209: Altar Boy [ft. Lennon Parham]
The crew is deployed to a mysterious planet to secure cool tech for the rebellion. C-53 makes a call. Bargie and Dar are done. Pleck is finally useful?
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a quick reminder. Our Los Angeles live show is this coming Sunday, July 29th, at Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth. Watch us create a new episode on the spot with live sound effects and vocal effects featuring special guest John Gabrus. Tickets at dynastytypewriter.com.
[orchestral main theme music begins]
NARRATOR: It is a period of civil war. The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, Rebel Emissary Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This… is Mission to Zyxx.
[theme music comes to a climax, then ends]
BEANO: [scampering] Beano hungry.
DAR: Beano…
BARGIE: Beano, we just gave you food.
BEANO: Beano hungry.
BARGIE: Okay, hatch is opening, it looks like some people are back…
[Pleck and C-53 walk onto the ship]
PLECK: Y’know, I gotta say, I was scared to do that mission without Dar, but I think we nailed it! Oh, hey guys. How'd it go while we were gone?
BEANO: Beano hungry.
PLECK: Oh!
C-53: Oh, still.
PLECK: Is—you guys not feed Beano, or—
BARGIE: [offended] Oh!
DAR: [tired] Oh…
BARGIE: We fed him. We've done many things to make this little… thing—
BEANO: Beano.
BARGIE: —continue to exist.
DAR: And where were the two of you? What took so long?
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Well, we were on a mission.
DAR: It was supposed to be a fast turn around, did you—did you just—
C-53: I mean, it was a fairly quick mission by our standards. We were forced to compete in a… ancient ritual, but we were victorious.
PLECK: Yeah, we did it!
DAR: Victorious?
C-53: [opening a compartment and pulling something out] Yeah, they provided us with this prize. It’s a traditional flatbread.
BARGIE: What?
DAR: You won… bread?
PLECK: Yeah—well—I mean, but that's a big deal on that planet.
DAR: That was the mission?
C-53: It was a cultural exchange, we were the breadwinners.
DAR: [sarcastically] And did you go out with the boys afterwards and celebrate?
BARGIE: Alright—
C-53: It’s part of the ritual.
BARGIE: Here’s the thing, okay? I'm gonna let you in our little hot tip. Dar and I got to talking, and we’re realizing… we've had enough.
PLECK: …Of what?
BARGIE: Of all the things we have to do.
PLECK: Uh—
BARGIE: Ughhhhh.
DAR: Listen to us. We’re done.
BARGIE: We’re done.
PLECK: What does that mean exactly, “being done?”
BARGIE: It means the thing that is started and continuing, we are done, we res—
PLECK: No, I know—I know what done means. I know the definition of done, yeah.
C-53: I’m not sure that was the question, Barge.
DAR: We just feel like we're doing a lot of the lifting here. I mean, physically, I'm doing a lot of the lifting here.
PLECK: Right, but Dar, that’s ‘cause compared to me, you're incredibly strong.
DAR: Ugh. See, it's like you don't even want to try.
BARGIE: And it's like, um, hello, I'm the only one flying—
PLECK: No, Bargie, I—
BARGIE: I'm the one going through the journeys in space. Where are you? Am I correct—
DAR: And here's the thing! Bargie has a career.
BARGIE: I do!
DAR: She doesn't just want to fly you around wherever you want.
BARGIE: Uh-uh!
DAR: She has a career that she is after.
PLECK: I—no. Okay, listen, guys—
BARGIE: And guess what, long story short, I'm done.
PLECK: Okay, listen—
BEANO: [insistently] Beano hungry.
C-53: I have been trying to teach Beano proper syntax for months, and it has yielded no fruit.
BEANO: [with disgust] Beano no like syntax.
[Bargie sighs]
C-53: [sighing] Yes, these are frequently the end of our lessons.
BARGIE: Anyway, Dar and I have had enough of having all the responsibilities.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, perhaps we've been falling into these traditional roles without even realizing it.
PLECK: Oh, this—this box of, uh, rolls that they gave us? Yeah, you're right, I—I shouldn't have put them in the center of the room, I was—
BEANO: [scampering over] Beano fall in traditional rolls. [Beano tumbles into the rolls and starts devouring them]
PLECK: Get out of there!
DAR: He ate the box.
PLECK: Those are traditional!
DAR: Welp, they're gone.
[Beano polishes off the rolls and farts a couple times for good measure]
PLECK: So… [Pleck sighs] How—how long is Beano’s digestive tract? It seems like that's…
DAR: Short. It's incredibly short.
PLECK: Very short, yeah. Listen, Dar, Bargie, I mean, maybe we don't say it enough. We really appreciate both of you, uh, and y’know, I'll try a little bit harder to, uh—
DAR: It's too late!
BARGIE: Yep, we're going on a trip.
PLECK: Wait, what?
DAR: You heard her.
PLECK: You're going on vacation?
DAR: Yes.
PLECK: Al—alright. Now, Bargie, are you gonna, like, send your consciousness somewhere, 'cause like, I can't really exist in space without being inside you. Are you gonna—
DAR: Oh, see, there's something else you're responsible for.
BARGIE: Wooooow.
BEANO: Beano know that Bargie and Dar also carry the mental load of responsibility on this ship.
BARGIE: Yep. Thank you so much, Beano.
DAR: Thank you, Beano.
PLECK: That was a pretty full sentence, Beano! May—C-53, maybe you're getting through to him.
C-53: I’m—I’m trying. I’m trying as hard as I can.
BARGIE: No, I taught Beano that.
[sound of incoming transmission]
C-53: Ah—Emissary Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
[transmission connects]
PLECK: Oh. Hey, Nermut, what’s up?
NERMUT: Hey, guys! Whoof, I mean…
DAR: [accusing] Oh, you wanna tell us about your day? Do you need to emotionally unload?
NERMUT: What? No, I—
BEANO: Bargie and Dar no take the emotional load anymore. [Beano scampers away]
BARGIE: Yep, we're done. We've had enough.
DAR: [tersely] So just give us the mission, Nermut.
NERMUT: [defensively] Okay! Alright! Yikes.
C-53: You’ve walked into a bit of a… bit of a dispute between the crew.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, uh, what's our leave situation? If Bargie and Dar wanted to go, like, on a vacation, could they do that?
NERMUT: [typing] Uh, let me pull up the SR system here, I’m gonna check the number of—okay. So it looks like Bargie has accumulated… oh. [Nermut types, sound of an error buzzer] Hmm. It says zero. I don't know.
BARGIE: I don’t—
PLECK: How does that—
NERMUT: Um…
BARGIE: This is—wait—what am I—I don’t—
NERMUT: It's—it’s, I think, because Bargie doesn't go on the mi—like Bargie drops you guys off, and it’s like—hm?
BARGIE: Yeah, but—I just—I just—I—I just could—
NERMUT: Is there a glitch?
[C-53 and Bargie start a choppy, hesitant back-and-forth]
C-53: Bargie—
BARGIE: I—
C-53: It seems like—
BARGIE: I—
C-53: Barge is—
BARGIE: If—I c—
C-53: I didn’t wanna—
BARGIE: This is—
C-53: She’s—
BARGIE: I—
C-53: I’m trying to—
BARGIE: It doesn’t—
C-53: Well, I have a—
BARGIE: It makes no—sense. I—
C-53: I—do you wanna—
BARGIE: Okay—
PLECK: Nermut, maybe you should—Nermut, maybe you should just give us our mission.
NERMUT: Okay, okay, yeah. Your mission… Guys, this is exciting. You ready?
PLECK: I'm excited.
NERMUT: Have you heard about the society of Suetopia?
PLECK: Suetopia?
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: …No.
NERMUT: Don't be embarrassed if you hadn't, because they're very secretive.
PLECK: Oh!
NERMUT: There's tell of them, but there has not been much contact. There's rumor that they have extremely advanced technology, but they do not engage with other societies, but—
PLECK: Whoa!
NERMUT: They have… asked for a Rebellion delegation to come. And it—
PLECK: [crosstalk] It’s us!
NERMUT: Guess what? It's us. It’s us! So…
PLECK: That's great! I mean, I—I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I feel like a planet with, you know, “-topia” in the name is probably… [Pleck clicks his tongue to indicate “nice”] Pretty… [short pause] Although I did say that about Magnifiku, and I was wrong.
C-53: They don’t even have “-topia” in there.
PLECK: Yeah, but “Magnifi-“ was in there and I was—whoo, man, I was—
C-53: Very easily misled by prefixes and suffixes.
NERMUT: No, I'm with Pleck here. I—I mean, like all the little bits of intel I've heard are like, this is gonna be great. So yeah, I’m—
PLECK: Okay, what are we—what are we doing there?
NERMUT: The communication said, “desire to share technology with Rebellion.”
PLECK: Okay…
NERMUT: Boom.
PLECK: Yeah. That seems… that seems almost too good to be true.
NERMUT: Nah.
PLECK: But—okay.
C-53: Even you saying “nah” seems too good to be true.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: [unconcerned] Mm… nah.
PLECK: Hey Nermut, do I have a vacation day? Just one.
NERMUT: Yeah. At least.
PLECK: Can I give it to Bargie?
NERMUT: [typing] Uh, lemme check the system here, annnd… no.
BARGIE: [choppily] No—I don’t—I just don’t kn—I wor—my ing—this is—
PLECK: [laughing] I just—man, I think Bargie needs a vacation.
NERMUT: Yeah.
BEANO: Beano?
BARGIE: I don’t—
BEANO: Beano?
BARGIE: I—
BEANO: Beano?
BARGIE: Yeah?
BEANO: Beano?
PLECK: Beano, this doesn’t involve you. It’s not—
[everyone talking over each other]
BARGIE: This is—
C-53: I don’t—
NERMUT: Alright.
C-53: It’s not—
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: You don’t—
BEANO: Beano?
BARGIE: How does this—
BEANO: Beano?
PLECK: Alright. Alright—
NERMUT: Guys, I’m gonna—
C-53: Why don’t—
BEANO: Beano?
C-53: Okay.
NERMUT: [finally breaking through] I’m gonna send the coordinates.
[Nermut types, ping sound as coordinates come through]
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Oh. That resolved naturally.
NERMUT: Alright, go get ‘em!
PLECK: Thanks.
BARGIE: [choppily] This is—bullshit.
[Pleck laughs]
[transition music]
AUTOMATED VOICE: One new message. No encryption detected.
BORDOFF: Your Excellency, it is I, Lieutenant Bordoff. I bow low before your supreme power bearing most excellent news. The earlier logistical hiccups are cured. Cured! I was admittedly despondent, wondering how in Rodd's name we could find 10,000 qualified tugship pilots in the Zyxx quadrant. But then I found ZipRecruiter, and it was a snap. It's the one place where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. Where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates! And ours, ours is a growing business, to be sure. [evil chuckle] I mean yours. Yours, sir, my master. Yes, I found these skilled tugship pilots at ziprecruiter.com/zyxx! And now… now the device is officially en route from the late Phoenix Ash’s estate. These pilots have sworn to secrecy on their very lives! So the others in the Council shall be none the wiser. How did we find such loyal souls? Well, with their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scanned an enormous amount of resumes, an insane amount, to find people with the right experience, and… discretion, and invited them to apply for the job. It's so effective that 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day! Speaking of first days, the day of reckoning nears, my lord. I am shivering with excitement for your ascent! And excitement to fill out our fearsome royal guard with qualified individuals at ziprecruiter.com/zyxx. In fact, it can be tried for free by anyone at that exclusive address! ZipRecruiter dot com slash Z-Y-X-X. ZipRecruiter: the smartest way to hire. Your servant, signing off.
BORDOFF: [typing, mumbling] And click… hmmm… that… probably worked… [sigh]
[key clicks]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
[transition music]
[crew disembarking onto the planet]
PLECK: Wow. Ho-holy crap! C-53, this place is amazing.
C-53: It is… very clean, I will say that.
TEELA: [breathy, relaxed voice] Welcome… [buzzing sound, suddenly on the other side] …to Suetopia.
PLECK: Whoa-hoa! You can teleport!?
TEELA: Well, yes, of course. This is Suetopia.
PLECK: Yeah, sure. I—I can't do that. I don't know anybody who can do that.
NEELA: [voice near identical to Teela’s] I can do it too. [teleporting sound]
PLECK: Whoa!
NEELA: We all can do it here. In Suetopia.
TEELA: In Suetopia.
PLECK: This is—this is amazing. Uh, well, uh, hey, I'm Emissary Pleck Decksetter. This is C-53 and Dar.
C-53: Hello.
PLECK: We're here with the Rebellion.
TEELA: Ah, yes!
NEELA: Ah, the Rebellion.
TEELA: I am Teela—
PLECK: Ah, Teela.
TEELA: —assistant to the Chosen Leader.
PLECK: Oh, great.
NEELA: I am Neela, assistant to the Chosen Leader.
PLECK: Teela, Neela, got it.
DAR: And you're both assistants. You're not like a first assistant, second assistant type thing?
NEELA: There is no class system.
TEELA: There's no class system.
[door opens, Teela and Neela lead the crew inside a large building]
PLECK: That's—yeah, that's better, honestly.
TEELA: Class systems are built on violence.
PLECK: Oh, is that true?
TEELA: Think about it.
NEELA: Think about it.
PLECK: Yeah. No, yeah, I guess I—yeah—
TEELA: There won't be violence here.
PLECK: Sure. Great.
DAR: That sounds incredibly relaxing.
PLECK: Yeah, Dar, I—I don't think I've ever seen you this laid back before.
DAR: [relaxed] I just feel like there's good energy here.
PLECK: Yeah.
TEELA: We try to maintain a high level of good energy here.
DAR: Yeah.
NEELA: Also, our electronics are insane.
PLECK: Really.
[Teela and Neela teleport across the room]
PLECK: Oho! [excited] Oh, that's a technology thing? I thought maybe it was like, a species thing, ‘cause you guys look like Tellurians, but you have sorta these weird ridges on your head? Um…
TEELA: Weird?
DAR: [accusingly] “Weird ridges?”
C-53: Yeah…
PLECK: I probably shouldn't have said it like that, that was—okay.
DAR: And you said it so loud because you were trying to have them hear it from across the room?
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah. No, yeah, that was—
TEELA: We will— [teleports back to the crew] —take you to the Chosen Leader.
PLECK: Sure. Great.
[transition music]
[woman singing wordless syllables with a simple harp accompaniment]
PLECK: [peacefully] Ohhh.
[woman finishes singing, harp continues]
C-53: These resonant frequencies are extremely soothing.
PLECK: [awed whisper] Wow.
WOMAN: [soothing, alto] Hello.
PLECK: He-hello! Uh…
WOMAN: I am the chosen leader of Suetopia. [teleporting closer] You may call me Gellen.
PLECK: Uh, he—hello!
DAR: Hi Gellen.
C-53: Greetings, Gellen.
PLECK: Wow. Uh—
GELLEN: Greetings.
PLECK: [kneeling] I—I—
GELLEN: Please, don't kneel.
PLECK: Oh! Uh—
C-53: Oh, he just does that.
GELLEN: Stand up, in your full selves.
PLECK: I sorta—I sorta knelt without even thinking about it.
C-53: Don’t take that personally, he’s just very easily cowed.
GELLEN: Let us join hands.
DAR: [into it] Okay!
PLECK: Yeah, great. [whispering] Oh, wow.
GELLEN: Neela, Teela, bring the flowers.
NEELA & TEELA: Of course. [teleporting away]
PLECK: Neela and Teela are great—
GELLEN: Step into the flower circle.
PLECK: Oh, okay, yep.
GELLEN: Yes, they are great assistants.
[Neela and Teela teleport back]
NEELA: Thank you.
TEELA: Thank you.
GELLEN: You're welcome.
NEELA: We now kiss your mouth.
TEELA: We kiss your mouth.
GELLEN: I kiss your mouth.
DAR: Wow.
[sound of Teela, Neela, and Gellen making out]
PLECK: Whoa!
DAR: Wow, they are really kissing on the mouth!
PLECK: Really goin’ at it. Yeah. Uh…
DAR: Now do we each get to kiss you on the mouth?
GELLEN: If that is what you desire.
DAR: [enthusiastically] Sure is!
PLECK: [awkwardly] Oh.
[sound of Dar and Gellen briefly making out]
GELLEN: Your name is Dar. Is that correct?
DAR: Yes! It's like you really… see me.
GELLEN: I feel that you are… a fierce warrior, undervalued amongst your crew. You have so much to give.
DAR: Huh! You could just tell that by looking at me?
GELLEN: Absolutely. Can't everyone?
DAR: No.
PLECK: I mean, I—listen, Dar, I am intimidated by you on a—I mean, daily basis.
GELLEN: What is your name?
PLECK: Oh, it’s—I'm Pleck, uh, Pleck Decksetter. Um…
C-53: [whispering helpfully] Emissary Pleck Decksetter.
PLECK: Ye—Emissary, emissary.
GELLEN: What a fabulous name with an insane amount of consonants.
PLECK: Yeah. I mean, Rangus VI has some sorta dorky names. Decksetter’s about as good as it gets, honestly. I mean—Suetopia, very cool. Where does that name come from?
GELLEN: Oh, the founder of our planet was a amazing woman named Susan.
PLECK: Oh!
NEELA: [shaking a small tambourine, singing] Susaaaaan!
TEELA: [tambourine, singing an interval higher] Susaaaaan!
GELLEN: [completing the chord, but out of tune and strained] Susaaaaan!
PLECK: Wow.
GELLEN: [matter-of-fact] They called her “Sue” for short.
PLECK: Sure, sure. Common nickname.
GELLEN: Take both my hands, Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah, sure! Wow.
GELLEN: Stare deeply into my eyes.
PLECK: Oh boy. I—your eyes are like bottomle—you’re—can I just say you're maybe one of the most beautiful… beings I've ever seen in my entire life?
DAR: That's the first thing you notice about her? She's a chosen leader of this planet!
PLECK: [stuttering] I—I was so comfortable, I just—I’m sorry!
C-53: [under his breath] Emissary Decksetter, this is a very… poor initiation of relations between the Rebellion and Suetopia.
PLECK: I’m sorry. I know I’m supposed to keep it professional, but this is—this is weird, guys. I’m like—I'm very—this is a strange place! [eagerly] Are—are you in touch with the Space?
[beat of silence]
GELLEN: Uh…
PLECK: Cool! Yes, good. I can tell. I—I feel like we have a connection, and I think it's gotta be the Space!
GELLEN: [obliging] Sure, that's what it is.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, the less you can bring up the Space during any of our diplomatic missions, that’d be great. That would be really good.
PLECK: Alright, fine.
GELLEN: Please, enter this— [teleporting inside] —cave. So that we may sit and talk—
PLECK: Cave?
GELLEN: —about your mission.
PLECK: Uh… yeah! Great!
DAR: Thank you.
GELLEN: Teela, Neela?
NEELA: Yes.
TEELA: Yes.
GELLEN: Please, get the sitting pods.
[Teela, Neela, Gellen begin sort of singing in the round, with soft harp and tambourine]
NEELA: Sitting pods…
TEELA: Sitting pods, come out…
NEELA: Sitting pods…
GELLEN: Sitting pods, sitting pods, here we go…
TEELA: Sitting pods come out, sitting pods…
NEELA: Sitting pods, sitting there…
GELLEN: Put your buttocks on the sitting pods…
NEELA: Sit on the pods… ahhhhh…
TEELA: Sitting pods come out now…
GELLEN: A soft place for your… sweet cheeks.
NEELA: Sit.
[gentle harp glissando, tambourine and singing stop]
GELLEN: And you're seated.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Yeah.
GELLEN: Is everyone comfortable?
DAR: Incredibly.
C-53: Yes, it’s got just the right amount of give.
PLECK: Gellen, this is an amazing planet. How did you come to be leader of this place?
GELLEN: I was chosen.
C-53: Yeah, that checks out based on the name, yeah.
PLECK: [crosstalk] That’s—yeah, that’s like the name, yeah.
GELLEN: That's why I'm called the Chosen Leader.
PLECK: Yeah, that makes sense.
GELLEN: Yes.
PLECK: And how does that—is it like a—
GELLEN: It's a vote with our minds.
DAR: Whoa.
PLECK: Yeah, exactly. Cool. I was hoping for some—like, a twist.
GELLEN: Everyone has equal footing here in Suetopia. And even though we have advanced technological creations, we all share them equally.
TEELA: We have no theft in Suetopia.
PLECK: Ooh, that—that’s good.
NEELA: It makes it very easy to order dinner.
PLECK: Sure, sure.
GELLEN: Yes.
PLECK: That’s good.
GELLEN: No jealousy…
TEELA: No violence…
PLECK: Mm-hmm.
NEELA: Dinner ordering, again, very easy.
TEELA: It's just fun, just to all be together and… order dinner. We have large dinners.
GELLEN: We do have a very flourishing dinner business here.
PLECK: Really!
GELLEN: Yes.
PLECK: It’s like a delivery situation, or like, do people like to cook?
GELLEN: All of that.
TEELA: Yeah, it’s both.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Hm.
PLECK: Hm.
DAR: Now do you split the check evenly, or…
TEELA: What—what is “check,” Chosen Leader? What is “check?”
NEELA: [struggling] Chick—cheeahck—
TEELA: What is “cheahk?”
NEELA: Ch—ch—cheawk…
GELLEN: I am unaware of this “check.”
PLECK/DAR: Uh…
C-53: Hm.
GELLEN: I wanted to share with you this new technology we've developed. I have been watching from afar… the great work that you're doing for the Rebellion.
PLECK: Oh!
GELLEN: There is an innocence about your team.
C-53: Yeah. That would be accurate.
GELLEN: That is alluring to us.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much my whole thing.
GELLEN: I have tiny gifts for each of you. Please, accept this technology.
[Neela, Teela, and Gellen begin singing again]
TEELA: Technology…
NEELA: Technology…
PLECK: Oh!
TEELA: Technology…
GELLEN: Tech-no-lo-gy…
NEELA: And the tiny gift of technology…
TEELA: Technology…
GELLEN: Open your tiny gift, technology…
TEELA & NEELA: [in sync with Gellen] Technology…
[singing, tambourine stop]
PLECK: Thank you! Okay, I’ll just open this up. [opening box] Oh, wow!
GELLEN: Place it on your neck.
PLECK: Uh…
DAR: Okay.
[suction sounds]
GELLEN: It will adhere to your neck. Don't be afraid.
PLECK: Okay.
GELLEN: Much like—um… what's that called when people suck on their necks so hard?
NEELA: [singing, shaking tambourine] Hickeyyy! Hickeyyy!
PLECK: Uh… like a hickey?
TEELA: [singing] A hickey…
GELLEN: Thank you, Teela. Thank you, Neela. Yes.
PLECK: Uh.. okay, yeah. How—how does the technology work, exactly?
GELLEN: It allows you to know what others are feeling. What… is their true emotion.
[emotion hickey technology whirs to life, beeps]
C-53: [quietly] Oh, this is terrible…
PLECK: What—what's wrong?
C-53: Oh, just looking at you, I feel… so bad!
PLECK: [alarmed] What? Wh-why?
C-53: Do you feel this way all the time?
PLECK: Wha—uh, wh—describe it, what is—
C-53: Just, the gross uncertainty about everything.
PLECK: [resigned] Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah.
C-53: Oh, this is… horrible.
PLECK: Oh boy. What happens when you look at Dar?
[emotion hickey buzzes]
C-53: Oh, I feel… great.
PLECK: What!?
DAR: Thank you.
C-53: Relaxed and sure of myself. [short pause] Also, like a—like a powerful sexual entity at the same time.
PLECK: Whoa.
C-53: It's… honestly, very good.
PLECK: I mean I—I can see your emotions, it’s sort of, like, floating around you. This is incredible! Gellen!
GELLEN: Yes.
PLECK: This is—
C-53: What are you getting off of me, Emissary Decksetter?
[emotion hickey buzzes]
PLECK: Uh… you’re sort of embarrassed for me.
GELLEN: Yes.
C-53: Yeah, that’s pretty accurate, actually.
PLECK: Hmm.
GELLEN: We will now pick you up and carry you to the Sea of Want.
PLECK: Whoa! Okay.
GELLEN: Please relax into Teela and Neela and my arms.
C-53: Well, they’re much stronger than I would’ve guessed.
PLECK: Oh, wow, yeah!
DAR: Wow.
PLECK: Wow!
GELLEN: There we are.
C-53: Picking up Dar.
PLECK: Yeah.
[transition music]
GELLEN: I’d like to introduce you to… all of my peoples.
[large door creaks open]
[hundreds of voices singing a haunting polytonal chord, shaking small tambourines]
DAR: They’re all female.
CITIZEN: [teleporting over, speaking in a low voice] Chosen Leader Gellen…
GELLEN: Yes.
CITIZEN: Uh, Chosen Leader, I've never seen a male of a species before. Is that what that pink one is?
NEELA: His face is…
PLECK: I wouldn't say—I wouldn’t pink, exactly, it's just sort of like a light—
DAR: I'm so sorry that Pleck felt the need to correct you…
NEELA: Chosen One, I was speaking and I was interrupted. That’s never happened to me before.
PLECK: Mm-hmm.
GELLEN: Sometimes it is difficult, when you are not connected to the greater mind…
NEELA: Oh…
GELLEN: …to know when someone else has finished their thought…
NEELA: Wow…
GELLEN: …and they must end your thought in order to begin theirs.
[long pause]
PLECK: …Which is why I waited this time. I didn't have anything to say, I just wanted to just—show you that I could do it.
GELLEN: Do what, wait?
PLECK: Wai—yeah.
GELLEN: For the end of my sentence?
PLECK: Yep.
GELLEN: Good job.
[snickering]
TEELA: Do you want us to… congratulate you for that, or?
PLECK: No no no, that’s—no, I just wanted to let you know, like, from here on out, I'm just gonna listen.
GELLEN: I don't… believe that.
PLECK: Okay. Oh, boy. Alright. Is—is everyone on Suetopia female?
GELLEN: That is correct. That is how we maintain such peace and such focus on emotional integrity.
C-53: Must be some form of parthenogenesis, how they reproduce.
DAR: Also explains why there's a female leader.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: There could be a female leader, on a.. you know, planet with both.
DAR: I mean, of all the planets we visited, how many of them have had female leaders?
C-53: Yeah, not a lot.
PLECK: Not a ton.
C-53: That’s a shameful state across the galaxy.
GELLEN: Dar, you would make an amazing leader yourself.
DAR: Wow, thank you! [Dar laughs, flattered]
NEELA: Shall we blow on Dar to accept her as one of our own?
GELLEN: If she chooses.
DAR: I would take a blowjob, absolutely.
[Gellen, Teela, Neela blow on Dar, whistling a little]
[harp begins again, no tambourines this time]
GELLEN: [singing beautifully, inspirationally] You are paaart… part of us tonight. You are part… Dar! Part of us foreveeer. Please welcome to these open bosoms, [notes climbing higher] and hold our hands to-night! [Gellen doesn’t quite hit the last note]
NEELA: [shaking tambourine, echoing] Night!
TEELA: [echoing, voice cracking] Night!
[snickering]
C-53: Hm, they almost did it.
PLECK: Teela—Teela, you don't quite have that range. Wow, Dar, what a ritual!
C-53: And the choreography was magnificent.
DAR: [holding back emotion] I needed this so badly.
GELLEN: Please allow these dozen Suetopians to rub your body all over, so that you may relax and release the tension that is built up from dealing with all of these hooligans.
DAR: Thank you.
GELLEN: You deserve it.
C-53: [quietly] I don’t know if “hooligans” is a hundred percent fair…
DAR: [sighing with relief] I just wish Bargie was here.
PLECK: Yeah, I think she would re—
GELLEN: Let's call her.
PLECK: Oh.
GELLEN: Here, I'll give you one of our galactic phones.
PLECK: No, actually we have communicators, so.
[sound of rotary phone being dialed, dial tone]
C-53: These phones can just call anywhere in the galaxy instantly?
DAR: Okay!
PLECK: Yeah, usually we need to have, like, a transmission ID to call someone.
BARGIE: [picking up the phone] Hello? Is this about that audition tape?
PLECK: Oh, hey, Ba—
BARGIE: I'm ready to be a star again.
PLECK: Hey, Bargie, it’s just—
BARGIE: [excited] I work so hard, and I feel like it's getting nowhere. Is it because I'm old? Well, I'm ready. I'm ready! Who is this?
DAR: Bargie, it’s—it’s me, Dar—
BARGIE: Oh. Oh hi, Dar.
DAR: And I, uh—I just—I really think that you should be here right now? I just feel like we should… really be united. You know, all together with everyone here on Suetopia. It's just… a really beautiful, perfect place?
[sound of Bargie coming in for a landing]
PLECK: Oh, hey, Bargie!
BARGIE: Hey, what's up, how you guys doin’. Oh, this place seems nice. Ahh, women. Good job. [metallic clapping sound] I can clap.
GELLEN: Thank you. Would you like—
PLECK: [interrupting] Bargie, how do you make those clapping noises? Is that—is there something inside that's clapping together, or is that, like, a sound effect that you're playing?
BARGIE: Yeah, I just clap my engines. Both of them together.
[Bargie claps her engines a few more times to demonstrate]
PLECK: Oh, I don’t know, that’s—
C-53: It seems like that’s bad for the life of the engine.
PLECK: [crosstalk] Yeah, don’t—you shouldn’t—oh—okay.
BARGIE: [continuing to clap her engines] Banging ‘em hard, real hard, as hard as I can. Bang, bang, bang.
PLECK: Okay—
BARGIE: But you interrupted a speaker, so—
PLECK: You’re right. You’re right. Sorry, Gellen, go ahead.
GELLEN: We’re getting used to it. Well… Bargie, is it?
BARGIE: It’s Bargarean Jade.
GELLEN: What a beautiful, beautiful name for a ship.
BARGIE: Thank you, thank you.
GELLEN: It looks like it's been a while since you've had anyone take care of you.
BARGIE: I, uh, I was, always been more of an independent person, never really needed anyone, but sometimes, y’know?
GELLEN: Sometimes it—it's nice if someone knows what you need without having to ask.
BARGIE: Yeah, I guess… you’re right.
PLECK: It's—it's gas, right? Mostly gas? Oh, sorry, I—I—
BARGIE: …Really? [Bargie claps her engines sarcastically]
PLECK: [laughing] Oh, don’t—Bargie, don’t—I'm sorry, I shouldn't’ve—
GELLEN: Please, allow us to shine you up.
BARGIE: Oh, I don't have enough kroon for that. It's okay.
GELLEN: Kroon?
BARGIE: Yeah.
GELLEN: No, here, please. Money is no object here.
BARGIE: Oh wow, someone’s giving me a gift! It's been years. Thank you so much.
GELLEN: Thank you.
[sound of water, squeaky polishing, air blowing as Bargie is polished]
BARGIE: Oh! Oh wow. Okay. Hello. This tickles, but it feels good.
DAR: Yeah, the blowing feels good, right?
BARGIE: Whoo!
[Teela sings a single small “ahh”]
BARGIE: Oh, the singing is magnificent.
TEELA: I have the range.
PLECK: Teela, it's really not—it's not your fault. It's just—
C-53: Mm. Teela, I’m just not sure you do.
TEELA: [wispily, kind of like an out-of-tune teapot] Ahhhhhh~
C-53: Hmm.
GELLEN: Beautiful.
TEELA: Thank you, Gellen.
BARGIE: Beautiful.
GELLEN: C-53, what do you need that you've never said out loud?
C-53: Oh… um—
GELLEN: [dialing the galactic phone] We'll call them for you.
C-53: Oh, that’s—I—I’m not ready to speak to them at all, I—
[dial tone, phone is picked up]
GRUFF VOICE: Hello.
[sound of ocean, seagulls in the background]
C-53: [softly] Uh… hello. This is C.
GRUFF VOICE: Why are you calling?
C-53: I—to be honest, was sort of put on the spot, but… I’ve been thinking about you for… decades.
GRUFF VOICE: You know what you did.
C-53: I know. And I want to say… [pause, C-53 lowers his voice] I’m sorry.
PLECK: [whispering] C—C-53, who is this?
C-53: [tersely] This is really not the time for this—
PLECK: Just what are—
C-53: Emissary Decksetter?
PLECK: Okay. Sorry.
C-53: This is a big moment for me—
PLECK: Well, he’s just wearing a sea captain’s outfit, I’m trying to—
C-53: [barely restrained annoyance] I—yes. Uh-huh. Yep. Could you… maybe use that device you just got to read my emotions and see where I’m at right now?
PLECK: [sighs] Fine. Go ahead.
C-53: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. [softly, to the phone] Sorry about that.
GRUFF VOICE: You know what you did. But you got a great energy about you right now.
C-53: Thank you.
GRUFF VOICE: I don't know what it is. I… forgive you for one of the things.
C-53: Wow. E-even that is…
GRUFF VOICE: But I’m not gonna forgive you for the other, bigger thing.
C-53: I understand.
GRUFF VOICE: And this is where I leave you.
[phone hangs up with a click]
PLECK: [concerned] C-53… are you okay?
C-53: No—[more calmly] Uh, no, I am not.
PLECK: Oh…
C-53: But that was big. I’m gonna be thinking about that for a long time.
PLECK: Oh, wow. I mean, in like, droid, is that—how—a long time is like, how long?
C-53: [restrained annoyance] It’s the same… for both of us.
PLECK: Okay—
C-53: I'm sorry, I’m—it’s just a very emotionally raw moment for me.
PLECK: Hm, wow. Did that have something to do with you being a boat?
C-53: You know, I just really would rather… not get into it right now—
PLECK: Okay, alright!
DAR: Because the clues were there.
PLECK: The clu—see, he had a he had like a corncob pipe…
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: He had made the choice to have wooden appendages rather than metal…
PLECK: Yep. Yep.
C-53: That's very fashionable on… his planet, so…
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Sure, sure, sure. There were seagulls…
C-53: Don’t read too much into that. There were a lot of seagulls, yes.
TEELA: Chosen Leader…
GELLEN: Yes.
TEELA: When will they pay the price?
PLECK: What?
DAR: Huh?
PLECK: I'm sorry—
DAR: You just told us that it didn't cost any kroon to, y’know, experience all this joy and female energy.
C-53: And we should mention, we do not have a lot of kroon.
GELLEN: Kroon is not… what I need.
DAR: Okay, phew.
C-53: Okay, whoo.
GELLEN: Not… what my people need.
C-53: That’s a relief.
PLECK: What—do—
GELLEN: Pleck, please…
PLECK: Yes?
GELLEN: Lay down…
PLECK: Uh…
GELLEN: …upon this altar.
PLECK: Okay. [flopping down on the altar]
C-53: [crosstalk] Oh. Uh, Emissary Decksetter, you might—uh…
PLECK: This seems like this might not end well, should I be worried?
C-53: Laying down on an altar is… frequently a bad first step.
PLECK: Yeah, usually not—
NEELA: [teleporting closer] Shall we remove his clothes?
GELLEN: Yes, please.
DAR: I don’t know, Pleck, this kinda seems like it could be fun.
PLECK: That’s true.
NEELA: [more insistently] Shall we remove his clothes?
GELLEN: Yes, I thought I had made myself clear.
NEELA: [calm, but slightly on edge] It was hard to hear because so many people were talking.
GELLEN: [carefully controlled] If you could leave the attitude at the door, I would really appreciate it.
NEELA: [almost to herself] There’s no attitude, just respect. Okay.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
NEELA: [quietly] Love my job.
PLECK: Feel like there was a little crack in the armor there, just for a second. [attempting to sit up]
GELLEN: Don't sit up, lay back down.
TEELA: Lay on the altar.
GELLEN: Lay back down.
PLECK: Okay.
GELLEN: Hold on to these straps.
PLECK: Uh… str—okay. [Pleck takes the straps] C-53, should I be nervous about this? Straps on an altar?
C-53: Um… I’ll be honest, this has been a real seesaw, because lying on an altar—generally bad. But then removing clothes…
PLECK: Sometimes good.
C-53: Usually a good step. But then, straps…
PLECK: Less good.
C-53: [thoughtfully] Yeah, point in the negative column.
PLECK: Gellen, can I ask—
GELLEN: [slightly on edge] Teela, Neela, do you know what clothes are? [laughs] I mean, can you please remove his clothes? I don’t wanna say it again.
PLECK: Oh! Uh—
TEELA: [nervously] Oh, yes yes yes yes!
NEELA: Oh, okay, yes, yes, sorry, sorry.
PLECK: Uh, Teela, Neela… you guys are assistants, right?
TEELA/NEELA: Yes./Yes.
PLECK: But I thought this was sort of like, an egalitarian kind of utopian society.
TEELA/NEELA: Yes./Yes.
PLECK: So how does that work, are you like, below everyone, because you’re assistants? Or just below the leader?
NEELA: [calmly] No.
TEELA: No.
PLECK: No what?
TEELA & NEELA: No.
PLECK: I don't—that seems...
TEELA: Please, move so I can take this clothing off you.
PLECK: No, I just, I wanna see—how does this—how does the hierarchy here work?
TEELA: Hierarchy.
NEELA: Hi-ya-r… ark.
TEELA: Hiarkeh?
NEELA: Hi-yark-y.
C-53: One of you can say it perfectly, and the other one really struggles with any new word.
NEELA: Hi-yyya-rrar-kah.
TEELA: We serve because we choose to.
PLECK: But—so you take orders, though.
NEELA: They’re conversations.
PLECK: Hmm.
TEELA: Suggestions and responses.
C-53: Seems like orders, though.
NEELA: Yorder.
[snickering]
TEELA: Almost.
PLECK: Surely—surely you know the word “order.”
NEELA: Eeeaurder.
PLECK: [incredulous] You were just talking about ordering dinner, like, 10 minutes ago!
NEELA: [brightly] Order dinner!
PLECK: Yeah—
GELLEN: There we are.
PLECK: So—
NEELA: Order dinner.
PLECK: Now, do the people who work at restaurants work for you?
TEELA: No, they work because they love to serve, they love the hospitality industry.
GELLEN: [screaming] Oh my—TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES!!!
NEELA: Yes, of course. Okay.
GELLEN: I have SAID it enough times!
NEELA: Okay! Yes.
PLECK: Now, that was definitely an order, yeah.
C-53: [crosstalk] That’s an order, that was—
NEELA: Yeeordurr.
TEELA: Ardor? Ardor?
NEELA: Aurder.
TEELA: Thank you for that suggestion, Gellen. Thank you.
NEELA: Thank you. Thank you so much.
[Neela and Teela start jingling tiny tambourines and singing again]
TEELA: Taking off clothes…
NEELA: Taking off clothes, taking off clothes…
PLECK: Whoa—whoa! Hey, listen—
NEELA: [singing, taking the clothes] Pants come off. Shirts come off. Pants come off.
PLECK: Oh! Hey—okay—
NEELA: [voice climbing higher] And! The! Brieeefs!
PLECK: [awkwardly] Oh… hey. Wow.
GELLEN: Here, place this nasturtia flower over your… member.
PLECK: Oh! Thank you. Much better, yeah.
GELLEN: I can see that you're more comfortable that way.
PLECK: Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate that.
GELLEN: Dar.
DAR: Mm-hmm.
GELLEN: I'd like to give you… this tulem. [sound of small blade unsheathing] It is to draw blood.
PLECK: Uh…
DAR: From…
GELLEN: Crawl under the altar and stab him from underneath through th—
C-53: Oh, this…
PLECK: Okay. Now—now I think this is where I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.
GELLEN: We’ll—
PLECK: [interrupting] You’re gonna—
GELLEN: —drip the blood into this tube, and then we'll—
PLECK: Sorry, uh—yeah—
GELLEN: Yes?
PLECK: Just quick—
GELLEN: Did you have something you wanted to say?
PLECK: Quick—
DAR: Pleck, please stop cutting her off.
PLECK: No, that’s—that’s—I get it, and I apologize—
DAR: Let the woman speak!
PLECK: Sure. Yeah, totally.
GELLEN: Thank you, Dar.
PLECK: Okay. Ye—
DAR: I’m sorry, as you were saying, Gellen, how do you want me to bleed Pleck?
GELLEN: [placidly] Crawl under the altar, stab him through the table and up into the spine. His blood will drip down slowly through the port and into these collecting buckets.
DAR: And you want all of Pleck’s blood.
GELLEN: That's correct. I need a shit ton of blood. And I need someone who loves him to do it.
PLECK: Uh…
C-53: Oh…
PLECK: Can—Sorry, can I—can I jump in real quick right now?
GELLEN: Uh, you would even if we said no, so feel free.
PLECK: Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Um… can I opt out of this process?
GELLEN: I'm sorry. You've accepted our technological gifts, and so now… you must pay with your life.
PLECK: Yeah. And I will say, my blood, as far as I can tell, I'm not supposed to lose more than a couple pints before I get real… dead.
GELLEN: Yes, I think I made myself clear when I said, quote, “pay with your life.” End quote.
PLECK: Oh. Okay, alright—
DAR: It's like you still had to mansplain to her, even though she knew exactly what she was asking for.
PLECK: Dar, whose side are you on right now?
DAR: It's really hard right now! I wanna be on her side, but I clearly have an allegiance to you, but—wow, it's just like, I've been treated so well here, and at home I have to cook eggs for Beano every five minutes…
BARGIE: They gave me a nice shirt. Look at this new shirt I have.
DAR: You look beautiful, that is so flattering, Bargie!
BARGIE: Thank you. They just gave it to me and then told me I looked great without judging me or my size…
GELLEN: Now we will begin the blood draw. Please, take this tulem and crawl under the altar, Dar. Then you will be able to be with us for the rest of eternity.
PLECK: Uh, Gellen, can I ask you what you're gonna use all my blood for?
GELLEN: To propagate the species.
PLECK: Oh…
GELLEN: Sue created a way to take the blood of a man, and impregnate multiple women at once.
PLECK: ‘Kay…
C-53: Alright.
DAR: [offput] Oh… ewkay…
GELLEN: See, without the blood of men, we are… dying off.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Gellen, are you particular about the… man's blood that you use? Because I think you might be getting a not-great deal…
PLECK: What!? C-53!
C-53: I— [whispering] Emissary Decksetter, do you want me to try this? Or do not want me to try to—
PLECK: I mean—sure. No, yeah, that’s—
C-53: Okay, alright.
PLECK: But it's just, my—my emotion hickey is telling me that you're telling the truth.
GELLEN: It's my understanding that blood is blood is blood… is blood is blood is blood is blood.
PLECK: Okay. Okay.
C-53: Yeah. That’s the problem with blood, it’s easily swapped between bodies.
DAR: I see… so—it can be any male blood.
GELLEN: Yes. Right now, what I need is for you to stab this dude and drain his blood—
PLECK: Okay.
GELLEN: I don't know what's wrong—Dar, I believe that you could be the next chosen leader of this planet.
C-53: Wow.
DAR: I'm sorry, Pleck, I just have to do it.
PLECK: Awhat? Oh—ugh…
[Dar starts crawling under the altar]
PLECK: Well, you know, Dar. I'm just glad that you love me—[Dar stabs Pleck, who screams in pain]
GELLEN: [singing] Blood, blood. Blood, blood, blooooood.
NEELA: [jingling, singing] Blood blooood! B-L-O-O-D, blood…
TEELA: Blood, blood, blood, blood…
[Gellen, Teela, and Neela continue singing “blood” over and over for a few seconds]
DAR: [crawling back out from under the altar, bucket of blood sloshing] I think I've, uh, filled up this bucket now. Um… here…
C-53: Wow. Pleck, you didn’t even squirm very much.
PLECK: Uh, just—uh… I felt—I felt fine. No big deal for me. Just got a lotta blood.
GELLEN: That's weird.
PLECK: ‘S why I'm so pink.
TEELA: It is weird, Chosen Leader. It's weird.
NEELA: Very weird.
GELLEN: Why are you not pale if—if all the blood has been drained from your body. You're still talking…
PLECK: I mean, maybe I'm actually—
GELLEN: And your skin is still as pink as ever.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
DAR: [stumbling] Now the blood that actually makes him look… less pink… uhhh… has—
C-53: Dar, are you—
GELLEN: Dar, why—why are you stumbling about so?
DAR: [unsteadily] I just—I think I've exhausted myself here on this planet, and I'm ready to return.
PLECK: Yeah. Can I actually have my clothes back?
GELLEN: Sure.
NEELA: I gave them some pizazz.
DAR: Ooh!
C-53: That’s a much more flattering cut.
PLECK: Oh! Thank you! Thank you for tailoring my—
NEELA: A deep V.
DAR: Wow!
C-53: That’s a very deep V.
PLECK: Okay!
DAR: Um… so, Chosen Leader, is there anything else you need from us, now that—now that we've had a fair exchange?
GELLEN: Well, I wish you would make another decision. You’re still set on leaving?
DAR: …Yes.
GELLEN: Well. Then I guess you must…
[tambourines jingling]
GELLEN: [singing] Gooooooooooooo.
TEELA: [harmonizing] Gooooooooo.
NEELA: Goooooo, bye-byeeeee.
BARGIE: I'm staying, though, I booked a movie.
PLECK: No—what, you booked a movie on—on Suetopia?
BARGIE: Yeah, the people here just, you know, they were open to the idea of putting me into films, they write better roles for people like me. They actually care about representation. The roles are more honest.
PLECK: Sure. Sure.
BARGIE: The lines make more sense, we’re not just one-dimensional ships that are just there to make the other characters… drive around. It’s great.
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, listen, I know—I know this is a big break for you, but we—
BARGIE: It’s gonna be great.
PLECK: No, we gotta get out of here.
BARGIE: Alright, so I can start whatever you want me to, uh… just send over the contracts. Uh, what is the—what's the union rate? We doing a day rate? What's happening?
NEELA: …Un—yun-ion?
PLECK: …Oh…
NEELA: What’s a—what’s a “yoon-yon?”
TEELA: We have no unions here.
PLECK: Oh boy.
C-53: Hmm, this might not—
BARGIE: But—how do you, uh, pay your actors?
TEELA: It’s for the love of the art.
BARGIE: What?
TEELA: And—and the idea that you get exposure, and—down the line…
[C-53 sighs]
PLECK: Oh no, that's probably not gonna work.
BARGIE: [lowering gangplank] Welp! Alright, everybody, back on the ship.
PLECK: Okay. Gellen, we’re gonna go.
DAR: Thank you for this tech.
GELLEN: Oh, you have to give those back.
DAR/PLECK/C-53: Oh.
DAR: That hardly seems like a fair trade now.
C-53: Yeah, we shoulda… seen that coming.
[transition music]
PLECK: I gotta—I gotta say, I mean, I had a lot more blood in me than I thought. I'm happy to help, everybody, 'cause I—
DAR: Are you kidding me right now!?
PLECK: What—what?
DAR: [with emphasis] I filled the bucket with my blood!
C-53: Pleck, if you had lost that much blood, you would be dead twice over. The bucket was enormous.
PLECK: Wait, I didn't—but Dar stabbed me.
DAR: I was pinching you!
C-53: Look at your back.
PLECK: Oh. Wow, sorry. Thank you, Dar. Wait, I thought it had to be male blood.
DAR: Um… it could be that I'm as male as I am female…
PLECK: Oh. Yeah!
DAR: But of course… it's probably that blood doesn't have gender.
PLECK: Oh yeah, I guess I hadn't really considered that part. Here I was thinking I really was just… very strong and tough.
C-53: Alright, Dar, I'm just gonna… [mechanical sounds] stitch this here, just don’t move…
DAR: [weakly] Thank you.
[sewing attachment humming]
C-53: And there we go.
DAR: If someone else could be on Beano duty tonight, I would really appreciate it.
PLECK: You know what, guys? I'll be on Beano duty. You and Bargie should relax.
BARGIE: Thank you, okay.
PLECK: Yeah. You know, Bargie you—you look great, you’re all shined up, you got that new shirt.
BARGIE: Thank you.
PLECK: I don't know what—I don't know what really that means, but I—
BARGIE: It’s the same as yours, mine has a deep V too. Deep V.
PLECK: Really! Where's—where… where on the ship is the V part?
BARGIE: Lemme turn around the whole ship so you can see it.
PLECK: I’m inside the ship, Bar—
[Dar, Pleck, C-53 yell and slide as Bargie turns]
PLECK: I can’t see—no, I can’t see it.
BARGIE: Oh. Okay, right. Just to clarify, do you understand the seven things you need to do to take care of Beano?
PLECK: Well, there's the bedtime story.
BARGIE/DAR/C-53: Mm-hmm./Uh-huh./Yup.
PLECK: There's the tuck.
DAR/C-53/BARGIE: Yup./Yes./Mm-hmm.
PLECK: Then there's the re-tuck, when he jumps out and reenacts the meeting scene.
C-53/BARGIE: Yep./Mm-hmm.
DAR: You should start your rotation now of how many eggs you need to cook him throughout the… the night.
PLECK: Yep. There's the scramble.
BARGIE/C-53: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: There's the boil.
BARGIE/C-53: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: There's the poach.
C-53: Yeah.
BARGIE: Those are all one…
C-53: Yeah, the eggs are all one.
DAR: Yeah, there's two more steps.
PLECK: Okay. There's the forehead kiss.
BARGIE/C-53: Mm./Yep.
PLECK: And then, um…
DAR: Barricading the door.
PLECK: I always—right, yes. Barricading the door.
DAR: In case Beano goes…
PLECK: Insane.
BARGIE: Insane.
DAR: Mm-hmm.
C-53: Yep.
PLECK: It's very terrifying. But what if we just let it happen one time? You know—
C-53: Do you remember the time we almost let it happen? I'm gonna play this clip, gonna remind you.
[clip playback sound]
BEANO: Beano want dance.
PLECK: [sighs] Listen, I've been dancing for 20 minutes. We’ve been—Dar is the dancer, I can't dance!
BEANO: Beano—
DAR: He doesn't want me to dance, he only wants you to dance!
BEANO: Beano want dance.
PLECK: [out of breath] Okay… You know what, Beano? I've already danced for you, you know? You—
BEANO: [voice starting to crackle] Beano want dance or Beano go insane.
PLECK: Okay, fine. Just go insane, Beano, see what I care! I’m done.
BEANO: [cheerful] Oookay! [deep, terrifying] BEANO GO INSAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
[crew screaming, audio crackles and distorts, consumed by Beano’s scream]
[sound of Pleck’s panicked, out-of-breath breathing and dancing]
DAR: Pleck, I’ll just keep puppeteering you until he’s happy.
[wheezy exhausted Pleck noises]
BEANO: [cheekily] Beano love dance. Beano think dance is purest form of expression.
BARGIE: I don't have any gas!
C-53: Pleck… never do that again.
PLECK: Okay. Alright, I’m sorry.
[playback end sound]
[sound of incoming transmission]
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
[transmission connects]
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, guys! I can't wait to hear what this tech is!
PLECK: Oh man, they had so much cool stuff. Call anywhere in the galaxy immediately, without any sort of coordinates or our transmission ID or anything.
DAR: Teleport anywhere that you wanted to teleport…
PLECK: Teleport anywhere…
PLECK: Emotion reading, like a mind meld sorta thing…
DAR: We got all of it!
NERMUT: Oh, great!
PLECK: And then they took it away from us when we wouldn't give them all of my blood.
NERMUT: Wha—oh, jeez.
C-53: We did have it, briefly.
NERMUT: Um—
C-53: I mean, I have a lot of pictures of the tech.
NERMUT: I don't know… that doesn't seem like it was what they were after.
C-53: Hmm.
PLECK: You know, speaking of galactic calling, C-53, I am so curious about what you possibly could have done to that sea captain.
DAR: Yeah, one day, I hope you're comfortable telling us the story about the old man… [dramatic pause] and the C-53.
[end credits music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Neela were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. Beano and Teela were played by Winston Noel. Chosen Leader Gellen was played by special guest Lennon Parham. Lennon is an actor and writer who cocreated and starred in the sitcoms Best Friends Forever on NBC and Playing House on USA with frequent collaborator Jessica St. Clair. Together, they host the Earwolf podcast Womp It Up! Lennon has also appeared on Mad Men, Arrested Development, Veep, Lady Dynamite, Bob's Burgers and many other shows and movies. Follow her on Twitter @lennonparham. This episode edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Mission to Zyxx is brought this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom! This episode was recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.’s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, and at Forever Dog Studios in Los Angeles. Speaking of Los Angeles, we are very excited to greet inhabitants of that quadrant this coming Sunday, July 29th, at our live show at Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth, featuring special returning guest John Gabrus. Tickets at dynastytypewriter.com or missiontozyxx.space.
[credits music fades out]
WINSTON/BEANO: Beano hungry.
ALDEN/BEANO: Oh, hey—hey, Beano. It's pretty early, isn't it?
WINSTON/BEANO: Beano hungry.
ALDEN/BEANO: No, I mean early for you to be… in this episode. [laughing] Sorry.
[cast laughing, clapping]
[Allie laughing]
WINSTON: I was trying to change it up a little bit.
ALDEN: No, no, no, that's good, that’s good, sorry, sorry, sorry.
MOUJAN: No, that works, actually! Do that.
WINSTON: Okay.
MOUJAN: That works.