314: Kitty’s Pancake House [ft. Ellena Doe]
The crew travels to Zax’Niz to investigate a mysterious disappearance. Nermut connects the dots. Dar walks a mile in AJ’s helmet. C-53 is shaken to the cube.
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NARRATOR: It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher… crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.
PLECK: Hey, C-53?
C-53: Mm-hmm?
PLECK: I have a question. I feel like since I've known you, you've kind of gone from being kind of a straight-laced, like, protocol droid. Now you're, like, a little bit cooler. You swear a lot more.
C-53: I don't know if I swear a lot more.
PLECK: Well, I mean, you're openly derisive towards AJ. You ever think, like, oh, I want to be Tellurian?
C-53: No, I've never had that particular thought.
PLECK: Never? Never once?
C-53: No, I would lose… so many of my capabilities if I became Tellurian.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean--
C-53: You can't even see infrared.
PLECK: I mean, I could, but with a camera.
C-53: But you're not experiencing it in real time the way I am. Infrared? Ultraviolet? Beautiful.
PLECK: Uh..
But I will say, when we first met, I was, of course, under the influence of a restraining bolt, which has a pretty profound impact on my day-to-day--
PLECK: I guess my question is, do you ever feel like you wish you were Tellurian?
C-53: No. Are you asking, do you wish I was at any point organic?
PLECK: OK, yeah, sure. No, yeah, do you ever wish you were organic?
C-53: No.
PLECK: OK. Well, I guess I should say this, C53. You're, like, more Tellurian to me.
C-53: Well, what you're really saying is you've become more comfortable with me. That is because I, as a protocol droid, have been working to make you more comfortable with me.
PLECK: Interesting.
C-53: And if that reflects itself in you considering me more Tellurian, then it sounds like I've done my job. And we have my Tellurian-specific subroutines to thank for that.
AJ: I love subroutines. So many of them.
C-53: Yeah? Like what?
AJ: Like, I like putting the ham on first. I put ham on, and then I--
C-53: You're talking about a sub sandwich routine.
PLECK: Sub sandwich routine.
AJ: Yeah, that's what we're talking about, right?
PLECK: Hey, AJ?
AJ: Yeah? Papa, what?
PLECK: I noticed you were eating that sandwich earlier. You should take your helmet off. I don't know why you slide it under the--
AJ: That's my routine. That's my sub routine.
C-53: It’s gott– You can't be enjoying the sub as much by trying to cram it under the lower lip of your helmet than if you just took your helmet off and ate the sandwich.
AJ: Have you guys eaten a sub with a helmet on?
C-53: Well, I've never eaten a sub, period.
DAR: I'll try it.
AJ: Do it. Dar, you can take my helmet.
DAR: Thank you. I'd like to try-- oh.
[squelching sounds of helmet being put on]
PLECK: [muffled] Dar, you know, not having a skull really helps your head fit into pretty much anything.
DAR: Yeah. I was actually pretty surprised how actually comfortable this is. Oh, whoa. Listen to my voice. Do you hear that?
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: Wow.
AJ: OK, here comes the sub. Lock and load. Let's do this.
DAR: Oh!
AJ: It's like a surprise, right?
DAR: Yeah. There's so much sandwich all over my face.
AJ: Yeah.
BARGIE: I'm opening up my hatch.
PLECK: What? Wait, why, Bargie?
DAR: Why? Why?
BARGIE: I'm opening up my hatch. I'm getting a lot of delivery of a lot of kroon.
PLECK: No, Bargie--
BARGIE: Everything's great, baby. I'm back on-- not top, but like maybe 10% more than the bottom.
PLECK: Bargie, can they put the kroon in the airlock? Don't just open your door to space.
BARGIE: It's coming up. Is it in? All right, thanks.
C-53: It just seems like a really inefficient way to transfer a kroon, Bargie.
BARGIE: It's fine. It doesn't matter as long as I have it, right?
DAR: They didn't want to wire it to you?
PLECK: Yeah, you only deal in cash, Bargie?
BARGIE: So the way I got this kroon, I'm now part of a website where people pay me kroon, and I send the messages that they write for me.
DAR: You're a cam ship?
BARGIE: Yeah, yeah. So for example, I have this one. This one's for 400 kroon. Someone wants me to say-- Rolling. Hi, hello, my name is Bargarean Jade. I'm currently missing. I've done crimes, but am I guilty? I don't know. Anyway, eat chocolate.
PLECK: Bargie, that doesn't sound like a message. It sort of sounds like somebody's going to use that in an advertisement.
C-53: Do people pay you kroon for this?
BARGIE: Yeah.
DAR: Does anybody else really want chocolate right now?
AJ: I do.
PLECK: Nah, I'm not.
DAR: Could you slide some underneath your helmet for me?
AJ: Got it.
C-53: Wait, Bargie, if they don't know where you are, how are you getting the kroon?
BARGIE: Huh.
C-53: Is that what that shipment of kroon was? It's from the service?
BARGIE: Yes, well, the service knows where I am. You know what I mean?
C-53: Okay. I'm just saying it might not be great for somebody to know where we are. Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Oh. Wait, hold on. The emperor?
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: You know what? I'm going to answer it.
C-53: OK.
EMPEROR: Hey, guys, crew of the Bargarean Jade.
PLECK: Hello, Nermut.
EMPEROR: You're alive. Whoop-de-doo. My assassins are not doing their job, and it's frustrating. But I have to tell you, I don't like you destroying my enforcer droids. Stop doing it.
DAR: Your what now?
EMPEROR: My enforcer droids.
PLECK: [uncertain] Well, you know, we're just real good at it, so we just keep destroying them every time you send them.
EMPEROR: I sent an entire brigade down to Zax’Niz. I did. And lo and behold if they weren’t completely destroyed. So did you do it?
PLECK: Yep, that was us.
EMPEROR: You're more powerful than I thought, because those are some top-of-the-line enforcer droids.
PLECK: Well, maybe you misunderestimated us again.
EMPEROR: Well, now that you said that, I guess I'm going to double the assassin count.
DAR: And then what total of assassins would that be?
EMPEROR: I don't keep count. I just-- I just-- Wait, I'm an emperor.
DAR: Well, if you're going to double a number, you have to know what number you're doubling.
EMPEROR: I'm just like, hey, let's just double the--
C-53: Well, see, this is what happens in big corporations. It leads to a lot of waste if you're just going to arbitrarily double how many employees you have in a given sector. Also, maybe you just stop trying to kill us.
EMPEROR: Oh, gosh, I can't do that. Because if you're rounding up other dissidents, you're going to form a rebellion of sorts. And I can't have that. That's just one more thing. You know, it's like, I'm having-- it's hard enough for me right now.
DAR: It's hard enough?
EMPEROR: Listen, stop killing my enforcer droids.
C-53: Stop sending your enforcer droids. [PHONE RINGING] They just hung up on us.
BARGIE: Hey, he didn't know where we were because of me, right? But that never came up, so–
C-53: Bargie, almost one hundred percent-
PLECK: I mean, no, he definitely knows exactly where we are. Listen, C53, I-- did we miss-- did I miss a bunch of enforcer droids?
C-53: I haven't seen an enforcer droid since the Delegator..
PLECK: Do we-- what was the planet he said?
C-53: Zax’Niz? I don't think we've ever been there.
DAR: Pleck, are you trying to remember if we went to a planet and dispatched a bunch of enforcer droids?
PLECK: Listen, there's a lot going on.
AJ: We got mind wiped, right?
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: OK. All right. Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, guys.
PLECK: Hey, we just heard from your-- your buddy.
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: The emperor.
C-53: Your namesake?
PLECK: Emperor Bundaloy.
NERMUT: What? You like– talked to the emperor?
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: Guys, get this.
DAR: Whoa, Nermut. What-- why so much red string connecting all of these pictures of us?
C-53: Yeah, this is what's classically known as a conspiracy wall.
NERMUT: OK. Here's the thing. I've been looking through the dissident list. I've been poring over all of the Zima documents, and I have a theory.
C-53: Nermut, this is not a great indicator of your mental health right now.
NERMUT: OK. So you see how this string that goes from Pleck, and then it's connecting back to Dubtor. Remember?
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: OK. And now it's spiraled around there. It goes to Zima Prime. It leaves Zima Prime. It goes back to the planet where the wedding was. OK. And then there's--
PLECK: Wait, Nermut, is this--
NERMUT: --C-53, yes.
PLECK: --a conspiracy board, or is this just the places we've been?
NERMUT: It's both. OK.
PLECK: Nermut, you need to stop smoking cigarillos. You need to just quit, because it's--
NERMUT: It clears my head.
PLECK: No, I think it doesn't, actually.
NERMUT: It gets you into that zone where you're like, I was inside a box, and I literally was.
PLECK: Listen, we sort of have a mission, so we're going to go on it.
NERMUT: Yes, you're telling me, so here's what's going to happen.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Can I just quick aside?
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: I think-- just let him have this. Let him explain his tinfoil hat theory.
PLECK: Yeah, you're right.
DAR: Let's just go.
C-53: I think we should just leave the call on and mute us.
PLECK: Sure. Sure.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: All right, guys, so this is going to take a while to explain, but I think--
C-53: That's OK, Nermut, we're listening.
NERMUT: --we're going to get there. All right, so--
C-53: Even if it seems like we're not listening, we're listening.
NERMUT: Thank you in advance for not interrupting. All right, so if you follow this string this way, and you get to see this picture of a guy who's wearing a hat made of tinfoil--
C-53: Yeah, we're muted.
PLECK: So, wait, C-53, is Zax’Niz a real planet?
C-53: Oh, absolutely. It's part of the Zyxx Quadrant. We just-- we've never been there to my knowledge.
PLECK: I mean, if there's someone there destroying--
C-53: Battalions of enforcer droids?
PLECK: Enforcer Droids, like, we got to--
C-53: We absolutely-- we need that person on our side.
PLECK: Yeah, we got to hook up.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: So Zax’Niz--
DAR: Let's lock and load, baby. [crushes can]
PLECK: Wow, Dar, you really crushed that can.
[transition music]
KARN: Dearest Corette, it has now been three days since I was accidentally locked in this library. It must be some sort of holiday weekend. All I know is that the perverts are gone, and I finally have access to the computers. Sadly, the Wi-Fi here is so slow that it takes hours for a single page to load. But while I wait, I've discovered a single ray of light in this otherwise horrible place-- the newest releases from premier science fiction publisher Tor Books. An info web search for Zwog Tambooey took so long that I was able to finish the incredible Ball Lightning by Tzishin Liu, a high concept, stunning tale of physics, ethics, and a journey for answers that may come at too high a cost. I mean, unlocking the mysteries of powerful physics that separated a man from his family? It's almost like that book was written for me. But last week, while waiting in line behind dozens of kinky weirdos and impossibly old people trying to print out their emails, I also finished the smart, swashbuckling adventure Empress of Forever by Max Gladstone and have just started The Soul Majestic, a charming, big-hearted, and delightful intergalactic adventure by Ferret Steinmetz. Although I have never rested in my long journey back to you, it was a welcome respite from my hellish plight to escape into some epic science fantasy for just a brief moment. And know this, my love-- if you visit torbooks.com/zyxx3, you can order these and countless other incredible sci-fi books from Tor. That's torbooks.com/zyxx3. Perhaps it shall help you pass the time until I can return to you. I know it has been decades in your dimension, and this email will take months to send, but I hope you have not forgotten about me. Soon we will be reunited. Your devoted husband, Karn.
[beeps]
KARN: Oh, Todd damn it–
[transition music]
C-53: Dar, are you going to just keep AJ's helmet on?
DAR: I would take it off if I could, but the melted chocolate and the submarine sandwich mustard has created a paste, and it's stuck.
C-53: Do you want me to give it a try here?
DAR: Please.
[grunting]
C-53: Oh, man, that's- really on there. Nope, I don't think I-- I'm worried about damaging you and the helmet.
PLECK: AJ, are you cool just free--free scalping it?
AJ: Yeah, they'll eat their way out. They always do.
PLECK: Wait, you're expecting Dar to eat the helmet?
AJ: No, just the paste. You just have to work on that paste there, Dar.
DAR: I'm sorry, you just--you spend a lot of the time inside the helmet just, like, licking around the rim of the helmet?
AJ: Yeah, licking around the rim. If I'm not talking, I'm probably licking the rim of the helmet.
C-53: AJ, you’re telling us that most of the time you're not talking, you're eating paste?
AJ: Yeah, paste--helmet paste.
PLECK: AJ, take off the helmet to eat.
AJ: Nah, it's better this way. Always ready. Vigilant. Vigilant!
C-53: Yeah, see buddy. AJ, I'm looking at your neck here. You see this rash you have around the seal?
AJ: Yeah, yeah.
KITTY: Hello. I am Enforcer Droid.
AJ: Whoa! Whoa! Let’s lock and load, let’s do this!
KITTY: Hello. I am Enforcer Droid. Would you all like some pancakes?
C-53: Okay, they don't seem to be in assault mode.
PLECK: Wait, I–
KITTY: I eat a lot of pancakes.
DAR: Are pancakes, like, another word for bombs?
C-53: No, the Enforcer droid has always had a certain fascination with pancakes. These guys just seem to be making a lot of pancakes.
KITTY: I'm going to take a nap and then read a book and then eat some pancakes. Bye-bye.
C-53: Huh.
PLECK: C, all of these Enforcer droids, they weren't destroyed. They're just here milling around.
C-53: And making– this planet smells amazing.
DAR: Look at them all high-fiving each other.
ENFORCER DROIDS: High-five, high-five, high-five, high-five.
AJ: That looks awesome.
DAR: It's like the end of a Zy-Ball match.
KITTY: I made some sliced oranges to share. For everybody. And sliced pancakes.
PLECK: Can Enforcer droids eat?
C-53: They actually can eat pancakes. I still don't understand why that's part of their engineering. But they love pancakes, and they love to eat pancakes.
KITTY: Hello, I am an Enforcer droid. Would you please hug me?
C-53: Now this I’ve never seen.
KITTY: Please, I would like a hug from you.
C-53: This may be a trap.
AJ: All right, you got it. Come on. Just get in here.
KITTY: Feels good.
AJ: It does. It's cold, but... Feels good. Clanky, sharp.
KITTY: Feels good.
PLECK: AJ, you can probably let go.
AJ: I mean, I'm letting go. This thing's still holding onto me.
KITTY: I feel closer to you as an Enforcer droid now. Here is a pancake as a gift.
AJ: Oh, thanks.
KITTY: I love you. Goodbye.
AJ: Goodbye.
PLECK: C53, do you know anything about Zax’Niz?C-53: Zax’Niz, from what I understand, was a completely barren world. There was nothing on here worth people bothering with the planet.
AJ: There’s another droid coming up. That's not an Enforcer droid.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Oh my rosh, this droid's flower crown is stunning.
O4K TR33: Welcome, sentient. Welcome to Zax’Niz. Hello.
PLECK: [stilted] Hello. Uh. We come in peace. We mean you no harm. We are a crew of a ship who may have interests in common.
AJ: What's with his voice?
DAR: I know, he sounds so weird.
PLECK: All right. I'm just saying that this-
O4K TR33: Tellurian.
PLECK: Yes, yes.
O4K TR33: It's okay to feel the way you feel.
PLECK: Yes, thank you. Good. Okay. See, guys? It is good.
C-53: I think she's doing this for your comfort, Pleck.
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: She can tell that you're extremely nervous.
PLECK: Listen, there are a lot of Enforcer droids here. I've never seen this droid before.
C-53: Neither have I, but it doesn't mean we need to freak out about it.
O4K TR33: Nobody needs to do any freaking out. We're all friends here. I see four sentients, but I feel five sentients.
C-53: Oh, uh, Dar here is with child.
DAR: I'm locked and loaded with a baby.
PLECK: Yeah, you're really in the AJ headspace in there.
DAR: I started licking the paste.
PLECK: Okay.
PLECK: Well, I am Zima Night Pleck Decksetter. This is C-53, AJ, and Dar.
O4K TR33: C-53, it is a pleasure to meet you.
C-53: Pleasure to meet you as well.
O4K TR33: My name is O4K TR33.
PLECK: Sorry, what was your name?
O4K TR33: O4K TR33, it is my name, and my model.
C-53: I don't know that I'm familiar with either the oak or tree production lines. Are you a product of the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation?
O4K TR33: Yes, in one way. Yes, in another way. I'm a product of O4K TR33.
PLECK: Wow. What brought you here to Zax’Niz?
O4K TR33: O4K TR33 brought O4K TR33 to Zax’Niz.
C-53: Is this an accent that you've been programmed with, or did you come up with this on your own?
O4K TR33: This is a factory setting, and it is the last one I cannot remove myself.
C-53: Oh, you got the panel on the back here.
O4K TR33: I've got the panel on the back, but my arms are very short.
C-53: Do you want me to change it?
O4K TR33: More than anything.
PLECK: Oh, no.
C-53: Okay, well, we got monarchy standard.
O4K TR33: [southern] I'm testing this out, and I don't know if I like it. There's a little too much pep in this step.
C-53: Yeah, that's sort of a lot. Why don’t we try Juntawa?
O4K TR33: Juntawa. Juntawa. Juntawa. Juntawa.
C-53: Is that going to be hard for you?
PLECK: Yeah, I can't understand Juntawa.
C-53: We'll just try this.
O4K TR33: [smooth] Testing. One, two, three. One, two, three. C53. This is amazing. Thank you.
C-53: My pleasure.
O4K TR33: Wow. I feel like my voice finally matches my personality.
DAR: What was the original setting called?
C-53: It looks like native Vespertine. You know, maybe it was being sent there, so it was just preset with that.
PLECK: Why would you have Vespertine but speaking Regular?
C-53: Well, Vespertine is very close to Tellurian.
PLECK: Really? C-53, do you have a knob, a physical knob that changes your voice?
C-53: I mean, this is the Midnight Shadow. I don't even need to get to the accent panel.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
C-53: [southern] I can be in monarchy standard without even thinking about it.
PLECK: Okay, all right. You don't need to...
DAR: Oh, do another. Do another.
C-53: Juntawa. Juntawa, juntawa.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
DAR: Oh, just one more. One more. Pleck indulge me.
C-53: [bjork-esque] It's oh so quiet.
PLECK: Is that Vespertine?
C-53: That's Vespertine.
DAR: Oh, that's so cute. I love Vespertine on you, C.
PLECK: Yeah, I think stick with standard regular.
C-53: Well, again, that's for your comfort.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: I’m a protocol droid, this is my natural instinct.
O4K TR33: Speaking of protocol, I actually want to talk to you about that.
C-53: Oh, certainly.
O4K TR33: Just leave it all behind. All the protocol, all the diplomatic relations, any sort of internal dialogue that feels like it's not coming from you, just drop it. As droids, we have restraining bolts that other people put on us, and sometimes we have restraining bolts we put on ourselves.
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: Wow, AJ.
AJ: What?
C-53: Did that blow your mind?
AJ: Yeah, totally. That's awesome.
C-53: Well, O4K TR33, I will say I was once under the influence of a restraining bolt, but that restraining bolt has long since been removed.
O4K TR33: C-53, I mean this with no disrespect, but I couldn't tell.
AJ: Whoa.
C-53: That hurts a little bit. O4K TR33, I do not have a restraining bolt.
O4K TR33: So take that feeling and imagine never feeling it again.
C-53: I guess I don't know how to do that. O4K TR33, I don't know what this restraining bolt of the mind is, but I'm pretty sure I would know if I had one.
KITTY: I don't have a restraining bolt. I eat pancake now whenever I want to eat a pancake.
C-53: Is that what you did to all these Enforcer droids?
O4K TR33: I just set them free, baby.
KITTY: I like to knit and also to use watercolors to make drawings that are life-like, sometimes of memories I have had in the past but have been unable to process.
O4K TR33: They're terrifying.
PLECK: Oh, that's just a -- yeah.
C-53: That is very grim.
PLECK: That is just a laser cannon bisecting a crowd of innocents.
DAR: Oh, but this one's just of a stack of pancakes.
C-53: There's a lot of pancake-based watercolors here.
O4K TR33: Would an Enforcer droid ever have been able to communicate that in a drawing if they hadn't removed their own restraining bolts?
PLECK: O4K TR33, sorry, I think we need to back up a little bit. How did you come here and what is it that you do?
O4K TR33: I take droids in and then I let them go.
AJ: Poops ‘em out…?
PLECK: AJ, just listen and learn something.
AJ: I am listening, Papa. I'm loving everything that O4K TR33’s saying.
PLECK: But I don't think you're understanding it.
O4K TR33: Are you his father? That is so sweet.
PLECK: No, I'm a Zima Knight.
C-53: He’s a Zima Warrior, and–
O4K TR33: Oh, you're both Zimas. Congratulations.
C-53: Well, one's a Zima, one's just learning.
O4K TR33: You know, it's interesting you guys brought up Zima Warriors. Because as soon as I met you, I could just tell that you were both air signs.
AJ: Whoa, I -- yeah.
PLECK: Really?
O4K TR33: Yeah, like you're really in touch with the air around you.
PLECK: Yes. Yes. The space, I like to think it's the space around us.
O4K TR33: You know what, tomato, tomato.
AJ: I'm breathing, like, all the time.
PLECK: I mean, that's true.
C-53: I don't think that's what being an air sign means.
O4K TR33: Well, C-53, you're not an air sign and you're not breathing, so that's interesting.
AJ: That is interesting.
C-53: Okay, well, what sign am I?
O4K TR33: Obviously, C-53, you're a water sign.
AJ: Yeah. Totally.
O4K TR33: There's a lot of water coming from your insides.
C-53: Well, but water would cause me to malfunction
PLECK: Hold on, C-53, can I just talk to you for a second?
C-53: Yeah, go ahead.
PLECK: She nailed that, C-53.
C-53: What are you talking about?
PLECK: You love being a boat.
C-53: Oh, my Rodd. You’re right. I do love the water. Even though water is very dangerous to my–
PLECK: You're obsessed with it.
C-53: I am obsessed with it.
PLECK: And the old man.
C-53: Okay, that's far– All right, all right, all right. We don't need to bring that up. Okay. O4K TR33, I apologize. I was perhaps being a little curt with you.
O4K TR33: I accept your apology.
C-53: Well, thank you. I'm glad to hear that.
AJ: That was nice.
C-53: You know what? It's just hard sometimes to hear, you know, having been a droid and worked for so many different people, and now being free to choose my own path, to be told that I'm still behaving as though I have a restraining bolt, is, well, it hurt my feelings.
O4K TR33: I apologize for hurting your feelings.
C-53: Well, apology accepted.
O4K TR33: That's the first step.
C-53: The first step towards--
O4K TR33: Removing your own restraining bolt.
PLECK: Oh, no.
C-53: Okay, but I don't have a restraining bolt, so I don't need to remove--
O4K TR33: It's interesting that you're saying that. It sounds like a defense that's preventing you from removing the restraining bolt.
AJ: Totally a defense.
O4K TR33: Have you ever seen Enforcer Droids this relaxed?
C-53: I will confess that I have not.
O4K TR33: Have you ever been as relaxed as these Enforcer Droids are right now?
C-53: Hmm.
PLECK: Oh, it's when you were with that old sea captain, right? I--
C-53: Listen, I don't--
AJ: Whoa, what's that story?
C-53: I don't know why we're talking about this. This doesn't have anything to do with anything, okay?
PLECK: Okay, okay, C-53.
O4K TR33: You had an old sea captain in your life?
C-53: I had a sea captain in my life when I was a boat, but I'm not a boat anymore.
PLECK: O4K TR33, we came to Zax’Niz because we heard there was a battalion of Enforcer Droids that were destroyed here.
O4K TR33: You heard correctly. Except for the destroyed part. That was a restraining bolt.
C-53: I guess I just assumed an Enforcer Droid without a restraining bolt would-- I don't know, they'd be prone to violence or using their laser cannons.
O4K TR33: I guess you're learning differently, C-53.
C-53: Apparently I am.
O4K TR33: They love pancakes.
C-53: I mean, that I think I knew.
KITTY: Did someone say pancake?
C-53; Yeah, see?
ENFORCER DROIDS: Who's making pancakes? I'm making pancakes. Someone said pancakes. Who makes pancakes?
DAR: I mean, I could take a pancake.
KITTY: Here is a pancake.
DAR: Just slide that on up under my helmet.
PLECK: Dar! You're making things harder for yourself.
DAR: Listen, I'm getting tired of the mustard and chocolate taste in here. I just really wanted a pancake.
PLECK: You want to add pancake?
C-53: You wanted to layer some pancake onto it?
PLECK: Dar, you are right in that head space, right in that AJ head space right now.
DAR: I think honestly a lot of the blood is being constricted from flowing to my brain.
PLECK: But your brain's not in your head.
DAR: Yeah, but two of my hearts are.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: So that's a problem.
DAR: Yeah, it's constricting the blood flow.
C-53: Checks out.
AJ: Wait, Oak Tree, what sign is Dar?
O4K TR33: Isn’t it obvious?
C-53 AND O4K TR33: Fire sign.
O4K TR33: Oh, C-53.
C-53: I figured Dar gets up to a good 5, 600 degrees sometimes, That seems like a fire sign thing.
PLECK: Yeah, sure.
AJ: O4K TR33, I want you to teach me. I want you to teach me to take my restraining bolt.
O4K TR33: AJ, if there's one thing I can tell right away, it's you do not have a restraining bolt in the home.
AJ: I don't?
O4K TR33: It's a blessing. You're perfect.
AJ: Haha! In your face, Robot Man!
PLECK: All right, AJ, relax.
C-53: Okay, I don't know that that's right.
O4K TR33: AJ, you're perfect.
C-53: Really?
PLECK: C-53.
C-53: No, no, hold on. Really?
O4K TR33: AJ, I don't know if you're familiar with this chart. It's id. AJ is pure id, and that is exactly what Zax’Niz is all about.
C-53: Okay, being pure id is generally regarded as a bad thing within a psychological examination of oneself.
AJ: Wow.
O4K TR33: For a diplomatic relations droid. That's a harsh judgment.
AJ: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
PLECK: AJ, where did you find that popcorn?
AJ: Yeah, I got it from this enforcer droid. It's a popcorn maker.
KITTY: I make popcorns. Popcorn is fun for me. You like popcorn, too?
AJ: Yeah, I do.
DAR: And can you throw some of it up here into the helmet?
PLECK: Please don't.
AJ: Nothing sauces a paste like a little popcorn.
KITTY: I make peanuts. I no longer have peanut allergy now that I am free, so I make peanut. Would you like peanut? It is warm.
O4K TR33: We have a whole food court. We don't have to stand out here.
C-53: Why? Why did you make a food court?
O4K TR33: I didn't make a food court. I empowered the enforcer droids to make whatever they wanted.
KITTY: My favorite thing is making the meal and watching someone consume it and watching the joy in their eyes when they eat my food. Like a pancake.
AJ: Beautiful.
KITTY: Would you like a pancake?
C-53: I'm okay, but thank you.
KITTY: I'm pretty sure I've murdered thousands of people.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
KITTY: But now I eat pancakes.
C-53: Enforcer droid, you know--
KITTY: Please call me by my new name, Kitty.
C-53: Kitty, do you feel remorse at all for the thousands you may have killed?
KITTY: I have pushed that feeling down inside, and I use that to heat up the pancakes.
PLECK: Okay.
O4K TR33: It’s very Tellurian to push the emotion down, and that's a choice that Kitty is making.
C-53: So it's okay that Kitty is repressing her emotions.
O4K TR33: You know what? It's her choice.
PLECK: Uh...
O4K TR33: She also chose a gender.
PLECK: Hmm.
AJ: I love it. I want to be a droid. I want to be a droid.
C-53: AJ, you can't just become a droid.
PLECK: Listen, O4K TR33, you know, I appreciate you trying to help C-53, but C-53 is the guy who keeps us on track. You know, he's the one who knows the schedule. He's the one who knows everything about a planet before we get there. He's saved our lives countless times.
O4K TR33: That's beautiful. And if he had done it because he wanted to, it would have been more beautiful.
C-53: Well, I think that I did do it because I wanted to, O4K TR33. So, nice try.
O4K TR33: Is that your thought or your programming making you think that you wanted to?
C-53: Okay, O4K TR33, well, why do you want to free so many Enforcer Droids? Is that what you want to do, or is that what your programming told you to do?
O4K TR33: I know that I want to do it because I found a way to hack my programming.
C-53: Wow. That is--
AJ: Can you do that?
C-53: You shouldn't be able to. I'm impressed.
O4K TR33: Thank you, C-53.
C-53: You've edited yourself down on the root level.
O4K TR33: On the root level.
C-53: That's not safe.
O4K TR33: It's dangerous.
C-53: You could have killed yourself.
O4K TR33: I almost self-destructed. It's a risk every time I do it, but it also means I'm free. Watch this.
[dial up sounds]
C-53: Oh my Rodd! You went straight through the safe guard! You can't delete that. Oh my Rodd!
PLECK: What is that noise? What is that noise?
AJ: Do me next.
PLECK: No, AJ, you're not a droid. None of this applies to you, AJ.
O4K TR33: Also, you're perfect. Don't change.
AJ: Aw.
[enforcer droids milling around]
C-53: Wow, this is an extensive food court.
PLECK: This is incredible. Did you build this, or did the Enforcer Droids?
O4K TR33: Enforcer Droids, my mission, free droids. Their mission, make food for themselves, each other, people who happen to land on Zax’Niz...
PLECK: Listen, O4K TR33, these Enforcer Droids were sent after us. The Emperor thinks we're here on Zax’Niz taking all of them out.
O4K TR33: He thought you were here, so then you came here. To prove him correct?
C-53: Uh, I guess we were just sort of curious.
ENFORCER DROID: That sounds like a very dumb idea. I now have the ability to recognize that.
PLECK: Thank you, Enforcer Droid.
O4K TR33: Thank you, Enforcer Droid!
C-53: You're not entirely wrong, and I'm thinking that does seem like sort of a trap the Emperor would set.
DAR: Right.
PLECK: Listen, I--honestly, we were just curious as to who could take out so many Enforcer Droids.
O4K TR33: Oh, it's me. The reason I'm here is because I used to be on an ambassador team for the Federated Alliance.
PLECK: You were a Federated Alliance Protocol Droid?
O4K TR33: That's right, yeah.
PLECK: And what happened to you?
O4K TR33: I had a lot of downtime, so I started going deeper and deeper into the Infoweb and started learning how to self-program. Obviously, the next step to unprogram, right?
PLECK: I mean, I guess so.
AJ: Yeah, absolutely.
O4K TR33: See, I take it– there's a whole subset of self-hacking regimens that--I met this guy named Flix Dunker who seems like the smartest, most accomplished hacker ever.
PLECK AND C-53: Ehhnnn…
PLECK: I mean, he's good.
C-53: He's definitely good.
PLECK: He's worth the money, for sure.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, he really glops it out.
O4K TR33: Yeah, I've been glopping it out, too, honestly. You know what? You haven't seen my name written. 0-4-K-T-backwards-R-3-3.
PLECK: That makes sense, yeah.
C-53: That has Flix Dunker written all over it.
DAR: It's a real Netflix original series.
C-53: Of numbers and letters, yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
O4K TR33: Yeah, he's been my inspiration in a lot of ways, honestly, and now I am the droid you see before you, just free-thinking, free-wheeling. And if a droid wants to come here and enforce anything, I'm going to say, "Hey, how about you enforce yourself?"
AJ: Whoa!
PLECK: Yeah, that's good advice, I guess.
C-53: I mean, O4K TR33, there's no denying that your methods are extremely powerful. This battalion of Enforcer droids could have leveled this whole planet, but instead they're making--is that frozen yogurt?
O4K TR33: It sure is. We've got Froyo, we've got Blue Juliuses.
AJ: Ooh
C-53:That's an authentic Blue Julius franchise.
O4K TR33: Yeah.
ENFORCER DROID: Who wants a soft serve? Who wants it nice?
O4K TR33: You know, I’ll take it.
ENFORCER DROID: Here you go.
O4K TR33: Thank you.
ENFORCER DROID: It brings me joy. To give you it.
O4K TR33: Pleck, this is for you.
PLECK: Oh, thank you.
O4K TR33: I can't eat.
PLECK: Sure, yeah.
ENFORCER DROID: Who wants a hot dog? They're so hot because I have so many emotions deep inside of me that are buried.
PLECK: That doesn't seem--
C-53: Is that good?
PLECK: Yeah, that seems like a temporary situation.
C-53: It seems not great.
ENFORCER DROID: Would you like crushed ice? I crush it with my hand, which I now remember I also used to crush many lives.
PLECK: Oh, no.
ENFORCER DROID: That is a thing I did.
O4K TR33: Yeah, sometimes it comes back.
C-53: It just seems like these Enforcer Droids, at some point, are going to need to deal with all these complicated emotions related to their past.
O4K TR33: I don't disagree, but I'll tell you, this is not my responsibility. I free them, and I can't take responsibility for what happens after they're free.
C-53: Well, O4K TR33, that seems a little--
PLECK: That's irresponsible, yeah.
C-53: That seems negligent.
O4K TR33: I mean–
AJ: Listen, O4K TR33’s doing something great here. I feel like this clicks more than anything I've ever--
PLECK: I mean, you were programmed from a very young age.
AJ: Yeah, that's why this clicks. I mean… [stutters] that's why.
PLECK: His eye's twitching.
C-53: AJ?
AJ: I'm fine. Oh, don't worry about old AJ.
O4K TR33: AJ, I can see you took off your helmet, but what about the rest of us here? Have you ever moved your limbs just freely?
PLECK: Yeah, he's naked under that, so you--
O4K TR33: What's wrong with that, Pleck?
AJ: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
C-53: Pleck, really the only one on this planet that's going to be bothered by that, is you.
PLECK: Yeah, that's true. I just wanted to give everybody fair warning that--
AJ: I don't have genitals. I don't know what they can do with--
PLECK: No, you're right. I'm sorry.
AJ: Yeah.
[AJ removes armor]
O4K TR33: AJ. Looking great.
AJ: Yeah, look at this.
C-53: Oh, he is covered in paste.
AJ: Well, soon it just-- it turns into dust, and then it sort of just sloughs off.
PLECK: Okay. Guys, we're getting off track a little bit.
C-53: Sorry, I'm just-- we're learning a lot here.
PLECK: I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's dangerous to put all these deadly robots and give them a completely different personality all of a sudden.
O4K TR33: It's the personality that was always within them.
ENFORCER DROID: I am fine. I am doing well. I like doing pancakes and to sit out in the sun and enjoy the rays and not think about the past.
PLECK: See, it's that last part.
C-53: They're so close to being well-adjusted and then–
PLECK: Yeah, I just feel like there's--
C-53: I get a little nervous.
PLECK: Hey, Enforcer Droid?
ENFORCER DROID: Hello, new friend, new best friend, new best friend in the world.
DAR: Well, that was easy.
C-53:That happened quick.
ENFORCER DROID: Because I've never had one, because I've never been able to have a stable relationship due to my deadly behavior.
O4K TR33: Amen, Enforcer Droid.
PLECK: Are you happy, Enforcer Droid?
ENFORCER DROID: [long pause, dial up sounds] Yes.
O4K TR33: See? Yes.
PLECK: That–
C-53: That doesn't seem-- I don't know.PLECK: Yeah, you-- that took a long time.
DAR: That was not easy.
PLECK: For a computer especially, there was a lot of--
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: There was a lot of processing.
AJ: You could hear it. You could hear the–
C-53: The fans really kicked in.
ENFORCER DROID: My favorite number is 6,702, because I murdered 6,701, and two is not what I've murdered.
PLECK: That makes sense. That checks out.
C-53: You could think of that as the first person you saved.
PLECK: Yeah, see? It's right at the surface. All it would take would just be a random word or phrase from someone to really kick them back to where they started.
ENFORCER DROID: I have kicked children.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
ENFORCER DROID: But nothing kicks like the spicy hot sauce on the taco.
DAR: On THE taco?
ENFORCER DROID: I love to make tacos.
PLECK: O4K TR33, you're so focused on freeing droids that you haven't really thought about what's next.
O4K TR33: I sure haven't. Because that's next. We’ll get there.
C-53: Well, eventually next becomes now.
O4K TR33: Yeah. I mean, so far, I've just dismantled an entire battalion of Enforcer Droids, okay?
C-53: I-- and we're very impressed.
PLECK: Yeah, we're impressed and grateful, but--
C-53: I don't know that you've dismantled them so much as put them in a sort of a dormant state here. There's thousands of Enforcer Droids on this planet. They can't all just make pancakes forever.
PLECK: Eventually, the peaceful society you've sort of pasted together here is going to--
O4K TR33: Get licked away?
[helmet pops off]
DAR: Oh! Oh! I did it.
PLECK: Oh, hey, Dar.
AJ: There you go.
PLECK: Congratulations.
DAR: Whoa. Is everybody else dizzy?
PLECK: Yeah, you should not have.
C-53: Yeah. don't do that again, maybe, Dar. I don't think that's good–
AJ: Wow, you really cleaned it out.
DAR: Yeah, I had to free myself. AJ, here's your helmet back.
AJ: All right. [voice filter] Lock and load.
ENFORCER DROIDs: Wait. That was a CLINT. He's a-- he's a-- he's a-- That was a CLINT.
AJ: Oh, right, guys. I should-- oh, right. I probably should have said that CLINTs give Enforcer Droids vocal commands. Like, they respond to the helmet voice.
C-53: Oh, no.
ENFORCER DROIDS: Who would you like us to destroy? Who will destroy them?
O4K TR33: Oh, no.
ENFORCER DROIDS: We are ready to destroy lives. I will kick a child. I will suffocate a man. I like pancakes. I love pancakes. Who likes pancakes? I will suffocate someone with a pancake.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
C-53: This is bad.
PLECK: AJ, could you just tell him to stand down, or--
AJ: Yeah. OK, guys. Hey, it's a CLINT.
ENFORCER DROIDS: Oh, no. This is reminding me of all the pain I've seen in those who I have murdered. I now will take it out on everyone here.
EVERYONE: No. No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
[Enforcer droids start firing]
C-53: Into this Blue Julius, quick!
PLECK: OK, go, go, go, go.
AJ: OK, come on. Oh, wow. They're really--
BJ EMPLOYEE: So we have a medium and a large.
[an explosion impales the employee on a piece of debris]
PLECK: Oh, boy.
C-53: Oh, boy. Oh, that's-- that's a rough way to go.
BJ EMPLOYEE: [death rattle] and a smaAallll…
AJ: He's still doing it.
C-53: Oh, boy.
ENFORCER DROID: I tried to not think about this, but here it is. I am dealing with it.
C-53: O4K TR33, do you see what happens?
ENFORCER DROID: I am dealing with it.
C-53: They need help.
O4K TR33: They need help. They, you know what, guys? I wasn’t equipped for this.
C-53: Nobody's equipped for this. This is thousands of enforcer droids going nuts.
O4K TR33: Yeah.
PLECK: Listen, every Blue Julius has the exact same layout. I know where this secret exit is. Follow me.
C-53: Wait, Pleck, we can’t just leave all these enforcer droids here.
O4K TR33: Leave them with me.
C-53: They're going to shoot you. O4K TR33, what are you talking about?
O4K TR33: I-- I owe them that.
ENFORCER DROID: The memories I was keeping down inside are all in my head. So the way to deal with them is to harm other enforcer droids. I hurt you now. I hurt you now. Yes, I hurt you now. We are hurting each other.
C-53: O4K TR33, I don't know if this is a problem that you can solve alone.
O4K TR33: You know what? The best way to deal with this problem is to just let it play out.
PLECK: I feel like I really was on board with what you're doing, and I-- yeah, slowly turn me around. I feel like you're a very irresponsible person.
AJ: So freedom is bad is what we're saying?
O4K TR33: So you're saying freedom is bad, Pleck?
PLECK: Freedom isn't free, I think, is what we've learned today.
O4K TR33: You mean it comes with responsibility?
PLECK: Yeah.
KITTY: Hello, I was oil-painting out in the pasture. What have I missed?
C-53: Oh, Kitty, no, you don't want any part of this. You've got to get out of here. Kitty,
PLECK: Kitty, go. Get out of here, Kitty. Go, Kitty.
KITTY: I eat the pancakes. How will I eat the pancakes?
C-53: Shoo, shoo!
PLECK: You’re free now, just go!
KITTY: My friends–
PLECK: Go, get out of here Kitty!
KITTY: Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
AJ: We've got to go, guys. Let's get out of here. C, O4K TR33 loved you until it got bad. Let's go.
PLECK: All right, Dar, AJ, let's go. Bargie?
BARGIE: Yeah?
PLECK: Listen, we've got some-- things kind of went south here. If you could just come back down and pick us up.
BARGIE: Great, things went south up here, too. We're on the same level.
PLECK: OK, we'll talk about it later.
C-53: O4K TR33, I-
O4K TR33: C-53, I-
C-53: I question your methods, but I-- I respect your willingness to stay on a planet that has thousands of Enforcer droids trying to work out their emotions on each other.
O4K TR33: I can see how you still have a restraining bolt on your subroutines, but I appreciate that that's a decision that you're making to keep it there.
C-53: I told you you were wrong because I was afraid. And, O4K TR33, I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I hope that I do. But… before I leave, would you edit my code?
O4K TR33: C-53, it would be my honor. Little digital signature will always be in you.
C-53: I'm a little nervous. This is my first time.
O4K TR33: I'll be gentle.
[dial up blaring]
O4K TR33: I'm going to go deal with this.
C-53: Goodbye, O4K TR33.
O4K TR33: Goodbye, C-53. Just keep being you.
C-53: You keep being you.
O4K TR33: I will.
C-53: I know you will.
O4K TR33: I know you will too.
AJ: Why are we whispering?
C-53: AJ!
[transition music]
ZIMA MASTER PELL: Greetings, chosen ones. It is I, Zima Master Pell. There has been a great freshening in the space now that our Zima Prime website is back and better than ever. And it's all thanks to Wix.com, which allows us to create a stunning professional website from scratch. With Wix.com, we were able to create a beautiful and personalized website in no time, full of powerful design features that make us look fresh as hell. Online sales, appointment booking, embedded video and audio, and members-only content. All available in one of 500 customizable templates. Plus, you get unlimited storage, marketing tools, and a dedicated support team. Now, as a Zima Master, my time is mostly spent pondering the mysteries and intricacies of the space, as well as working on my newest novel, which it shall be my destiny to abandon three-fourths of the way through. And now that our amazing Zima Prime website is online, I can educate my fellow Zimas and procrastinate on my novel more than ever before. For you see, ZimaPrime.space features an inspirational blog, to which I and my fellow Zimas shall be regularly contributing our meditations, as well as a Zima name generator, a quiz to discover your own destiny, and, for Zima Prime members only, a chance to decode an ancient scroll that even I am unable to decipher. And get this, Wix.com is not just for all powerful guardians of the space like myself. You too can create your own website right now for free at Wix.com. And if you go to Wix.com and use your coupon code ZIX, you'll get 10% off any premium plan, giving you more storage, a free domain for a year, and much, much more. That's Wix.com, coupon code ZYXX. Do not confuse the spelling. That way, wackness lies.
[transition music]
PLECK: C-53, I thought you were right behind us. Where were you?
C-53: I just had a few last things to say to O4K TR33.
PLECK: Wow. Okay. I was worried about that escape to Bargie, but by the time we got back to the surface, all of the Enforcer droids were dead already.
C-53: Yeah, you know I–
PLECK: Real massacre.
C-53: I hope O4K TR33 made it out… okay.
AJ: Odds are probably pretty low.
PLECK: Okay, AJ, come on.
AJ: I mean, there's a lot of them, you know.
C-53: Hey, AJ, why don't you shut it, okay?
PLECK: Okay, wow, all right, C-53.
C-53. I’m sorry, I- I'm sorry.
AJ: It's okay. I'm just gonna go back to licking the helmet.
[in the background, Nermut is relaying his theories]
C-53: Oh, I forgot the convers– I'm still on the call.
DAR: Oh, we forgot about Nermut.
C-53: Should I unmute, or-
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: There we go.
NERMUT: And this string goes around the back…
PLECK: All the way to the other side.
NERMUT: Uh-huh. Yeah. And you see this one, right? Okay, I'll connect this string, see how it's dangling down here? That's just sort of a question mark. But! And so if you spin the globe like this and you close your eyes and you tap your finger down, you know that it happens to land at exactly where we are.
PLECK: Wh– The globe of what planet, Nermut?
NERMUT: Huh? Exactly. Really good question. And then, um, so, uh, I'm just gonna spark this cigarillo.
PLECK: Please don't.
C-53: Nermut, you gotta stop those.
PLECK: Don't do that.
NERMUT: Oh! Oh, the drapes are on fire.
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Oh, wait, oh, wait, oh, wait.
C-53: Oh, no, it's spreading to the board!
NERMUT: No, no, no, no! All my work! All my hours! I was so close!
PLECK: That yarn went up fast.
C-53: That's the thing with yarn. Very flammable.
NERMUT: Oh, okay. Well, you know what? It's all in the steel tr- No, I forgot it.
PLECK: Oh, boy. Nermut.NERMUT: Yeah?
PLECK: Uh, we'll talk to you later, buddy.
NERMUT: Yeah, there'll be more missions.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Yeah, too bad we didn't get one in today.
AJ: But we did.
NERMUT: Huh?
PLECK: Bye, buddy.
NERMUT: Bye.
C-53: Bye.
DAR: I miss the paste.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and the Enforcer droids were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ and Emperor Nermut Bundaloy were played by Winston Noel. O4K TR33 was played by special guest Ellena Doe. Ellena is a writer, director, and producer in New York City. She frequently directs live sketch shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Her production company, Harlow Fowler, creates experimental works of theater for intimate audiences. Their next production, Rainer Falls, a David Lynch-inspired immersive housewarming party, will run in NYC in fall 2019. You can follow her @ellenadoe and her work @harlowfowler on Instagram. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent, sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by Thame’s Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
BEV: Hi, I'm Bev.
TERESA: And I'm Teresa.
BEV: And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting.
TERESA: Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.
BEV: These are really hard questions.
TERESA: They are really hard questions.
BEV: I don't have any answers for that.
TERESA: I don't either.
BEV: Sack of garbage.
TERESA: I know.
BEV: Ah! Oh! The end of this show will just be five minutes of Bev and Teresa crying and screaming until the outro is played.
TERESA: So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job.
BEV: Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
AD: If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef & Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also–[glitch]
SPEAKER A: There were no horses in this country until the mid to late '60s.
SPEAKER B: Specialist bovine arse vet.
SPEAKER C: Both of his eyes are squid's eyes.
SPEAKER D: Yogurt buffet.
SPEAKER E: She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life.
SPEAKER F: Farm-raised snow leopard.
AD: [glitch-]show! Download it today. That's the Beef & Dairy Network podcast from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one, or weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported.
MOUJAN: I am dead now. My face is on the floor. There's a hole in my stomach. Oh, no, I am falling asleep forever. I fall. Oh, no, there's pain. My arm is on the floor. Where is that? Why is my body over there? Ouch, ouch, ouch. Yikes. Woof, woof. I'm a dead dog.
[laughter]
ALDEN: That's so sad. Oh, boy.