluringly, over lo-fi music] Ooh, the smoky voice, leathery skin, and long-lasting health effects of a cigarillio smoker.
BARGIE: This is the Bargarean Jade, and I approve of this message.
[playback start sound]
ADVERTISER 3: [over soft piano] Juntawa juntawa? Juntawa JUNtawaaaaa.
BARGIE: Juntawa juntawa, Bargarean Jade, juntawa juntawa juntawa.
HASTOOIE WINKO: That's by far the worst one.
QUAID: And you thought this would be a fun little kroon grab, didn't ya, Mr. Pwench? Didn’t you?
LEXIMAR: I thought it would be a lucrative kroon grab. I—by the way, you are... I've seen you from something. What have I seen you in?
QUAID: You've definitely seen me in something.
LEXIMAR: Are you—do you currently have representation?
QUAID: Mr. Pwench, is it fair to say that all of the counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of tax evasion, leveled at the Bargarean Jade in this court today, are your doing, and not the Bargarean Jade's?
[audience boos]
LEXIMAR: [evasively] Why are we all here? I'll tell ya. Stories, right?
QUAID: [disrespectfully] Mr. Pwench, respectfully? Answer the question.
LEXIMAR: Uh… I mean, my—I—
[sound stage bell]
PRODUCER: Alright, umm, uh, we're gonna skip right ahead to closing arguments... uh…
QUAID: Oh, no, I got—I have to call Bargie to the stand.
BARGIE: Well, it's my—I have a lot to say, I prepared a speech…
PRODUCER: Then you should have used your time more wisely.
BARGIE: I have a video...
PRODUCER: You shouldn't've let Phenom Pennyworth talk so much.
QUAID: Okay, I—I didn't even call him to the stand.
PRODUCER: He wasn't your extra?
QUAID: No, I don't—I have no idea.
PRODUCER: [flipping through papers] Who—was he your extra?
SUSAN: No, I don't know.
PRODUCER: Well, listen, he stole your limelight, and he also stole time from your star witnesses, so—
QUAID: Well, alright. Barge, I'm so sorry.
BARGIE: Well, can I at least sing a song?
PRODUCER: Nope, we don't have time for it.
HASTOOIE WINKO: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been living our every moment of our lives up until this moment for now… [dramatically, with reverb] the closing arguments.
[laser sound effects, audience cheers]
[gavel banging]
SUSAN: [fully in character as the sexless prosecutor] Today you heard a lot of talk, and movement, and speech, and imagery from both sides. And it's up to now you, the viewers at home, all seven billion of you, to vote in and text 1 for “innocent”—whatever—or 2 for “GUILTY,” to 256-472-9653. This is a real number, I'm NOT lying to you, okay? It's 2 for “guilty” for the following reasons: we have many videos and audio transcriptions of her promoting things that are illegal, and, frankly, outrageous. And I'm here today to say all 115 counts of financial treason, and murder, and unsafe scaffolding, and for just wearin' things out of style, I mean, come on, let's really think about it…
GOSSIPTRON: This goss is hot!
SUSAN: …should be voted guilty. Thank you so much. I rest my case, but for real.
HASTOOIE WINKO: And that's it for the prosecution. [laser sound effect, reverb] Kickin' it into the defenssse!
QUAID: Ladies and gentlemen of the viewing audience, we've had a lot of fun today. Haven't we? It's been quite a ride.
[whoops, cheers, screams from the audience]
QUAID: Yeah. Yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: Woo!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: Kiss her!
QUAID: The Bargarean Jade is up here on a number of counts of tax evasion, of tax fraud, and of money laundering, okay? And I'm not saying that those things didn’t happen. But what I—
[audience “ooh”s]
BARGIE: What? What? Wait, hold on, what?
QUAID: Bargie, just—please?
BARGIE: Okay, but you literally just said, “I'm not saying those things didn't happen.”
QUAID: Bargie, can you trust Blizmo? Can you trust Blizmo.
BARGIE: Okay, fine.
QUAID: But what I am saying, is the Bargarean Jade was swindled—
BARGIE: Okay.
QUAID: —into agreeing to forfeit her likeness to a predatory agent by the name of Leximar Pwench. And Mr. Pwench used the wholesome, familiar, comforting image of the Bargarean Jade to promote his extremely questionable, and frankly disgusting, projects across the galaxy to the expense of Miss Jade. So, is she guilty? [pause] Perhaps.
BARGIE: What? No!
QUAID: Barge, please?
BARGIE: But you just—I don't—
QUAID: Barge, please.
BARGIE: I do not—okay.
QUAID: Is the Bargarean Jade guilty? Perhaps. She may be guilty of trusting—
BARGIE: What?
QUAID: —a bad agent.
BARGIE: Ohh. Yeah.
QUAID: But she is INNOCENT of all… of these… crimes. And in summation, I'd just like to say… we all wanna be big stars. But we don't know why. And we don't know how. But when everybody loves me—
[a stifled giggle from someone]
QUAID: —I wanna be just about as happy as I can be. And that's exactly what happened to my client, the Bargarean Jade! Text 1 for “innocent” to 256-472-9653. This is a real number that you can text right now if you want to save a life.
BARGIE: And I'm Bargarean Jade, and I approve of this message. Also, um, there's something weird happening inside of me right now.
[laser sound effects, crowd noise ramps up, Pump Up The Justice music starts playing in the background]
HASTOOIE WINKO: Ladies, gentlemen, sentients, robots, beasts of all flavors, has this not been the most exciting trial in the history of the world? Heck, not just the world, of all of Holovision! It's in your hands. You text 1 for “innocent,” 2 for “guilty” to 256-472-9653.
DEEP VOICE: Standard data and text rates may apply.
HASTOOIE WINKO: Have we said that this is a real number?
DEEP VOICE: It's a real number!!!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Did somebody say that? I'm outta my mind! We will Pump Up The Justice and find out her fate…
[music cuts out, crowd noise continues]
HASTOOIE WINKO: …on the next episode.
[laser sounds]
HASTOOIE WINKO: You gotta get in on this justice thing, you gotta feel it deep inside your core. You gotta reach down, grab it by the neck, pull it out! You gotta hold it in front of yourself, you gotta see which side do you think is more, you gotta—
[sound stage bell cuts off the judge]
PRODUCER: Alright—
HASTOOIE WINKO: Oohoo!
PRODUCER: Who gave the judge more dust?
[Pump Up The Justice theme plays in full]
SINGER: Pump it up! Testimony / Pump it up! Deliberation / Pump it up! Objeption sustained / Pump it up! Guilty, guilty!
RAPPER: Swear to tell the truth, throw up your right hand [gavel sounds] / Court is now in session, pump up the justice, pump up the jams / Order in the court says the man with the hammer / Slate to camera, make sure you don't stammer / Objeptions will only get you so far / We don't follow rules 'cause we flunked the bar [gavel sounds] / Watch your back, don't let ratings sour / The execs in the booth have all the real power / Tell us your story, show us the proof / Let's skip the boring stuff, just spill the juice!
PRODUCER: Alright, that's lunch, everyone!
[sound stage bell]
PRODUCER: [laughing] Alright, uhhh... But first, uh, credit where credit is due. [bored, sort of rushing through the credits] The Honorable Judge Hastooie Winko was played by Seth Lind. Susan Prosecutioshfrr and Wink were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Defense Attorney Quaid Blizmo was played by Jeremy Bent. Producer and Script Supervisor were played by Allie Kokesh. Phenom Pennyworth, Treeboy, Sammo, and Leximar Pwench were played by Winston Noel. CraftyBot and Spaceship Spielship were played by Alden Ford. Oh! The Grower Mind was played by special guest John Robert Wilson. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Pump Up The Justice theme song composed and performed by Coco and the Puppy Pound. Uhhh, ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. Uh, one more thing: we assure you, you can actually vote on the outcome of this trial. Text 1 for “innocent,” 2 for “guilty” to the phone number 256-472-9653 to determine the fate of the Bargarean Jade. Alright, that's last sentient, back in 30.
[music ends with banging gavel]
[Promo: Stop Podcasting Yourself]
DAVE: Hi, I'm Dave.
GRAHAM: Hi, I'm Graham.
DAVE: And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine.
GRAHAM: We love it here, and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week…
DAVE AND GRAHAM: On Stop Podcasting Yourself!
DAVE: Here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from… Canada.
GRAHAM: And listen to our show or perish.
[snickering]
GRAHAM: Stop Podcasting Yourself.
DAVE: On maximumfun.org.
[Promo: Inside Pop]
SEAN: Unless you're able to discuss the semiotics of dire wolves and Game of Thrones, Inside Pop is definitely not for you.
AMITA: Sean, that's a little extreme, and also not quite true.
SEAN: Okay, Amita, how about: Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer.
AMITA: Much better.
SEAN: In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave.
AMITA: Past interviews include Luke Cage showrunner Cheo Hodari Coker, the music supervisor of The Florida Project, and Mudbound director Dee Rees.
SEAN: You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Sell segment.
AMITA: Plus the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do care a lot about dire wolves.
SEAN: Which, of course, symbolize our inability to truly connect with the natural world without ultimately destroying it, and in the process, destroying ourselves.
AMITA: Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun podcast network.
Maximumfun.org: comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
[outtake begins]
SETH/HASTOOIE WINKO: [without the voice filter] You know what? I'll—
JEREMY/QUAID: Your Honor—
SETH/HASTOOIE WINKO: I'll overrule it!
MOUJAN/SUSAN: Thank you, thank you.
SETH/HASTOOIE WINKO: No, that's the one you don't want.
[cast laughing]
[Allie laughs loudly, claps]
MOUJAN/SUSAN: [laughing] Damn it!
[more cast giggles]
MOUJAN: Damn it… Damn it—no, it is!
SETH: Oh, wait. You—you objected…
MOUJAN: You have to sustain it.
[second outtake]
SETH: I'm…
[suspenseful pause]
SETH: Goofy McJerkoff!
[Seth and the rest of the cast start laughing uncontrollably]
MOUJAN: You know, “Goofy McJerkoff”—“Jerkoff,” I'll remember. I'll remember.
WINSTON: I think that's it. I think we—
[laughter continues]